So the he issue is that for years and years I was bullied…or verbally abused more like. At some point in my youth someone came up with a not so nice name which rimes with my name and the rest is history as they say. First it was just that name but it became more. I was blamed for things I didn’t do.. Attacked on the way I looked, spoke, the people I hung out with…everything became a point of argument. Everything I said was taken the wrong way. And that was at school. I come home and my mother also has things to say. I smell, I have no manners..She plays dead which is a very cruel joke to play on a small child.. in other words..the one person you want there to be there for you wasn’t..Instead she made it even harder to deal with these kids at school.

One day, it’d had enough for real..I threw a hockey ball in someone’s direction and it accidentally hit their temple! This was not my intention but considering the hardship they’d put me through..I was a bit pleased. Everybody shouted at me..the trainer told me to get lost and not come back..I went home crying my eyeballs out..Didn’t want to go back to school ever again..and my mum..she hears what I did and instead of listening to me and comforting me and more importantly, taking my side, tells me I should call up this girl and apologise!! She stands there waiting for me to pick up the phone and call her. She embarrasses me even more than I already felt. This is what my mom id. She had no idea. She was more preoccupied with what their neighbours would think than with my pain.

And it goes on. On a weekly basis she tells me I smell, I have no table manners or manners of any sort really. Apart from that she feels I am not really the daughter she would have wanted because I do not see eye to eye on fashion or anything like that. She wonders why I am so aggressive towards her. Well, looking back at it now I was probably really angry with her..she took someone else/s side, she didn’t care. She went to work and left me to stay with a gild in the street who was part of a gang who bullied me. Everyone was in on it..The whole street, even parents told me I wasn’t good enough, from another class.
That was primary school. I then went to secondary school and chose to go to the school where all my bullies went to. I don’t know why but it seems like a nice school. My parents wanted me to go to another school but like so many other things, they hardly made a stand. They told me once that perhaps I should do something different but didn’t persevere. They let me make another decision I really shouldn’t have made. This is the problem. They didn’t do what was right for me..they stood by whilst I made decisions which were clearly wrong. Do I think they should have intervened? Yes I do actually. I was 11 or 12. What do I know? My brother went to that school so I thought I’d be ok..I don’t know why..I just did. My parents could have made a stand but they didn’t..as they did with nothing. So off I went. I played hockey with my bullies and I want to school with my bullies. Did I mention my choice of music wasn’t good enough either. I played the Oboe for 8 years..all that time my mother asked me why I didn’t play something a bit more mainstream like saxophone…again…it wasn’t good enough…..The more I think about it the more I am surprised I am relatively normal.

All the way to the day I left for England this woman has basically told me my friends weren’t my friends, I wasn’t good enough for anything,. Maybe not in those exact words. You know what she says now? That it doesn’t matter what other people think about me..well, that’s easy to say when you are the one who has been hammering into a child’s head that that child is basically . No wonder I am scared that people I would like to love me will find something bad.. I should be afraid..I have nothing to hide..my intentions are pure and great..but if someone tells you day in day out that what you are or think you are is bad..or not fit for social consumption..then what? Should I just forget about it? Perhaps I should..I wish I could! But this is it..I can’t seem to. It bubbles up..Always when I go home I get sudden attacks of past torments. Like that time I had a breakdown..I am in the car with both my parents and I remember being upset..I don’t know why but you know what my dad says? Anne, its just that your mother and I…well, you’re not the daughter we wanted… you are too aggressive, you don’t behave like a normal girl… you hurt your mother. That’s what they said..they don’t remember this conversation..funny that. But I do. Things like that tend to stick. And now I feel sorry for myself. Haha. I feel sorry for having been brought up by two ed up people who clearly didn’t have a clue.

But the thing is..thats all fine..how am I going to get rid..or at least give a place to 20 years or mental torment? This is the question. There are some many things, little things, that keep coming back..millions of comments, things said to me which I cannot seem to forget and overtime I remember them I fee sorry for myself..why do I have to go through this? Why was I bullied and pestered. And I know it doesn’t solve anything.

