My brother is 4 years older than me.

Our family was very close (loving parents, no abuse, very normal). When I was very small, I knew my brother never wanted to be around me. He would want to go anywhere I wasnt. I adored my brother and wanted his attention so badly I would do anything to make him like me. He never liked me. My mom said it was because he was older.

When I was 3 or 4 my brother tried several times to have play sex. Although I dont think there was any penetration (can't remember). Even though I didnt know how babies were made, ironically, from age 4 to 13, I thought I was pregnant (because I had a little bump of fat on my belly). I kept thinking throughout my life that the baby was dead inside of me but I couldnt tell anyone. When I was 13, my brother asked to see me naked several times and touch me. He asked me to touch him. When he wanted to have more physical stuff I said no. Again, because I always wanted his attention I would do anything. I became depressed after this. I ended up becoming anorexic later that year (which ended up lasting through age 19).

I was hospitalized for anorexia and bulimia and this 'secret' accidentally came out and my parents found out. The hospital told my parents and they were going to contact authorities because i was still a minor. My mom begged me to recant because it would be in the press and it would also affect my brother's record and my parents were very disbelieving... altho my dad probably believed me. my brother visited me asking what he could do but soon after he just denied it and so no one ever mentioned it again. Somehow they were able to not report it. (my brother later became a police officer and luckily that wasnt on his record).

Through this time, my brother would say things to my parents about me (inferring that I am crazy or I am a loser of sorts), so out of wanting to be perfect, I tried to do everything I could to be better. I even excelled at things no one else did at a very young age. I never did drugs, never drank, got high degrees by the age of 21.

Now that I am in my 20s, my brother still comes around and says things that are aweful, like insults, left and right from the fact that i dont know how to cook to the way i decide on buying a nice car without any research. The thing is he never got to know me and over the last few years I became rebellious (any time he tried to lecture me, I would stick up for myself, which made him more insulting and cruel).

My best friend committed suicide and I tried to reach out to him to help me from the law enforcement side (we thought she was missing and it was to get info because we were not learning the details). He didnt return any of my calls. Later we found her dead and I tried calling him again. I was desperate and I was devastated.

A few weeks later, and recently lost our mom (tragically and suddenly) and i moved back with my father to help with things and my brother keeps telling him 'you know how my sister is...' inferring i'm less than good. All he sees are my reactions to his aweful insults and he continues to berate me and humiliate me even when i try to not talk to him or ignore him. he gets in my face and talks until i reply or such.

On my own I tried to get counseling, went to two different doctors but both knew my family and made that known to me right away so I couldnt tell them this part of what is really bothering me.

Now my brother has a new thing saying I need counseling. He goes around telling everyone that I need to be counseled. The more he says it the more 'crazy' i get. I dont know how to control my emotions... so recently i have been saying to him 'well i am crazy because of you abusing me'. Then I've had a few emotional outbursts with my father and in it I scream out things like, 'what kind of father were you for allowing him to do that and now you side with him'. My poor father!

I feel aweful afterwards because it has been such a secret for so many years. I dont want this to come out. I have been good about not bringing it up at all... but because he keeps on me and taunting me and criticising me with hurtful nasty comments, Its getting harder to keep this a secret.

Now I cant get counseling. My family is in show biz and something like this would be leaked so fast and would be devastating for all of us. My brother wants me to get counseling, but I am sure he is confident I would not bring this up.

Lately, I have suicidal thoughts from time to time. 99% of the time I am happy but this little dirty secret is killing me the other 1% of the time. I have NO ONE to talk to about it and I can not trust any one at all with this. Its just not something I can do.

I need to know how to cope with this continued 'verbal abuse' from my brother and be able to get over the past.

Thank you so kindly in advance and sorry this is so long.

blackshield

Hello Scarlet Girl,

It sounds as though your brother is a sexual predator. Your eating disorder is a direct result of you being abused.

Your brother is sick, however he has managed to turn his sickness around and is making you look like you are the one with the problem.

I'm sure that you are not the only person that has been a victim of his abuse.

He also sounds narcissistic to me.

I highly recommend counseling. You need to tell someone about this. You need to get some help for yourself.

You are the victim here.

XM8

Blackshield,

I agree with you partly. Of course the victim here is scarlet girl but the problem with her brother may have a deeper explanation that just him being a sexual predator.

I personally think that after reflecting upon the fact that you (scarlet girl) told your parents about the abuse, your brother feels intense regret - memories coming back to haunt him.

He is probably letting steam off by insulting you, but not because he really despises you. I think he is mad at himself and has no way of getting rid of his shame.

Maybe you should talk to him about the issue, confront him with it and really get to the bottom of it.

You should also take into consideration that maybe your brother wasn't intentionally trying to abuse you - if he was 17 maybe it was puberty playing up and he had no one else to have sexual experiences with. If that is really the case, you can't really blame your brother, because he would have been innocent if he didn't know what he was doing.

