Here's my situation:

I've been married to a man whom I love very deeply, but who makes me crazy with his infantile behavior when it comes to sex. This past three weeks are a prime example of this.....

On December 22nd, I drove to the college our son attends (some 200 miles one way from home) and brought our son home for the break between the fall and spring semesters. Because I have a bulge in a disc between two vertebrae in my lower back, the long ride caused muscle spasms down my left leg - and because of the extreme pain this often causes, my husband wasn't able to get to orgasm before pain prevented me from having to stop when we tried to make love for the better part of the next week. (This is a fairly new condition in our marriage, as I messed my back up only 9 years ago and we've been together as a couple for 26 years.) He got frustrated by my inability to allow him to shoot off and pouted over it until he ed to a friend of his about it (within my hearing even tho' hubby thought it was too noisy at the Christmas Party for me to overhear) - and was told to stop being an , as he was lucky I was even attempting to make love when I was in pain. (I gamely try to satisfy him because if I turn him down flat out, he pouts even worse and takes it out - verbally - on EVERYONE around him instead of just me.)

Then there are the nights when we were up well past midnight (I'm awake every morning at 5 am whether I want to be or not, as that's when the cat and dog wake me up to give them breakfast) and he was upset because I fell asleep on him before we got to the lovemaking. It never helps to point out to him that, although he technically was awakened by the animals at the same time I was, he stayed in bed for a full hour after I got up (because I woke him up when I brought him his coffee) and took a nap when he got home from work while I made dinner. He just goes on the defense about his "right" to take a nap because his job is MUCH harder than mine (physically yes, mentally no) and doesn't get the point that I never got the chance to take a nap myself, so therefore I've been up longer hours and am therefore totally exhausted and unable to stay awake any longer.

In short, I'm frustrated myself by the attitude he cops when he's frustrated. It's as if I'm intentionally making my leg go into muscle spasms (which he can feel) and I'm intentionally falling asleep sitting up (at which point he has trouble waking me back up to get me to lie down) in order to make sure he doesn't get the sex he wants. And try to get him to admit that there are physical issues I have no control over?? He admits he knows the problems exist, but by God, I SHOULD be able to CONTROL myself!!!!!

Please don't just suggest counseling, as I've talked marriage counselor 'til I'm blue in the face, but he won't go. I've been talking to a counselor who I work with who tells me that I've come to grips with my physical limitations, but he needs to come to grips with it as well or we'll keep having this issue.

Any suggestions short of taping his behavior and making him see that he really needs the help a counselor could give him?

talaniman

I understand back pain, its a life changing injury. Driving for me is all but impossible, and being a passenger is really not much better. Your husbands reaction is very immature but I can understand the frustration. I've had my condition quite a while, so we have had chance to talk about it and experiment with various positions and time to make love and techniques, but the bottom line is more openness to communication. After 26 years it would seem like you two could talk about anything, and work something out where you both can get satisfaction. I had to learn not to use my limitations as an excuse for denying my partner the attention that she requires to be happy. All the counseling in the world will not stop the frustration a partner can feel when a partner is not there for an important aspect in life. You say nothing about meeting your own needs so I suspect the thrill is much less for you, or maybe your attitude has changed a bit because of injury, age, or just being tired, or angry, or all of the above. First I would have to talk to him and let him know how bad you feel that you can't physically do what you did in the good old days, just so he knows You understand HIS frustration and seek his suggestion on coming up with a plan that can benefit both of you. As I said before there are techniques, and positions for people in our predicament and neither of you has to be frustrated or denied pleasure. Just curious, do you ever initiate, or use prolonged foreplay? Look into exploring these suggestions, and alternatives and since he won't go to counseling then use what you know from experience to help him understand where your coming from by sympathising where he is coming from. It can be done, COMMUNICATE, not argue.

Fr_Chuck

First you and he needs good marriage couseling, ( and don't say it won't help since somecouples because of medical issues can't have sex at all for years if ever) and with your back trouble he needs to be doing more work around the house, take turns doing things at least.. You are, or he has convinced you you are at fault somehow.

