I have been fascinated by dead and suicide since I was very little. Before I was 8 I had already tried to die several times. I mostly tried by handing myself. But the ropes I chose weren't strong enough or I couldn't tie descend knot. Once I tried to jump out a window but someone pulled me back. I thought allot about it and I fantasized about being tortured, mutilated and killed. I also wanted to be a hiring assassin, I would kill my family (my dad for free) if someone would hire me. I would have been like my job but also my hobby. One time it was night and I was standing by my parents bed with a knife, I wanted to kill my dad. But I didn't he was so big and I so small. Even went he was asleep he looked angry.

I still fantasize about suicide and killing people. Sometimes I have these urges, it itches inside. Then I want to hit, kick, burn, cut, kill who ever is standing close to me or just seeing is enough. I want to kill my family, friends, everybody even my pets. I dream about it I sometime have vision-like experiences about it. Sometimes these urges and itches are so intens that I have to cut my self. When that happens I cut deeper then the other times that I cut myself. I cut pieces out my arm and eat them. Cutting calms me down a little but not enough to make it go away. So then I have to leave the house and stay away for a while, but because it leave without saying anything. They wonder were I am and call the cops.

I've heard voices when there is no one around, I have psychosis, compulsive thinking, schizoaffective disorders and I had alter egos. I have al this for a long time. I am seeing and I have seen a psychiatrist, a therapist and a psychologist. I have tried lots of medication but after a while it always came back. But with the last medication I lost my alter egos. And that made me feel extra bad. I missed them they were there almost al my life. I stopped that stupid medication but it doesn't come back. I still mis them.

Once I went in to a psychosis for a while, I was night I was walking on the streets. I had a knife with me and there was someone, I had pursued her. She noticed and walked faster. I was getting closer I felt her fear it was like it made me stronger. I wasn't thinking "this is bad, it's not right" I was thinking about how I would kill her, cut her, smack her head against the ground, the blood how it would smell. But she got away.
I have cut some kids from my class, not deep but it was bleeding. I hit one with a yardstick really hard.

The strange thing is people still seem to like me. Ok I hear a lot "freak" and "your sick", I don't blame them. There absolutely right.

Actually I already decided that I will do it. But I'm waiting for the end of the school year so that my brother and my sister can get there diploma. Normally I would get mine also this year but that doesn't matter any more. I didn't go to school last week to think and I don't like school. I noticed that there are lots of good and beautiful things in life. I won't deny that. Especially nature, it's full of wonderful things, I love it.
It's just that there is a part of me that wants to destroy, kill.
If I don't do it I think it's will go wrong one day and I won't be able to stop.
It has come very close to going wrong.

My dog he was crazy to he attacked people before looking who it was. We had to let him die. We tried everting we could think of. Lots of (professional) people got involved to save him make him better. But now he's dead.
He is cremated. Before the cremation I could see him again to say goodby. Went I saw him I felt him, he was happy to see supper happy he was nice he was at peace. It was like he jumped up against me. I love him, I love him more then anybody I know.
I hope I will see him again.

My mom tried to kill her self wen she was pregnant of me. I think it was me that made her do that or she made me so obsessed by dead and dieing or something tried to stop me from being born.
My dad already started beating me up since I was an infant, because I cried to mutch. He had hit me on the head.

I wrote al this to ask what do you think? Is there something I'm not seeing? Something crucial I mis? It happened before I sometime have my own world and I don't always realise wen I'm in there.
You can say what you want I won't mind. If you want to say something like "die and rot in hell" I won't blame you.
If you think that I deserve a chance in life but you don't know what to say that might help, don't feel bad about it I don't mind dieing. Wen I think about it I become more relaxed. It's like a part of me is already there. It feels good.

TiddlyWinks

I know how you feel. Ive felt the same way when i tried to kill myself . but i thought about everything id lose if i did. so i didnt end up killing myself. I think you should see how life is and deal with it you cant change it and dont give up maybee your life will change for the better or maybe for the worse. but you have good moments and bad moments be happy with the good ones... enjoy them, and for the bad ones just deal with it... it will go away in a few days, weeks or months. but it will go away someday.
ADVICE I TOOK AND WILL GIVE TO YOU
~ if you care what people think of you, you should stop. I go for school dances and the date that i have is my friend, i dance like an idiot but i dont care what the stupid girls think.
~Dont be shy
~ dont care how you look like. deal with it
~ maybe if you life sucks now, when your like older it will be better. like you hate everything now but you could become famous or get rich someday.

Theres no point in giving up in life...What good will it bring you, you just burn in hell.

live your life to the fullest if it sux or if it rox....its fun anyway.

Tuckerboy3

I think you should talk to some one about your feelings. that way you have someone who will listen and can work through your problems. I think you should find out what you like to do and your hobbies, like nature, and just get involved in stuff like that so you can forget about your problems. find something that will make your life worthwhile to you. i have a horse for example and i would go nuts if i didnt have him. he's like my escape from everything.

