I am trying to work out whether my ex has a personality disorder or whether we were just emotionally incompatible?

I have had relationships - several. Most of them good.
3 years ago I met a girl who was down on her luck and very jealous and posessive and demanding on what she wanted - ALL OF MY ATTENTION. She was a bit of an oddball and her social skills were bad - not that she was not intelligent - she was just abrasive, grandiose and had no emotional understanding of others so would give cold v sensible advice without being asked.

There were lows and highs but for most of the time she was insistent on living her life through me which made me feel very responsible for her and her happiness. WIthin weeks of meeting she gave up her job for me and wanted to come and work with me - I own a small company. WIthin months she wanted to marry me and live together. She had previously been in a marriage for 7 years although refused to talk about any of that time with me. I told her that we needed to know one another first and that came with time, so she sold her flat and moved into a flat a 5 min walk from my home. I had been single for 2 years having come out of a 7 year relationship so wanted to take things slowly. She seemed to offer everything in many respects and seemed extemely victorian and old fashioned in her values in terms of what a realtionship ought be.

The relationship was very on and off - I would get to the point where I felt caged by her and unable to breath - my wanting space was seen as a big rejection. She HAD to be in my bed every night. When we did split I would get bombarded with texts and letters - she even had a set of my keys cut and stormed into my flat on one occasion when I had asked for some time alone. Would check my mobile and break into my hotmail etc etc...

She had one or two vague friends and was not close with her family and would tell me that I was her first love and had never felt like this about anybody despite one living with a girl for 7 years and having matching tatoos on her arm from a previous relationship.
I am a quiet caring type and am fairly independent and need my space and interests. She did not approve of either of these things and would be on dating websites whenever I was out with friends or doing evening interests which would really upset me. She would say she did it because she was lonely so I felt sorry for her - and more responsible.

I found her to be very emotionally needy - of attention attention and more attention. Any requests for a life of my own or interests or space was viewed very negatively. She even came diving with me on one occassion - despite not being able to swim - nearly drowned... I would suggest to her that she out find a job and find friends and interests and that I was not responsible for her happiness. She would end up in nightclubs - though did start getting interested in polotics... It got to the stage where by if I spent an evening out with friends it would provoke a v hostile reaction and accusations of me not wanting to intergrate her fully into my life. I did not - when out with her she was like a leech - would glare at any woman who she did not know who I spoke to or who looked at me (with a very intense almost evil stare) and be very curt with most people who would talk with me or overcompensate and be overly familiar with friends of mine she did not know. It became a bit embarressing to socilaise with her. She never said anything positive about any of my friends or my family - my friends were all emotionally ed up and my relationship with my family was weird? As she had very few interests of her own other than me she also lacked much to talk about.....

For a quiet life and because she could be an assertive V selfless girl in many respects I forgave and chose to see the good side of things. Sexually I feel the intensity of all of this made our sex life amazing. It was amazing. I think the intensity of our dysfunction made up in the bedroom. She was always always asking me to tell her that I loved her - it got to the stage where I could not say it - as I felt more pity. She then began to wear me down calling me a cold emotionally dead robot - selfish - self centrerd etc etc

Anyhow back end of last year I could take no more and ended it - pleading with her that i needed space and that I felt that my life had been hyjacked. I was by then a bit all over the place and hitting the bottle a bit...I had lost my life compass....

We met during this period and I told her that emotionally we were very different people and that it could not work. She seemed a bit upset but accepted it which I found very surprising - infact attractive - I felt that maybe she had grown and realised and that there was potential for growth.

However I then get a text telling me that she has met someone new - a brazilian waiter who is 24 and that they are moving into gether. Now don't ask me why but this has left me devistated. They have now been together for a few months and even now it allows all of the projection from 3.5 years together - that I am cold, uncaring, heartless, insensitive, a robot, selfish, self centred etc to be questioned by myself. As she is with this new guy (there is a big age gap - she is 40 - and imbalance which I can see) and appearingly very happy (or is this my imagination) it leaves me feeling alone rejected and at fault...

I am questioning whether there is personality disorders involved - I know I got co-dependent to an extent - but my therpist suggested she may have boarderline, narcessistic or obsessive compusive - or a mix -

It has left me feeling really rejected, used and f***ed up. And has left me questioning who I am and what my life is anymore.

