well. i think i might be depressed. i dont know. i have felt like this for quite a while now. ive been feeling very "alone" lately. i started feeling this way towards the end of april and into may. i feel almost disconnected from everyone else. i feel like my friends are slipping from me and that they are so far away (literally and figuratively). a lot of times i feel like i dont mean anything to anyone. i feel like i dont fit in with my family and that out of all the friends i have there are only one or two i can really open up to. i dont open myself up to others easily. ive just been so... blah. i cant describe it. i feel like doing nothing. i just want to feel good about myself and be happy.

i havnt felt really happy in such a long time. i feel like sometimes i just want to scream. im the kind of person that bottles their emotions and then explodes (i know its bad to do that but its true). to my family i seem cold and my mom has jokingly told me i resemble the tin man from the wizard of oz bc i have no heart. my friends say that i am a really good person and thats not true and i am not a heatless person. that its the opposite. sometimes i just cry. i dont cry often but when i do its so random. sometimes i wish i just had someone to tell me, "no youre not crazy. youre normal. everyone goes through this." but none of my female friends do. theyre always so perky and happy. i dont know why. they get happy about the most frivolous things. i wish i could become happy so easily...

i also wonder if i might be bipolar. ive noticed that i have extreme highs and lows. for a few days i will be on coud nine and then the days afterwards i can be down in the dirt. last year when my bf (of one year) and i broke up i was so down. my friends were actually worried about me. i didnt eat as much. i didnt talk as much. i didnt smile. it took effort to smile and laugh. but then a couple of months later when we got back together i was euphoric. people noticed that i was happier. they could actually tell. nothing like that has happened with anyone i know. no one.

so for example. today i was talking to my friend and he said he talked to his mom and he thinks he might be depressed. ive never really thought about going to see anyone or telling my parents that i think i may be depressed sometime. it was such a shock when my best friend told me he was depressed. i actually cried. i felt so guilty. i felt like if i had been a better friend i could have stopped his from being unhappy. and then i started thinking about all my friends and how i feel like i dont matter and dont make them happy and i felt so insignificant and worthless. but right now i feel composed. still rather blue and very blah and apathetic. i have a huge test tomorrow that i havnt even studied for yet. im a straight a student. but i feel so caught up and sluggish that im not doing anything.

i feel like im putting time into stupid things. like watching pointless videos on youtube and saving up money for things i probably wont buy anyway and ive stopped reading. i love to read. but everything is boring to me now. i dont paint. i dont sew. im just not in the mood. for two weeks ill be interested in something and then the interest will pass and i will be interested in something else. my hobbies are always changing. they never satisfy me for a long period of time.

i just dont know anymore... help. please.

Clough

Hi, ciaobonefish!

I can identify with many of the ways that you have felt!

It's best to take things simply here...

First, how old are you, please?

Thanks!

ciaobonefish

oh thank you for answering!
i am 16.
kinda young i suppose. but you cant help how you feel

Clough

Thanks!

Do you spend a lot of time around other people and, if so, do you enjoy what you do with them?

ciaobonefish

well. sometimes i just want to be around people and interact with them. may be itll make me happier and more carefree and not so blah all the time. i dont like feeling lonely. i feel lonely quite a lot. but sometimes i just want to be left by myself. i dont want to deal with people. my best friend is going to a different school this year and shes called me a few times. instead of answering i just hit ignore... idk why. i just didnt feel like talking.

EDIT: i like doing stuff like talking about intellectual things (kind of vague i know but im a gifted student). i like watching movies (good movies and then bad ones making fun of them haha). and just hanging out generally.

Clough

I'm kind of a loner at heart myself. I really am a people person who really likes to be involved in groups. Please see my profile concerning that. But, when it comes to my private time that I need for myself, I just like to be alone and do my own thing. But, doing my own thing often involves preparing for being involved with others, such as being on this site or in other activities.

What sort of things do you like to do by yourself? Are you into any of the arts, like music, theater, painting or drawing, perhaps?

Thanks!

ciaobonefish

well. i like doing a lot of things. but not everything all the time if you catch my drift. i love to sew. paint. draw. collage. design clothes. make messenger bags. act (speech and debate). go see bands perform live. listen to music. snowboard. tkd. read read read. watch movies. BUT. a lot of the time im never in the mood for the stuff i love to do. i love that stuff but right now i dont have the desire to do any of it. i have um random urges to do something. i dont do anything unless im motivated. my hobbies are always changing because im never satisfied with one for a really LONG period of time. :/

Clough

I forgot to mention writing as being one of the arts. Are you into writing?

It sounds to me, that with all you're involved in, that there might be the possibility that you are clinically depressed, but I'm not sure yet... And, of course it's impossible to come up with some sort of diagnosis on this site.

I am clinically depressed and have been on medication for it before. I am also involved in a lot of things.

It's also possible that you may be doing too many things.

What do you think about that?

Clough

Okay, I can see that you are no longer logged on here. I am concerned for you and hope that we can continue this conversation at another time.

Your involvement in artistic type endeavors is particularly interesting to me, since those are the types of things that I am involved in the most and being artistically motivated could be part of the issues that you are having because of the way that you are feeling.

I do know quite a few people on this site who I could ask to join in on this thread who could be of help to you, if needed.

Artists tend to think alike. We also tend to be a moody bunch with highs and lows concerning our temperaments, dispositions and how we think about ourselves and others in general.

You're not alone, here...

As such, I look forward to further dialogue with you, ciaobonefish!

ciaobonefish

oh sorry about last night. it was around 1:30 and i had school the next day (today) so i had to get SOME sleep.

hmm. involved in so many things. i dont think so. because those are the things i like to do but i dont do them all at once. ill may be like painting for a week or so and then lose interest. ill take up sewing but then ill get bored because sewing is so simple. its kind of like im trying to find a way to make myself happy. some kind of magic hobby that will always cheer me up and i just havnt found it and i doubt it even exists. nothing helps. BUT. being motivated to talk to someone i spilled my guts to one of my few good friends. someone i thought would understand what i am going through. just talking about everything with someone face to face really helped. she encouraged me to tell my mom because she feels the lack of communication between us is really hurting me and she is unable to help me because she doesnt know how i feel ever.

its this mood swing thing again. when im around people i either feel happyish or i feel like im an outsider. when im by myself everything just seems like its closing in around me and i feel suffocated almost. i just feel so alone.

oh and if you have friends that you think would be able to help even more than you have (thank you so much!) feel free to ask them to join the thread. its nice to know different peoples opinions on things.

again thank you so much!

and you can just call me sana.