So now I am 28 almost 29 . I have had no relationship of note..in fact I have gad not relationships at all with men.. I am scared. I am scared because they may like me on first sight but if they dig deeper they won’t like me anymore. I’m a head case..who wants to be involved with that?

I don’t know how to communicate my feelings because every time I did I was shot down or misunderstood…misunderstood..There’s another thing. People don’t understand me at all! They don’t compute the difference between me outside and me inside. I wish the gap wasn’t so big but that is what a past like this does to you a guess. You develop your outer self for parties and socialising whilst at night in your bed you cry to sleep because it hurts not to be able to be yourself.

I’ve had dates..they left me..I think they didn’t like what they found when I talked. Perhaps its not that at all..and after all, I didn’t like them either…and after a while it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy doesn’t it. They don’t like me..they think I am boring..god knows what else.

Stupidly enough I know I am being irrational…but how do you turn back the clock on so many years of e! People telling you you need to change or you’ll never make friends.. telling you your too this and too that. Am I? am I really that bad? Is it even me? Or is it what has become of me after years and years of outing down and being told it’s all not good enough.

What do I do?? I don’t know what to do to get rid of this? More therapy? Have had 4 years of combine therapy. The last one got somewhere..I cried for days and blamed my parents.. which is great..but it just opened the flood gates..I let it out now rather than keeping it in and giving myself stomach ulcers and headaches….. but what good is that…Now I’m just an emotional wreck.

What I would like is to give all of the above e its place. You know..put in on a shelf and have it there. I am no fool. I know this is not something you can forget and then have a happy life etc .. but it would be nice to say. Hey..this happened…its rubbish but now I am happy, or at least not pre occupied with those feelings anymore. I want to be free of them.

Only thing is…I don’t know how!

deepestdark1980

Thank you all for your responses! I am quite usrprised. I knwo it is not a straight forward question BU I guess that one of my itentions was to just get it out there ... and what d'you know..some good pratical advice has come from it.

I think Jake2008's advice to write it down is soemthing I tried but I never persevered but I will try again.. I guess that if I really want to get over this I need to take the effort and time to do the work needed.
I he's rigth! letting go would be amazingly liberating and this is what I want more than anything.

I am leavign for my parents in less than a week..it is the first time I have seen them in a year so we will see what happens.. Historian Chick makes a good point in saying that I don't have to put up with anything if I don't want to... I suppose I am alwasy hoping that next time thinsg will be different.. but sating that I shoudl go into every situation open minded not expecting the worst.

I hope more people post on here because hearing youir different views gives me ideas and views I might not have thought of before..so cheers all... have a great Xmas and thank you for your advice!

Susitha

Hi

The past pain needs to be healed. In therapy when you heal an issue you must ensure that it is healed, by reliving the memory. If you can re live the memory and feel calm about it, it is healed.

This pain may appear more intense at times and you may forget about it at other times. But it is always inside you. It will effect your self esteem, your relationships and every aspect of your life.

Make a commitment to work on the past issues for the next 3 months and I assure you, you will feel much better.

If you need details on how to do this, let me know

Susitha
Law of Attraction, EFT and The Law of Attraction,Laws of Attraction,abundance and prosperity

KBC

I have looked at my first few posts to you and I need to apologize,I was not correct in jumping your case.

I am very happy to see your new outlook towards this situation though.

The quote above brings this to mind.

The short definition of insanity.

Doing the same things, expecting different results.

In order for the 'next time' to be different something has to change.

You can change what you do,but not what others do.Change has to start at home.

I am a firm believer in setting boundries as they will allow you to see the necessity for change and how to go about doing it.

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

This site has really helped me to not allow others to belittle me,to allowing me to stand my ground and achieve my goals,without compromising what I stand for.

Your stance on the family issues would be easier for you if you set undeniable boundries.Others will see you in a different light and respect you for who and what you are.

I hope you look at that site and continue to reply as the need arises.I know this has helped others who come in here(AMHD) and I am sure it will help you also.

KBC