Now when we spoke (we have not for over a month now) I hear that she has stolen my narrative / viewpoint regarding my take on our relationship together - and has somehow poisoned my mind into beliveing that she was right??!!!

She says that had she not met her new bf then she would want to be be with me, but I left a door open and she loves him too much to risk returning to me but misses me and suggests that I was abusive to her?

My mind is going a bit wobbly!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It is though her bigger than life self and demanding over confidence has infected my brain!!

ordinaryguy

And no wonder. This gal has jerked you around every which way, and left you flailing in the dust. It doesn't matter what kind or how many personality disorders she has. Suffice it to say she's not a healthy or emotionally stable person and you should thank that Brazilian kid for distracting her. Stop contact with her completely and start your (probably long) recovery. I feel for you, man, but hopefully you will learn from this that the excitement of being with a wild and crazy gal isn't worth the emotional cost. After you've healed some and got your equilibrium back, find a woman who has some substance and stability of her own to have a real adult relationship with.

aanthonyy

Thanks for your responce. The horrible thing is that she in many ways was so committed to the relationship and only behaved this way because I was initially wanting to take things slowly and then really questioning whether it could work out then feeling very responsible for her.
It was apparently all my fault for witholding emotionally, though there was never an environment in which I could trust. If ever I said 'I' wanted to do something, she would explode saying it was about 'we' and no longer 'I' and that I was selfish and controlling?!
It leaves me wondering had I bought a house with her or married her whether she would have then felt stable and secure and would have chilled out.

I hate feeling that I am the one who is emotionally unstable as I am now alone and questioning everything while she is about to provide the Brazilian with a passport - they are going to get married....

All of my friends say thank the Brazilian and pity the poor guy. Though my ex tells me his (the Brazilian) is completely jealous and posessive.

RubyPitbull

um, aanthony, WOW!!! That was a lot to take in. I think it is very good that you are going to a therapist for help with this. What your EX girlfriend, and keep telling yourself she is your EX, did to you was a complete emotional tapdance and clobbering over the head. She has completely taken away your self confidence and to be an emotionally independent person. You really need to think about your past relationships and what a NORMAL relationship is about. They did not cause you as much stress, grief, heartache, or emotional turmoil as this relationship has done. What you have described regarding your EX is someone who is an emotional abuser. Separating you from your friends, family, and activities that you enjoy, is a classic sign of an abuser. First rule of thumb is never, ever get involved with someone you feel sorry for. That is not a reason for entering into a relationship. You allowed her to overtake your life very quickly. Her chronic neediness for your complete and absolute attention should have been a huge red flag to you. She appears to be a master manipulator. Try to take yourself out of the scenario and think about what you would tell a friend who was experiencing what you experienced with her. You would tell the guy to get as far away from her as possible! So what if she was nice sometimes. It isn't much of a tradeoff for someone who suffocates and emotionally abuses your kindness the way she did. She may be 40 but has acted like a young teenager with no life experience, in her relationship with you. No normal woman would object to you having your hobbies or going out with your friends occasionally. That is what an abuser does -- controls everything you do and force you to live your life in a way that only revolves around that one person. Your therapist is right. Your ex is narcissistic. I will throw in that she sounds like a bit of a socio-path. You need to stop questioning yourself. You did nothing wrong. Until you are willing to move on from her, your emotional health will be in jeopardy and you will keep questioning yourself. As I said before, YOU did nothing wrong. You need to focus on all the bad things that occurred during your time with her, the emotional upheaval she caused, and realize that you are far better off without her in your life. Cut off all contact with her, please. Be grateful that you didn't have any children with her and that she found someone else. You are now free from the hell on earth she created for you. Find someone worthy of you that you can actually build a healthy relationship with. Relationships are about loving communication, and compromise, not arguments and jealousy. You did not have the important components necessary for a healthy and loving relationship with this woman. At 40 years old, if she hasn't learned how to conduct herself properly in a relationship, she never will.