That might seem less of a reasonable explanation, but it could be true.

Don't let the past run your present for you - you control your mood, not your bad memories.

Take care,

-Xm8

Fr_Chuck

Report him, now, if statue of limitation of over, well they can't do anything but you come clean with it.

Sue him for the cost of your medical treatment in any case.

And don't go anywhere he is at, dont talk to him and don't allow him near you, get a restraining order if he does.

And why can't you go to a mental health counselor that "knows" your family, they by law can't disclose anything you tell them. but if not, find a doctor who you don't know. The fact is you have to reach out and get help.
** I would get the professoinal help before I would do my suggestioins above, to be sure that is thier idea also, but people that come to me as a victim have to learn to stand up to the idea and fight back.

Nestorian

Hummm, you are a very strong women. Do you see the many issues that are rittled all through your message? Rather then take on the whole issue of the past or verbal abuse, try to break it down in to smaller more managable parts.

This is just a working model that i'm working on, feel free to use it, or not...

To solve mental/abuse/anger/fear/etc issues in life try this.

1. Become aware of it, weather it's a thought, feeling, action.

2. break it down into parts, so you can manage it. Small steps to a bigger goal.

3. Imagine the goal, focus on the goal, and picture it clear in your mind.

4. Consistancy, Keep on task slow and steady and practice any skills often but short.

5. Celebrate small success.

You may consider moving away so you are not in that situation. Allowing you to re group, build skills, and find yourself.

There is not really much we can give to you.

"I need to know how to cope with this continued 'verbal abuse' from my brother and be able to get over the past."- you

What kind of options are you looking to use, spiritual, religious, Psychological/scientific (self help), just expressing yourself, self-defence course(nothing like a little Teakwondo or Mixed Martical arts to boots the confidence/endorphines/physique/etc)...

It may be a good idea to give us a clearer idea what you mean by, "I need to know how to cope with this continued 'verbal abuse' from my brother and be able to get over the past." - you

I understand the reason why, but what do you want to do about it...

Jake2008

I think the brother's anger and aggressiveness toward scarlet, is to control the secret through intimidation.

I agree that it could also be guilt, remorse, and add the loss of a parent to the mix, emotions are running high. IF the secret has been controlled for so long, successfully, Scarlet indeed needs to consider all her options.

Has there been a history of any sexual exploitation, otherwise. What have his relationships been like with girlfriends. Violent, aggressive, physically or emotionally abusive? How did he treat his mother and father, and other close relatives. Was there ever whispers of innapropriate behaviour with younger cousins.

It is entirely possible that, IF this sexual history with you Scarlet, was 'only' with you, and is something that he is willing to address, I would go that route first. Just my opinion here, but to involve anybody but the two of you and a counsellor, may not result in closure.

I don't want anybody to read this wrong here. I'm not saying that the brother should not pay for what he's done, but he cannot undo the past. IF this was something that he did, and regretted, he needs to address how it has affected another life and take responsiblity for it, and sincerely and honestly expose what he has done, via a third party.

If it is possible to at least start that way. Addressing this verbally may not result in compliance with this request. Try writing out a letter, include the date and time for counselling to address specific concerns, and tell him you will expect nothing less than him showing up, and dealing with what he has done. Register the letter, request a signature, and keep a copy.

If all else fails to produce any meaningful insight from him, and he refuses to take the necessary steps to address all the issues, then I would consider two things. One would be individual counselling for you Scarlet, and an appointment with a good lawyer.

I say this because he is being given an opportunity to, as much as can be expected, set the events of the past in the past where they belong, by addressing what he has done, through a reasonable request by you.

If he refuses, I would be highly suspicious of why, and for my own well being, again only my opinion here, I would address this through legal means, and see what your options are.

If plan 'A' goes, and he is able to resolve this with you, that would be great. But, if resolution is not going to happen that way, you and only you, can decide whether to take other action, or work this through with a good counsellor, for your own peace of mind.

You noted that you have not had effective counselling. I would try another town or city. All licenced therapists ahere to a code of conduct, and protecting your privacy is at the top of the list. Ask them about privacy issues, to reassure yourself before you go. Try to get someone experienced with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and don't be afraid to ask a lot of questions.

I wish you well, and sincerely hope that this works out for you, and hopefullly you will feel somewhat secure in posting your thoughts again, here.

scarletgirl

Thank you all SO VERY MUCH!

After all these years of being bottled up and afraid to say anything, posting this and getting these replies has been a huge relief... and at times i'm nervous... mixed feelings, but most importantly it has been SO HELPFUL to read your words. THANK YOU!

Well, to answer a few questions...

I dont believe he hurt anyone else. My brother and I were model children and now adults. My brother has done so many good samaritin things that make me realize he is a loving person. (which is even more the reason why i cant understand why he hates me).

