When I was younger, I was the only girl who had an elder brother. All other families were all boys, or all girls... or the brother was the youngest. I remember being so close to my elder brother. I looked up to him, I trusted him. But I didn't know that how he was with me wasn't how other brothers and sisters were meant to be... I had nothing to compaire it to...

When I was younger I remember my mum giving me the birds and the bees talk... with him at the same time... I was a bit younger than most but I had started my periods before the age of 10 so she felt that I needed to understand a lot more... the thing though she said to me was... sex is a sign to show love for the person you sharing it with. Wasn't until I reached the age of 14 I realised that that wasn't how 'brothers' were meant to be with their little sisters. It makes me sick to think that it took me that long, I feel that it was a lot to do with denial.

I am findding it really hard to get close to people, I have manged to go to counciling... I have trusted my best friend, and my partner. But I can't seem to get rid of my anger. I want to tell my family but I am scared that it will caurse so much pain. I have stopped hating them because well they don't know... but part of me feels that they will either disown me or blame themselves...

When I was 13, my mum my dad and myself moved away, leaving him to go to uni. That is when I sort of started to realise that things he used to do and say just weren't right. When I moved back I did confront him [a friend was in the house at the time who I had vaguly given information to, for support, which my sibbling didn't realise] I told him "how could you do that to me"... he acted dumb... "how could you betray my trust"... and well as I continued he got up and said "you didn't complain"

As a result of this, I have sufford with anorexia, panic attacks, I have trouble sleeping at night, I am known to become violent.

I suppose my question is... Will I ever become "normal"..

You indicate that you have managed to go to counseling. Are you still going to counseling?

The scenario you have presented is extremely complex and requires a skilled specialty practitioner to assist in working through the conflicting emotions that have accumulated across the years.

The direct answer to your question is "yes" you can return to a normal emotional existence. There are however many issues that must be resolved (in your mind) in the process.

While it is important to have support and someone to share your feelings with (friends, confidants), it is unlikely that ultimate resolution can derive from those types of personal resources. Once again your circumstance is fraught with possibilities for intrapsychic conflicts (love/hate, blame/guilt, etc) that span different developmental time-zones (levels of maturation) and may have resulted in the conditions you cite. This clearly requires direction from a knowledgeable and skilled psychotherapist to help you along this path.

I really think anybody reading this is going to find it hard to advise you hun because you really have been through it and unless somebody else has experienced this it makes it very difficult to try to understand how you are feeling, but the important thing is that you came out of the other side of it and realised that you need some help to move forwards. I can promise you that nobody is normal in this world, everybody has their problems and it is those of us that choose to share them and try to understand them that eventually move on. I can totally sympathise with the anxiety and panic attacks because I have suffered with them in the past so if you ever just want to talk with somebody that will listen I am here. As for the counseling DrBill mentioned, are you getting professional support still? I HATED seeing counselors when I went through a rough time but looking back I swear it helped so much, so much so I still see somebody now and then to keep me stable. You need somebody to sit down and help you work out your emotions because otherwise they will eat you up inside and like you said all that will do is make you angry because you don't understand how you should be feeling. I think you are really brave to come on here and try to get help x