Is it ever possible to have a loving relationship with a person who has Asperger's Syndrome. He is kind, and in his way shows a kind of love. There is definite chemistry but is as if his feelings are "locked away" is either scared of them or does not know how to react to them.

He seems really unhappy sometimes and I believe that too much emotion can bring on depression. I also feel that he will only ever cope with friendship and relationships "on his terms", unless you explain exactly how you feel about everything.

He seems sometimes to be able to interpret emtional issues in a film or play but not in reality. I feel so much for him but I do not want to get hurt all the time by him (because he seems to have no idea how to try communicate his feelings even if it is just to say that he does not want this "friendship" to go anywhere) but I would love to know what I could do to possibly help us both.

My friends believe that there is a possibility that he is just extremly selfish and is only interested in himself and anything he does is to enhance his own image and he is not really interested in others. There is part of me that sees a side of him that is not very happy but he has no idea what real happiness is. He travels a great deal and you feel that he is desperately looking for something but he does not know what it is.

All this seems strange I am sure but can you suggest any way I could help to make him happy. As I said, it is as if his feelings and very deep emotions cannot get out and he ends up running away. If I then conntact him it is as if he is relieved and the cycle starts again.

At first he used anger as an excuse to cover up his inability to communicate feelings, but he does not do that any longer . Lastly it is as if that unless he is seen as perfect he cannot possibly be loved by me although I think that is slowly improving and understands that friendships possibly turn to relationships because no one has to be perfect in the eyes of someone who loves them but it is hard work always having to tread on egg shells and not to allow anything I say sound like critism (which it never is). We are both highly intelligent (not meant to be conceited but just to explain) but I am always frightenned to let him know that I am discussing anythng on the same level as him and that I have too much of a mind of my own.

I would love to understand, him please help.

isabelle

People with Asperger's Syndrome can lead a fairly normal life ( whatever normal is) but it is a hard relationship to keep going. You have to almost become a caretaker as far as emotions go.
These people can not interact socially they way we would like to.
They mostly haver normal I.Q.s, but have a hard time holding down any kind of a job.
There have the obsessive-compusive actions that go on and on.
I would not say you could never have a normal life with an Asperger's patient, but it would be hard.

echosounder

Isabelle,

The job point of view is not him. He is a very high flyer and has no problem with work at all becuse he is so almost obsessively focused.

J_9

Echo, It is very hard to have a "normal" relationship with someone who has Aspergers as it is a form of Autism. You see, they are very self-focused and do not understand how to interpret, much less express, emotions.

It will be hard to make him happy as he most likely does not even know if he is happy.

Your friends believe that he is selfish, well that is really an understatement with Aspergers. As I stated above people with Aspergers are very self-focued, not really selfish per se, but they only think about themselves and cannot fathom understanding anyone else's feelings, they just don't understand how to do that.

To make it easier for the lay person to understand, a person with Asperger's is a high-functioning Autistic person. It is a mental disorder with no known causes.

There is nothing you really can do for him, but be his friend. He will always have obsticals that he must overcome and that is very hard for him.

Just be his friend, if you get any more out of it, you are lucky, but please don't try to make him into something he is not.

templelane

I was friends with a boy with asperser’s- his dad had it as well and was married when they had their son. So it does show it can work. However his mother had to leave his father in the end and I believe it was down to the pressure of his condition- but I couldn’t say for sure as I wasn’t there. So kind of a two sided story there - it obviously worked for a while - maybe the divorce was down to something else.

Random story I know but your post made me think of it- you’re smart so take what you want from it. Personally (based on the person I knew- but everyone is different I know) I wouldn't try and make it a romantic relationship, but these kinds of things are spectrums and I don't know where your friend sits. Keep in mind- it'll probably be you who will end up the most emotionally hurt – and would it be worth risking your friendship?

echosounder

templelane and J_9, I found it almost impossible to learn to read but with a great deal of help and effort, because I wanted to learn, I ended up at one of UK's best universities with a 2:1 degree. I believe , any intelligent person who wants to learn to have friends love and happiness can, it depends how much someone wants them. I believe this person does and I just want to know where to start.

As a dyslexic person has to find different pathways in their brain to learn to read so an Aspergic person has to find other pathways to let emotions "free". I still find it difficult to write and think at the same time and I am sure an aspergic person will always have their limitations but to just give up and say it is impossible for them to change and learn what happiness and love are is being very unfare on them and depriving them of something in life eveyone should have "access" to.

J_9

I am sorry you disagreed with my answer. My answer came from not only from my formal education but from experience with people who have Aspergers Syndrome. So you see it came not only from theory but from experience.


I have to respectfully disagree with you here, dyslexia and Aspergers are two totally different entities. Dyslexia is a learning disability, whereas Aspergers Syndrome is a mental illness.

Good luck to you, I wish you no heartache in pursuing this relationship that is likely to cause you more pain that it is him.

I respectfully unsuscribe from this thread as my education and experience apparently do not count for much. Again, good luck to you.

echosounder

I too respectfully answer, I have researched in the past few days a great deal about Asperger's syndrome and the one thing that has been emphasised in every research paper I have read. It is not a mental illness but a different "wiring" of the brain. There are different degrees of severity and I have now, fortunately, found someone who is helping with the question I asked.
The first thing for us both to understand is our differences and to respect and accept them. That has been a good start and we are working from there. I think just to dismiss all people with Asperger's as one impossible problem is like saying that everyone who is Neurotypical has the same personality and loves and "connects" to the same degree without ever accepting that experiences in life can change those ways of reacting to and expressing emotions.

isabelle

echosounder.... You have been given very good advice on this board.
I am glad you found someone to agree with you and will tell you what you want to hear, but that is wrong.
However the truth has been told on this board and I am sorry you can not accept it.
Good luck in your quest, and I hope you are not too badly hurt.
Sadly, one day you will have to accept this advice.
I think these good people were only trying to keep you from being hurt. You can not change medical facts.

J_9

I would like to introduce her to a local preacher and his wife. They have 3 children. The oldest, an only girl, is a genius, she is a member of Mensa and graduated high school at age 14 and had her Masters Degree in psychology by age 17.

Then they have a second child, a son. The son is profoundly Autistic, he will never function in society and has a hard time functioning even in his own home.

Their third child, also a son, is high functioning Asperger's. Please note that I said HIGH FUNCTIONING. They are currently attempting to mainstream him into the local middle school, but it is not working out very well.

Thank you to Isabelle, who understands that we are trying to help with the facts.

And to you Echo, I will try and locate the Bastin's website for the accurate Asperger's edcuation and information you seem to be missing. These people are members of my local community and the father is a pastor at a local church. They do motovational speaking to crowds of people who have Asperger's and/or Autistic friends/family. The speak for psychology and psychiatry classes at local as well as distant universities.