Every one thought of our family as 'perfect'. My brother's relationships are all good from what I understand. Not one girlfriend has left him and not come back to be friends. Every single person he dated has remained friends that i know of. He just recently married and I refused to go to his wedding. It was out of town and he did not invite me directly and I only found out about it last minute through my father and frankly I did not want to go. Of course everyone has created a stink over this.

At the first episodes I was 3 and 4, so my brother was 7 and 8 years old. We were left with nannys and had plenty of free time. Perhaps someone abused him I thought. How would he know these things? We were not sure.

At the last episode i as 12/13 and he was 16/17. I remember specifically at the time he was dating some model who was 23 and my parents were making a big stink about why a 22 year old would want to go out with a 16 year old. He was very popular at school and such.

The reason I cant go to counseling is because we are connected to what some would say is a "household name". I already tried going 60 miles out of L.A. with the last doctor but then found out they knew us more quickly. I have learned through my life is that even if they are bound by laws of confidentiality that they seem to cant be quiet to tell friends etc of who they 'know'. I cant take that chance anymore.

Report him? I cant. I carry huge guilt of the happiness of my family (I do not know why after the way they treat me). My parents reaction when they found out was a shocker. It seemed like I became an outkast of the family at that point. After that my dad would never hug me or say he loved me (our family always told each other how we love you etc. at that point it just stopped with my father, who is my world in many ways). So i couldnt imagine any more pain in that way.

I appreciate seeing my brother as 'human' more than a 'criminal'. I know he feels bad for it and I think he was acting out perhaps. Not that i am justifying it but I am just trying to deal with the pain of all this and the way he continue to treats me and why i even care how he treats me. However, I dont want to hurt any one. I just really want to get past this and feel love and not want to die that 1% of the time.

I suppose I am messed up but thank you so much for your comments. I do appreciate it and am considering all the great ideas you've listed.

Jake2008

Maybe it is time to put this behind you then, once and for all. To keep carrying this simmering 1% as you put it, will only keep rearing its ugly head unless you do finally put it to rest.

I am relieved in a way to know that your brother's history doesn't indicate further abuse of others, although it is curious your observation that he may have been a victim himself somewhere along the line.

Do you think you can ever forgive him without him stepping up and admitting what he did, and apologizing for it?

Would it be possible to put your words together in a letter to him, with that in mind, and clear your thoughts by writing them out to him. Then let it go.

Or, perhaps writing them all out one last time, just for yourself, all the pain and confusion and hurt you've suffered, and then burn the letter without telling a soul.

I hope you find the strength to face it one last time, and deal with it in a final way.

Good luck to you Scarlet, you deserve some peace and resolve to this.

trmpldonagn

I'm sorry you had/have to deal with this. But that's just it. I'm not sure if you really really dealt with it. It sounded as if your emotions were all over the place. You shouldn't feel shame especially for having an "emotional outburst". These outbursts will keep happening and I don't mean on a normal human level when someone is simply having a bad day. If you don't deal with it, go through ALL of the emotions, anger, hurt, fear, shame, etc., they will branch out in different directions. As you go through life you may not know why you are reacting such ways in certain situations and with interacting with people. Have you tried a hotline or speaking to a counselor over the phone. You can keep it anonymous. Where I live they have this service I'm referring to.
Scarletgirl, abuse comes in many forms and sometimes abuse from a person can be so subtle yet do much damage that you may not realize. Damage other than your initial feelings. Verbal or any abuse in UNACCEPTABLE. And your brother was old enough to know what he was doing. I'm no expert but it seems like your brother is trying to project his feelings of insecurity and inferiority onto you. You're especially an easy target if he likes your reaction(s). This is actually a "high", although temporary, for A LOT of people. If he can't take his stuff out on you or try to get rid of it and dump it on you, believe me, he will re-route that negative energy onto someone else. Another victim. I'm sure, as you say, he is a good person or good samaritan. It doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem. It's a shame because it sounds as though he needs therapy as well even though he made the police force. His "stuff" will eventually haunt him and come out later as well as yours. I'm very sorry about your mom too and that throws another whole ball game into the mix. Please try still to seek a professional, a good therapist. Do it here with someone if you have to. I am not a professional but be patient. Someone will come along here and possibly offer. Hang in there and please don't just try and let this go. You need healing and closure.

XM8

Couldn't agree more with trmpldonagn,

No one should accept any form of abuse, whether physical or verbal. Since this experience has happened a while ago, it's normal that your emotional "outbursts" will continue to happen unless you get some kind of therapy.

If posting on here has helped you in any way, I'm more than happy for you. Yet if you think you need more help, maybe you should call a hotline as suggested above - that way you can remain anonymous. Or just talk it out with a friend, or write a letter - the main objective here is giving yourself a chance to break the silence becaue bottling all of these emotions up, is what causes these outbursts.

I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers,

Take care,

-Xm8