My brother is 4 years older than me.

Our family was very close (loving parents, no abuse, very normal). When I was very small, I knew my brother never wanted to be around me. He would want to go anywhere I wasn't. I adored my brother and wanted his attention so badly I would do anything to make him like me. He never liked me. My mom said it was because he was older.

When I was 3 or 4 my brother tried several times to have play sex. Although I don't think there was any penetration (can't remember). Even though I didn't know how babies were made, ironically, from age 4 to 13, I thought I was pregnant (because I had a little bump of fat on my belly). I kept thinking throughout my life that the baby was dead inside of me but I couldn't tell anyone. When I was 13, my brother asked to see me naked several times and touch me. He asked me to touch him. When he wanted to have more physical stuff I said no. Again, because I always wanted his attention I would do anything. I became depressed after this. I ended up becoming anorexic later that year (which ended up lasting through age 19).

I was hospitalized for anorexia and bulimia and this 'secret' accidentally came out and my parents found out. The hospital told my parents and they were going to contact authorities because I was still a minor. My mom begged me to recant because it would be in the press and it would also affect my brother's record and my parents were very disbelieving... although my dad probably believed me. My brother visited me asking what he could do but soon after he just denied it and so no one ever mentioned it again. Somehow they were able to not report it. (my brother later became a police officer and luckily that wasn't on his record).

Through this time, my brother would say things to my parents about me (inferring that I am crazy or I am a loser of sorts), so out of wanting to be perfect, I tried to do everything I could to be better. I even excelled at things no one else did at a very young age. I never did drugs, never drank, got high degrees by the age of 21.

Now that I am in my 20s, my brother still comes around and says things that are aweful, like insults, left and right from the fact that I don't know how to cook to the way I decide on buying a nice car without any research. The thing is he never got to know me and over the last few years I became rebellious (any time he tried to lecture me, I would stick up for myself, which made him more insulting and cruel).

My best friend committed suicide and I tried to reach out to him to help me from the law enforcement side (we thought she was missing and it was to get info because we were not learning the details). He didn't return any of my calls. Later we found her dead and I tried calling him again. I was desperate and I was devastated.

A few weeks later, and recently lost our mom (tragically and suddenly) and I moved back with my father to help with things and my brother keeps telling him 'you know how my sister is... ' inferring I'm less than good. All he sees are my reactions to his aweful insults and he continues to berate me and humiliate me even when I try to not talk to him or ignore him. He gets in my face and talks until I reply or such.

On my own I tried to get counseling, went to two different doctors but both knew my family and made that known to me right away so I couldn't tell them this part of what is really bothering me.

Now my brother has a new thing saying I need counseling. He goes around telling everyone that I need to be counseled. The more he says it the more 'crazy' I get. I don't know how to control my emotions... so recently I have been saying to him 'well I am crazy because of you abusing me'. Then I've had a few emotional outbursts with my father and in it I scream out things like, 'what kind of father were you for allowing him to do that and now you side with him'. My poor father!

I feel aweful afterwards because it has been such a secret for so many years. I don't want this to come out. I have been good about not bringing it up at all... but because he keeps on me and taunting me and criticising me with hurtful nasty comments, Its getting harder to keep this a secret.

Now I cant get counseling. My family is in show biz and something like this would be leaked so fast and would be devastating for all of us. My brother wants me to get counseling, but I am sure he is confident I would not bring this up.

Lately, I have suicidal thoughts from time to time. 99% of the time I am happy but this little dirty secret is killing me the other 1% of the time. I have NO ONE to talk to about it and I can not trust any one at all with this. Its just not something I can do.

I need to know how to cope with this continued 'verbal abuse' from my brother and be able to get over the past.

Thank you so kindly in advance and sorry this is so long.