I feel Pathetic

I feel pathetic. I really do.

Every question that I have posted on this great site has all been about this one girl that I dated for a few weeks a few months ago.

It is just that I have never dated a girl that was so downright abusive to me. It started great despite the warning that she gave me that she had emotional baggage and trust issues. Then a week later she becomes vain and mean towards me. She would say that I was ugly while boosting that she was beautiful. She would tell me that she was flirting with men. She would tell me that she was dancing and giving men her number. My hobby is acting and all I heard was, "Your headshots are ugly or you suck." I didn't understand why because I treated with respect and tried hard to make it work. I just don't know how a person who supposedly cared about you would treat you like this... I kept thinking that I wasn't good enough throughout my experience dating her. I ended it quick. Even though she lingered on, I even stopped that... And ended all communication with her.

I did everything possible to remove her away from me but still the pain still lingers on. It has been 5 months... And I still think I am not good enough. My confidence has been shot. When I act, I think about her words that I suck. Even though I don't think I am bad-looking, I think about her words when I am brushing my teeth looking at the mirror. I feel like I can't get anyone anymore because I got to compare them to her. Nothing I do is good enough anymore to me. I almost have this impossible standard to reach. I am backpacking in a different continent for six months (3 more to go!).... I can't seem to fully enjoy it because I keep thinking how I could 1 up her... Or thinking about how maybe the man she might be dating with is ten times better than me or thinking maybe she treated me this badly because I was really not good enough for her or thinking about the things she may tell people.

This is just ridiculous on my part. I am an actor. You would think that rejection would be natural to me. But, I guess I open myself up too fast to people. That is where I can get hurt. I am afraid. First, that I would never get over this: this unhealthy level of achieving perfection and nick-picking everything that is wrong with me. This constant thought that I have to 1 up her. Secondly, I am afraid that I may never be my caring self to someone else I care about because I may be too scared to open myself up again. I try to be a nice and caring guy to the girls that I like but I don't want to ever feel like this ever again. And, I am scared. Really scared that this may happen again.

I don't know what to do... Should I seek help? Holy hell. What did I get myself into? This is why good guys become son of *****es. I understand now.