I tried posting a similar question on the 'relationships' forum, but I thought I'd give this a try as well. K, here goes.

I am 19 years old and have an almost 3 year relationship with my boyfriend, who's also 19. We had a relationship in high school and we now live 1 1/2 hrs away from each other because of college. Since he left to go to school in Aug. 2007, things have drastically changed with us. He began calling me names, putting me down, denying things he said and over the months it has made me feel worthless, and kind of depressed. We argue on the phone and when he gets angry he calls me stupid, dumb***, a**hole, jerk, dumbfuc* and he's called me worthless...among other several names. When I begin to cry because of this, he just gets too fed up and hangs up the phone. He often yells at me and tells me to fu** off and leave him alone. This just makes me even more sad and hysterical and I end up calling him back many times. Whenever he does answer the phone he will just tell me to leave him the fu** alone, or he will laugh at me when I cry and tell me I'm irrational and stupid. I will then ask him crying why he laughs at me and he will just reply "because you're stupid."

It's really strange to me because when he'd come home for christmas or whatever holiday, we NEVER argue or anything. It's like when he's away he's a completely different person. He tells me it's because I'm not stupid when he's with me in person...but I don't try to act any different at all. All his name calling and him putting me down has turned me in to a VERY, VERY sensitive and emotional girl.

Other things that bother me is that he likes to play video games a LOT, like 4-5 hours straight and to the point where we'll be on the phone talking and he won't pay attention. He's also started drinking a bit more since he's been in school and I am ok with that, but sometimes I get REALLY insecure that he might cheat on me if he gets too wasted. He has also smoked marijuana in the past and that kind of bothers me as well. Whenever he brings up the smoking weed with his friends it makes me feel really sad. I'm not sure if it's my fault because we are both from different cultures (I'm Mexican and he's American) but we have different views on several things. For example, I don't agree that that it's ok for him to hang out with his girl-friends at 3am, but for him it's fine because they're just FRIENDS. Sometimes him being around other girls make me uncomfortable because I think he will cheat. (He's never done so, by the way)

I've been so sad lately to the point that my workmates and friends and my family notices. I care about this guy immensely, and I don't want us to just leave each other, but I wish there was some way I knew how to fix all this name-calling and me being sensitive, and also my insecurity with some of the things he does. I want to be a better person for him and for me, but I don't want to get my personality destroyed and have low-self esteem forever. I want the arguing to stop and I want to just be happy with him. I know this was extremely long but I would appreciate ANY advice on this. ANYTHING will help at all.

THANKYOU SO MUCH!

jrebel7

A Halfhearted Commitment Is Worse Than No Commitment At All.

My advice is walk away and keep on walking. You have tried to "fix" it. You aren't the problem other than enabling him to continue in his rude, absurd treatment of you. No person should ever allow others to call them names and demean them as a person. You sound like a person who has fallen in love with this guy and perhaps in the beginning, he was worthy of your love. Whatever has caused the change, the change is evident. I would tell him you have loved him well but you are out of his life as of this moment.

Bless your heart! Hold your head up and allow others to see the beautiful person inside you. Allow yourself to see the beautiful person inside you. My daughter-in-law is Mexican, my son is not. They have three beautiful children together and walk through this life together, respecting each other, loving and kindhearted one to the other.

Never allow anyone to make you feel less than you are. I know it is hard to walk away when you feel love for some one but read your post and then ask yourself what your advice would be to a sister or a friend who shared this same information. WALK, no, let's say RUN away from that guy as fast as you can and never look back.

I am not being unfeeling. I have a heart for the hurt you feel in your heart. I just want you to be all you can be and you won't be that with this guy.

IT IS ABUSE, YES! Please don't allow it to continue!

YeloDasy

I fully agree with the above post!!!! You deserve much better.... he does not treat you well. If he wants you back, he knows what he has to do. You can tell him how you feel when he calls you names, and you will no longer tolerate it. (do it when you are not arguing, in a normal conversation). If he does it again, you will not answer his calls or call him. Take control back!!! He will either change, or not. You will find someone who will appreciate you. You are young, and I know it is hard to let go and know there is someone better for you... but you will see!

oneguyinohio

I agree with the above posters. If he finds it acceptable to talk to you like that under any circumstances, he has a problem that only he can fix. By being willing to put up with it, you are making it easy for him to continue... and paying a price yourself with the loss of your self esteem. You are in college so I know you are not ignorant. You can go far if you don't let some idiot guy hold you down.

