Asked Jul 16, 2012, 07:49 AM
Apologies for the length, but I wanted to cover every base and show I do have legitimate reasons for feeling the way I do.
I'm twenty years old, and I feel like my entire life up to this point is completely pointless. I've struggled with depression since middle school, and it seems like it only gets worse with time. I still live at home, i'm unemployed, and never started going to college. My cousin two years younger than me is moving into his own apartment this fall, and it leaves me wondering what i've even been doing with my life.
My high school friends had a falling out, and I only hang around one person. We're still very close friends, but I feel like I live in his shadow. He's everything i'm not; he can repair just about anything on a car, the one job he's had he still works at for about a year now. He can actually think for himself, and he's a problem solver. My high school friends have tried getting back in touch with him, but have blatantly admitted they don't care about me.
I've been single for four years, and while this normally isn't a problem, I also haven't had the opportunity for those four years. I'm not saying i'm an unattractive guy, but it gets to you when after four years you haven't been shot a second glance when your friends are getting relationships left and right. I'm extremely introverted, so it's less about having something like that and much more about the loneliness.
Any job i've ever had i've only held on to for a couple months before I was forced to quit due to my hours being slashed harshly, or just flat out told I wasn't good enough to keep the job. Keep in mind this was all minimum-wage work. I've tried getting jobs to bring a change to my life, and i've tried to see if I can go to school. I can't do either. My family's very tight on money so they can't put me through school, and I don't expect them to. I can't take out student loans because I would have no way to pay them back; sure, I could get a degree, but all it would stand for is something to hang on my wall. My work history is completely embarrassing, and if I did get hired with a degree, I wouldn't be up to par with the work.
All i've ever really known in my life is failure. I've never had the capacity or ability for success. Every job i've ever had was the sort of job where you work quickly and don't care about details, and having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) makes me stuck in the spot that I absolutely can not go about working a job that way. The longest i've kept a job is about six months. The few job openings i've found either take one look at my work history and toss my resume and application in the garbage and tell me they'll call me, or the once in a blue moon I actually do get hired, I lose the job within months (and earn the aggravation of my co-workers and employer within the first or second month). I've been treated like absolute trash by every employer i've had, and often cursed out and screamed at. My 36-year old previous assistant manager at a place I worked actually said to my face he wanted to take me outside and knock my teeth out.
My family treats me like a financial, emotional, and physical burden. I'm almost positive I have several medical issues that have yet to be checked out, even though i've been complaining about them close to a year. Among these are severe depression, OCD (which I know I have), and physical medical problems i'd rather not talk about. All of these go ignored. Whenever something bad happens in my home, I get yelled at one way or another. The part that gets to me is that i've gone from arguing about any of it to just plain accepting it, because my entire life's events are comprised of the same exact thing.
Overall, i'm not happy about anything in my life. I already am concrete in the feeling and notion that my life will never go anywhere, and that only some people are fit to live the lives they've been given. I'm obviously not one of them it seems like, so I find the most difficult part of my day is getting out of bed. I'm not skilled enough to hold a job, I can't afford college, so all I can really do is nothing. I've never thought about suicide so that's not an issue, but the thought of leeching off of my parents for years to come makes me sick.
What do I do? Can anyone give me some advice? Do I need medical help? I've tried making changes in my life, but every change gets thrown straight back in my face. I'm at a loss of what to do.