METERRE

You know, I don't know what you need, but you do need some type of help. Are you religious? Even if you're not you can seek a priest or anyone who is related to that, if you haven't already. They can provide a great deal of help especially spiritually and emotionally. I'm thinking everyone has the chance at life. Maybe they don't deserve it but they have a chance and it's just there for them to take it. There are countless things you can do if you take the chance life brings you. I'm sure you've already noticed that. Also I think you're left with scars which range from physical to emotional to spiritual to psychological. So you definitely need to do more searching for help if what you have already done hasn't worked. Personally I have had a mini psychosis period in which I had those kinds of thoughts of death and suicide and other things i'm embarrassed to mention, I also have had compulsive thinking but somehow i managed to get over it.
You know what it's not your fault, do not blame yourself, but also do not blame anyone else. Just try to keep moving forward....find things that you love to do even if you have to do them by yourself. One thing I do for myself is that when i feel any type of weird or bad or sad feelings is that i listen to a couple of motivational songs. I know that your problem is a lot more serious than i'm probably depicting, but that's just a little advice.
Well I hope you manage your situation with faith and you do deserve it for yourself not for anyone else.

cal823

good thing you never did scouts.
lol, kidding. serious now, get help, counceling.
you dont want to end up hurting the people you love.
be careful aye, you dont want to hurt yourself, youll regret it. ive got the scars, and trust me, it wasnt a good thing.
God can be such an amazing influence on your life, he can help you so much. I was depressed and cutting, and in worship, the depression just....went away, departed from my life, so suddenly, it still tries to come back, but ive been smiling for weeks now. That voice your hearing? telling you to hurt people? shut it out, or better yet, get rid of it. get councelling, try to think positive, try to change how you think. lose this obsession with death. it helps to stop talking about death, stop talking about killing, just speak positive, and your thinking will come along.
ive noticed that alot of people with alter egos, like a friend i had on the net whos alter was "Werewulf" tend to have alot of thoughts and issues like yours, i think its a sort of coping mechanism or something, or just a manifestation of your emotions and feelings.

and there is something your not seeing.
\your not seeing how good life is
your not seeing how bad it is to be dead
your not seeing the fact that pain is your bodies way of saying NO!
your not seeing the good in yourself.
try venting these feelingsin a different way, like poetry, art., music

LettuceBFrank

Get some help!!! Since you have already seen a psychiatrist, you should share with him/her that your fantasies still exist. I'm thinking that a med eval is a bit in order, don't you?

There is nothing worse than a person that can potentially do harm to others not seeking help just because the "others" think that person (or sociopath) can be helped. If you are not looking for your prey, seek help...

yaleoxford2nd

B-4 U READ THIS PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT SOME OF US ARE ACCIDENTALLY ARE HERE BECAUSE OUR PARENTS WERE USING CONDOMS- PLEASE READ ALL OF THIS I HOPE IT WILL HELP YOU ALOT!!!

I wrote this b/c one of my best friends called me today and she wanted to kill herself over something stupid and I hope she doesn't but I want to help alot of people out there b-4 it happens to someone else!!!

People say live life to the fullest. But seriously... what is the fullest? Theres alot you can do with obeying the law, and or getting into trouble! And theres not a whole lot you can do with out getting hurt. When I say hurt I mean emotionaly, physically, and mentally. You can get hurt in your own home. So the phrase "Live life to the fullest" means what? For some people they get over being hurt/abused by talking to someone they confide in or they trust. Others deal with it on their own and it makes them "Stronger" than the others (and I agree with this.) Which brings me to what other people do to get over their struggles and issues in life. And that brings me to why do people kill themselves? Is it because they're scared, hurt, tired of the pain, Don't know how to deal with their problems, tired of all the ed up things in this world, and MANY OF OTHER THINGS? Well I can say this, if we all would kill ourselves then there would be no people which means there would be no more world. So they turn to one way... Suicide. People live the best of lives ever, but also people live the most ed up lives ever. Most of the time its by choice but sum of the time its not by choice. I will admit, a few situations there are reasons for people to kill themselves, like being hostige, or getting raped constintly and no one believes you (MORE BUT GOOD REASONS!!). These few situations are bad and I wouldn't want to be in them and doubt anyone else does so I can see killing yourself. But others wanting to kill themselves because a girl/guy broke up with him/her, or something stupid like that... no reason!! I have lived a horrible life but really I dealt with it on my own and if I can you can too!! Killing yourself is a way out, a way out of life. But its also a easy and CHEAP way out of life and problems. Killing yourself shows how weak you are, how fed up you are, how irritated you are, all of these, AND MANY MANY MORE. But I don't know what else to say about this anymore just wish all good luck and remember stick it out and don't give up UNLESS ITS REALLY LIFE AND DEATH!!
thanks for reading
Rabecca S.

cal823

never give up. never surrender to adversity, never give in to the voices. be strong for your family, be strong for yourself, be strong for your future wife and kids! be strong for your friends, and the people that will need you!
you have a responsibility to do that.

xAjikanx

Honestly, seek some help for this. As much as death fascinates you I don't think its the best idea to go and kill your self. I wanted to just so I can see if there is life after death but I thought that was dumb of me. Think of how much you would be missing out on in life and also your family. If your not seeing a doctor about this then you should go . The scitzo issue is weird because my old bf had that and you would see a new personality, and new voice from him. I think maybe its your Scitzo kicking in when you have urges to kill your self. You do need help, but if you chose not to get any, talk to close friends.

Also another thing, is something in life bother you to make you want to be in your own world? Are you hurt by something so bad that it made you feel like this for a long time?
I hope things for you clear up.

always_hot

I think you fit the profile of a potential serial killer. I think you need to be commited in a mental institution so that you don't harm yourself or others. If you google how to profile a serial killer you will see what I mean. I hope that you can get help so you can live a normal life and not hurt your self or others. I will say this though and some people may not agree but this is my opinon, If you know you are going to tourture and kill people and can't stop then I dont see why taking your self out of this world is a problem. We don't need any more Jeffrey Domers in the world.