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Lately I've been having "thinking" issues. I've been thinking way too much about nonsense... Stuff from the past that aren't the best of memories that were supposedly dealt with and buried. But mostly about conversations with people that I have had recently thats disturbing me the most - what I said, how I said it, how stupid or off the wall I sounded... Then I'll roll-play in my mind the conversations with what I should have said, could have said, etc... I feel weird - like I have to change it or something... I know that no amount of "roll-playing" is going to change it and I've been trying really hard to make it stop, but I keep catching myself doing it. It's like I can't make it stop. Also, lately I've been having to tell and remind myself not to talk to much so that I don't make a fool of myself because most of what I'm saying thats so embarrassing to me is just loud and goofy stuff which isn't me, but I can't seem to keep my mouth shut...
This is really affecting me. Yesterday I was asked to speak at a motivational group meeting which I've done several times in the past, but I turned it down... I feel like I'm changing and it doesn't feel good...
It sounds like you are going through a period of enlightenment Akae. I know these well having done layers of them. The first one was hairy, but they get easier. LOL What is waiting for you on the other side of this is outright wonderful and well worth how awkward and out of sort you feel to yourself just now. This too shall pass! LOL
In order to change we must, in some regards, tear up our maps, abandon our familiar ways of operation and it takes courage to do this. But the phoenix rises from the ashes a new and improved Akae or Val. This is one of several ways enlightened people get so comfortable in their skin. The price life exacts of us for peace of mind is courage for exactly what you are experiencing now. Hang in there and just "watch the movie" if you can. Try not to resist or direct. Let loose with the thinking and watch what comes up as non judgementally as you can. The truth is we are never really over anything in life but rather we heal each one by percentages, never reaching 100%. When something happens like it, we revisit it-- consciously or subconsciously or even both! Its okay to respond to how vulnerable you feel and be a little more private just now. You have apparently found a long lost voice in you -- listen to what its saying since there are some great clues there. Some terrific things are happening to you -- I honestly believe that. You must be ready or your subconscious wouldn't have arranged for it now or allowed something to trigger it -- please trust that too.
The only thing consistent in life is change!
And I have never seen one of these kinds of changes result in anything bad and I rarely say words like never. They usually result in a big epiphany. Let's see on this one, okay?
Forgive me, I don't have the answers. But Val sure does above, such incredibly wise and insightful words Val.
Kae, I am just intruding on this thread, to let you know, that just in the short time we have interacted, you have made me smile, and all of your special caring qualities just beam through. So I guess this is more of a hug and to let you know, your kindness has touched me. Sorry these are not answers, but I wanted to share them anyway.
Val - you are so amazing. I am in awe of you as a person and all of that incredible wisdom that you possess.
When I speak, I honestly do speak from the heart.
Sorry again for the lack of answers. Just felt compelled to share Kae, how you have touched me.
Thank you Val and Allheart for the wise and kind words.
I actually do have a lot of life changes taking place at the present time (some very unexpected ones and some planed ones) and I guess I'm lacking the courage it takes to get through it all with a level head.
My family will be making a 1,200 mile move this coming summer. Every aspect of this move is already in progress. I feel like theres a billion things happening around me, I get this nervous feeling and then turn into this goofy woman when I'm speaking to people - it's quite embarrassing... It's then when I really start making a fool of myself...
I have already left my job (which use to take up a lot of my new "senseless thinking" time LOL). It seems now that when I have a lot to do, my mind is somewhere else and when I have nothing to do I ponder over everything I said wrong while my mind was somewhere else...Does that make any sense?
Thanks once again to the both of you. I'm really glad I found this group especially for times like this. It's too bad that shedding layers has to be so painstakingly difficult...but I guess it's like Val said, it's necessary in order to once again feel comfortable.
Kae
Screw the level head part!! LOL For those of us who are very connected to our environments, moving is a traumatic event! I know, I am one of them. So its going to be unnerving, even discomboobulating, and especially exhausting. Make accomodations for that upfront and it may go easier. Also add in as much structure as you can to this process. Get organized any way you can. Schedule your days, even if its artificuially seeming, so you counteract a bit more of that "orbiting in space" feeling.
I used to give friends like you (and me) a premature house warming gift. It was a small framed drawing I did of a colorful dot about the size of a ping pong ball with words along these lines written under it. "This is YOUR spot, it is rightfully yours and uniquely yours and no one else in the univers will even fit this spot. It goes wherever you go so there is nothing to keep or lose or give away or protect. It is your spot. Enjoy!" I understand they kept it propped up while packing and some versions of it now hang in friends' new homes. LOL
I always remind myself about how much I HATE packing up but I LOVE the unpacking and then have myself a good chuckle over that, too.
PS - If you are that connected, be prepared for some big screen technicolor dreams in your new house too. Dr. Jizzle and I both experienced those.
I just want to thank both Val and Allheart for helping me jump back on track!
I needed that bit of support to help change my thinking pattern back to where I want it to be - I'm feeling much better...
Thanks a million and more!
Kae
Just to throw in my two cents - make sure you are totally healthy. Sometimes that thought process of guessing ourselves, repeating history, worrying about what we said, what we think we should have said, is an indicator of stress. Which, is all normal by the way. We all have those times and will continue to have those times. Take care of all your needs.
I leave you with this poem by Jayne Relaford Brown:
FINDING HER HERE
I am becoming the woman I’ve wanted,
grey at the temples,
soft body, delighted,
cracked up by life
with a laugh that’s known bitter,
but, past it, got better,
knows she’s a survivor—
that whatever comes,
she can outlast it.
I am becoming a deep
weathered basket.
I am becoming the woman I’ve longed for,
the motherly lover
with arms strong and tender,
the growing-up daughter
who blushes surprises.
I am becoming full moons
and sunrises.
I find her becoming,
this woman I’ve wanted,
who knows she’ll encompass,
who knows she’s sufficient,
knows where she’s going
and travels with passion.
Who remembers she’s precious,
yet not at all scarce—
who knows she is plenty,
plenty to share.
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