aanthonyy

Thanks so much for your responce - it made me a bit upset. Is horrible as I am an otherwise intelligent guy, and I beat myself up for getting involved with this girl. Wish to god that I had not had the misfortune of meeting her in the first place.
Having tried so hard for so many years for her to see how a realtionship functions, she has replaced my wisdom with her narrative in a way I cannot describe. It leaves me feeling as though she was right and I failed her! I can see clearly that you are right, but emotionally it has left me questioning everything especially when she projects unto me that I was abusive to her and that she was in a living hell with me for 3.5years....
Because I am vulnerable now this can get a bit tricky.
I have now had no contact with her for a month after her jealous new boyfriend opened her post found my number and called me which caused a huge blow up - which was somehow my fault apparently for keeping in contact with her....
Is like a school yard drama which I want NOTHING more to do with, but boy did she get in deep - found all of my weak points and manipulated them.. Yeah my self confidence needs some building! grin...

RubyPitbull

I am sorry if I upset you. You sound like a very nice guy. You need to understand that all that you are going through, the self doubt, the questioning, the believing now that maybe you were at fault, is all part and parcel of what the victim of emotional abuse goes through. It is going to take you a while to get yourself onto your feet again. Just think in terms of how long you were in your relationship. The fix to a daily "pounding" won't happen overnight. You need to work at it. Keep going to your therapist. Go out with your friends. Get back into your hobbies and try to find some new ones. Spend time with your family. At least once a day, do something positive for yourself, no matter how small it may be. Maybe it is just going for a jog or watching a good comedy. Maybe it is going out to dinner with good friends for a laugh. Maybe start learning how to do Karate. What have you thought about doing and have never had the time to learn? Start there.

aanthonyy

Is fine that I got upset - it does help get it out of my system so you have no need to apologise. Is better than the stress and deadness I felt while with her! It also means I can have a good laugh too once in a while!
I have been trying to keep busy - friends family hobbies etc but what makes is difficult is the size of her presence and personality - everybody else I meet seems so pale and a bit boring!! This makes it really difficult. I really thought that I had kept my 'self' and independence during the relationship, and was genuinely shocked by my reaction since we split. I had a month of two of calm then this god-almighty storm....
I just did a google on narcessistic/sociopath and it seemed to hit the mark - but also rang true in what she said I was - maybe she was projecting?!! Though I have friends close family and previous good relationships... I will get my foundations back....

RubyPitbull

Honey, it is just going to take time. Although our thoughts turn to dating other people after a breakup, sometimes, it is just too soon for some of us. You are nowhere near ready to meet someone new and give it a chance to blossom into a relationship. You are so emotionally raw now.

Abusers will always turn the tables and claim that the abused person is the one who did all the things that was actually done by the abuser. It is a way of maintaining that control over their victim. What might help you is to sit down and write a letter to her. Write out everything that she did to you and how it left you feeling. DO NOT mail it. This is just an exercise to get everything out of your mind and onto paper. Share it only with your therapist. Let your therapist hold onto it. There will come a time when you will feel ready to ask for it back so you can reread it and tear it up. The other thing you can do is write a list of Pros & Cons. All the good things about your ex, and the bad things. Keep the list with you, adding to it when you think of something. After two or three weeks, I can guarantee you that the Con list will be quite extensive. Bring that into your therapist as well for a discussion. The whole point of these exercises is for you to see in black & white what kind of damage this relationship did to you, see how far better off you are without her, and will help you get things into their proper perspective.

aanthonyy

Will an abuser be aware of their actions? Will they be aware that they are being controlling and manipulative? Or will their deep seated insecurities and vulnerabilities override any posibility of self awareness on their part?
It all a load of lies to defend the truth of who they are?
I don't know why I can't just think f**k it - your history.
Thanks for your kind advice. I have done much of it - and am a hell of a lot better than I was some weeks ago... I just find it very difficult to accept that one could be that dishonest - seemingly doing everything for me - but wanting payback totally on their terms?

aanthonyy

The one overriding memory is that everything had to be on her terms emotionally - she needed x y and z and 'a lot of attention' she did once say that she finished with an ex because of 'lack of attention'. My needs - which were basically for some space in my life were not respected. She would say if I give you an inch you will take a mile - I would feel like some child and who you f**k are you trying to dictate my life. I guess regardless of everything else that is not a relationship I want ever again - with one who does not respect my boundaries. By the end there were no boundaries and no respect. Emotionally I felt NOTHING by the end of it.