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Hello everyone I'm new here. I'm looking for some peace....Here's my situation..
My father has always been a very toxic person as long as I've known him. He has a laundry list of people he hates, most of which are family. He belittles, constantly full of sarcasm, does things (he calls it helping) w/ false pretenses, blames everyone else,jealous,critcizes, spins what you say, mocks, right all the time, condesending. He's not a loving father and not at all a loving grandfather to my children.
My father also has had "projects". Which consist of buying entire homes, fixing them and selling them. When a project is underway my husband is expected to help. But, there is never a phonecall placed so he can plan for it. All there is is disdain for my husband b/c he doesnt "help". My mother has actaully told me I will be punished for my husband not helping him. Needless to say I am treated badly as well. My husband works long weeks, we have 3 kids, our own things going on. He should not be expected to work weekends too. Let me add...if my dad actually did call and make plans with him..he's be right there.
Several painful and hurtful events took place since then (too long to mention) that have led me to make the decision I have made. I no longer wish to have a relationship with him. My mom, sister and brother have told me to "let it roll off" and "I'm too sensitive" and "dont worry about it". But I'm physically sick and anxious when I'm around him..I knew what was happening to me was wrong. I know I'm really rocking the boat here, b/c NO ONE has ever stood up to him. My mom, sister and brother hardly talk at ALL about it. It's as if nothing happened. It's been 6 months now and I did go over my mom and dads house to try and talk (my mom pushed me into doing it) My familiy was completely shot down. He said horrible things about my family. NONE of which are true.
I am in counseling and it is really helping. My husband and I have a great relationship and I have a really great supprt system in place for days I need help. I still feel like I have a broken spirit. And I dont fully trust my mom and sister. My brother undertstands, even though we dont talk about it. He's divorced and feels my dad was about 50% responsible for it. He relies on anti-anxiety medication to get thru the day ( 3 kinds). Any words of encouragement or additional support would really help.
You need to do what is best in your life and don't worry about how they take it.
IF they want to talk reasonably then tell them you are more than willing to be there and even help but you should not be belittled when you go out of your way to do so.
People like that are toxic, if you allow them to be.
I bet you have always went to great lengths for him to understand your reasoning, because you want him to understand and not be mad at you.
He does not want to understand or isn't capable of understanding, he wants to control everyone and every situation around him. He will go to whatever means to do it and if you don't see it his way then you are crap. You have probably spent all of your life trying to make him happy, Not possible so stop trying.
Learn to be content in your truth, afterall that is truly all that matters. When we lay down by ourselves at night, when all is quiet and we reflect on our day, be at peace with the choices that you made. Don't let him tell you what your intentions were/are and don't argue what good will it do?
I decide in my life what is right or wrong, what I need to do or what I don't need to do, and what my intentions are. I know me , I know what is in my heart. That is all I need.
Live your life for yourself doing what makes you happy and what is right as a human being. Get over the guilt of not being able to please him.
Heres a poem that I would like for you to read. I hope it helps you. You deserve to be at peace.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
thank you both, that is exactly it. I can and never have been able to do anything right. I have constantly searched for approval and never received it. He does have to control everything. Always has the last word. I dont know why my mom stays with him. He hates her entire family. Only in last few years he has decided he would not have a problem with my mother's parents so she now has an easier time seeing them. But he would tell me that he only does it so she can see how stupid they really are and to free himself of guilt if they passed away. I only in the last 6 yrs or so have renewed my relationship with my grandparents. I was estranged from them for most of my teen age yrs and young adult life.
My dad has disabled my brother so badly that he is uncapable of making any decsions on his own. The car he owns and the home he lives in now (post divorce) is possible b/c of my dad. Which wouldnt be a bad thing if it wasnt held over your head. But my dad lets him think he is his only source of help.
The cruel things he has said about my family just haunts me. I'm trying to let it go. It's alot of verbal abuse. I confronted him about why he talked to me the way he does and he said I deserve it. I dont deserve any of it.
There is no reason to let your father make you sick. I didn't notice whether you are in a small town, but if you are, move away. After a while, you may consider writing him a letter to open a dialogue about why you and your family have taken the steps you felt are necessary.
I will definately read up on co-dependency. Not sure my brother, sister or mom will though. I wish it didnt hurt as bad as it does. I dont live in a small town, it's pretty big. We can totally avoid him. Which is good. But I am considering moving.
Well even if your brother won't check into co-dependency if you understand it better then you can explain better ways to related and deal with your dad to him. It sounds like he needs it because if it is affecting his life that bad then he most likely has some serious co dependent issues.
None of them will even admit there is a problem. All I evr hear is "oh thats just his personality" or"you know your dad" My sister had the nerve to ask me the other day if I would at least keep my realtionship with him. How can I after what he said to me and my husband is not welcome in their home??????
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