His actions which bother you should not be ignored because you care for him. Instead, those actions of his should be red flags that warn you about the danger to your wants and values in life.

LivingAndLearning

I hope this answer may help a bit, since I've been in a similar situation.. Bare with me, it might be long.. I was once in love with a guy, who sounds a lot like ur boyfriend. We too met young, and I honestly thought I was going to marry the guy. We dated two years, and I was completely content staying home (because he was too insecure to let me go out w/my friends w/out him), while he went out. Call it stupid, but I complied w/out any complaints. I loved the guy. And besides, "going out" wasn't my thing. Then two years later, I moved out of our small town to New York City. All of a sudden, there was a whole world I had been missing. I quickly made friends, and started going out much more. I still was the same toward him (never cheated, never even thought about it), but I noticed his behavior toward me changed. He became increasingly jealous, and started calling me names as well. Everything from b*tch, to even worse. I will admit, I did hang up on him every time I heard that because I wasn't about to subject myself to that. Sadly, I stayed in it for another year. By that time, he had even resorted to throwing a punch here n there (if you let him get away with verbally abusing you, it WILL escalate--disrespect is disrespect either way). At a point, I started realizing this wasn't what I wanted out of a future husband (again, I was young & naive and thought he was the only one for me) and I just knew inside I couldn't put myself through this for much longer. I broke up with him after 3 1/2 years, and honestly have not looked back. It was hard at first, I lost a ton of weight and felt anxious about being single again. I had a period where I was really down, drank a lot and acted promiscuous, but I got over that quickly (realized it wasn't for me) and embraced being single. As hard as it first seemed to not have someone to talk to at night, or knowing that I "failed" at maintaining a relationship, it DID get easier. And that was years ago. I'm now married to the most amazing man I have ever met. And my ex is married as well. The one thing that helped heal any/all wounds was time. It's been years, and I'm so over it. In fact, I've forgotten all the bad and have nothing but the best to say about him. He had a good heart and meant well, but was ridiculously insecure, and has a hell of a road in front of him (if he EVER thought it was ok to speak to someone like that, or to put his hands on a woman), but that's his problem. About a month before I got married, he contacted me to wish me well. I appreciated it, cuz afterall, this person was in my life for quite some time. The one thing that really sealed the deal? He straight out told me, "I realize I lost the best thing that I ever had, nobody will ever compare to you." I know he sees it was his loss, and might I add, it feels damn good to finally get that "closure"...even though I didn't ask for it.

The bottom line is, don't EVER let someone speak to you like that. It's his own insecurities or issues getting in the way, and you don't deserve to be subjected to that. MOVE ON..as hard as that sounds, it's actually more possible than you may think. At first you will probably question yourself, and have doubts. But you are soo young and have an entire life ahead of you, you owe it to yourself to seek better. Take this time to find out who you are, and focus on yourself. Before you know it, you'll look back and say, "I can't believe that was in this lifetime." (I think that all the time)..

peggyhill

I do think that the way he talks to you is emotional abuse. If something you are saying when you call bothers him, he should be able to discuss that with you like an adult, not tell you that you are stupid and call you names and laugh at you. I think you should tell him that things are over for now, because you deserve to be treated better. The fact that he is nice in person is no excuse for his bad behavior the rest of the time. And it's not worth it to you. Think of all the times when your night has been ruined because of something cruel he said to you. You deserve someone who will be nice all the time.

I have to say, I would have a problem with him hanging out with girls at 3 in the morning, whether they are friends or not, but that's just my opinion. But I don't think you are wrong to have a problem with that, I would, and so would lots of other women if their boyfriend was doing that. If he was single, there wouldn't be anything wrong with it, but he isn't single and has made a commitment to you, so I think hanging out alone with girls at 3 in the morning is a bad idea for him. It's kind of putting himself in temptation's way.

I think you should leave the relationship before he hurts you anymore. Verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, just in a different way. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't deserve you.

Fr_Chuck

This is emotional abuse and you should hang up if and when he ever does it again. You are better off without anyone like this, run don't walk and move on.