Make it real easy tell him if he ever wants sex he will have to try and do it on some of your terms, Next of course there are various methods to help him get his sexual release beyond standard sex.

tommy and patti

I'm sure your back does hurt and that is validated however he may feel like you use it as an excuse if your not proactive in coming up with a solution that would be fair to both of you. If you recognize his concerns and basic boyhood needs (they are all like that, not just him) then maybe he wont pout so much. I also would suggest reading Dr. Phills, Relationship Rescue because it sounds like there is more to it than just your back. Especially since he speaks about it to his friends when you are right there. Respect for one another is lacking and you guys can regain that without an expensive therapist. There are so many self help methods and it is a great eye opener to read about. We as women are usually or more frequently able to put what we learn from reading or talking to someone into play.
He needs you and you need him. Don't give up because a good relationship doesn't just happen. It's work and constant consideration of your spouse. Don't get caught in the married but living like brother and sister syndrome.
It's worth the effort, I promise,
Good Luck

talaniman

Counseling is recommended, but if one partner won't go then alternatives must be considered, since you went then you already know the manner that you approach things makes a difference, but stay away from ultimatums, or threats to control some ones behavior as this can backfire and cause the lines of communications to be closed. Sometimes a gentle nudging is needed or find what works for you and try to suggest he join you. We read the Joy of Sex way back in the day, and experimented with the position and I am glad to say can give pleasure without having pain and discomfort. Sex is best started in the mind as a sweet thoughtful partner can turn a mate on and keep them that way in various forms of intimacy for quite a while. Why do I keep having thoughts that this just isn't about sex?

truthtrumpsall

ALthough I agree with most of what you said, this shocked me; "If you recognize his concerns and basic boyhood needs (they are all like that, not just him)" basic boyhood needs, what her basic girlhood needs, how about some oral sex for her. I'm not saying she shouldn't give to him, because sex is great and it's even better when you get to do it with someone you trust, love and respect. Her husband needs to chill out for real. She needs to be focused on managing her pain, then on some new positions, although, they have been married for 26 years, so I'm sure they have tried many different things, seeing as how they have been dealing with this for 9 years. Also, I have a man that is very very supportive and understanding of my physical limits and yes, I try to get him off in anyway I can, but it's been 10 years of this and he's AMAZING and when her read your post, HE was the one more shocked than I was about the "boyhood needs".

Like I said, I think you obviously know how to have a happy relationship and you had MANY wonderful things to say. I want you to know I'm not knocking you, but I, as a woman who is no prude and loves to have sex(actually, I want it waaaaay more than my man) I was a little putoff and also really made me think about women who think that way... it's not that "all" men are like that, because they aren't, and if you look at her husbands sex drive as a man thing, I wonder what yours is like, meaning, I'm a woman, but seemingly by your definition of what a man needs, I'd be the man in my relationship...and that's just not true. Just my thoughts, thanks for taking the time to read this.

tiggerella

Thanks for all the great thoughts (as always) from all of you, but it sounds like most of you are of his opinion - that our relationship issues can all be fixed if I try hard enough. But doesn't it take two to tango?

Yes, truthtrumpsall, I like the sex, too - and am just as frustrated as he is when my back causes the muscle spasms. I try to not let him see how much pain I'm in, but out of every 100 attempts at making love, I only get to find satisfaction about 10 times to his 75 - but he treats me as if my leg is doing the move I've dubbed "the hoppy toad" because I want it to, like the equivalent of the old "not tonight - I have a headache". (It's totally involuntary - from nerve damage - and I have no control at all over it.)

FYI, I tried speaking to him the night I posted after coming in here, but now, in addition to PURPOSEFULLY causing my muscles to spasm, I'm also responsible for his pickup truck not being repaired (I put $1500 into a separate account for him to fix it in March - which would have put it back on the road, but he spent $700 on a kayak because he'd broken his wrist in February and insisted that he couldn't repair the truck himself right away. I never found out where the other $800 went - or the money he made on repairing furnaces that he put into the bank all spring, summer and fall. I saw the statement in September - and he had $15 in the account!) I'm also responsible for the idiot at his workplace who smokes marijuana and can't keep track of where she sent him last, the boss who refuses to do anything about said idiot, and the plate that now has to come out of the wrist he broke last year..........

In short, although I'm trying to get him to talk out his frustrations and come to grip with reality, he's too busy blaming me for everything wrong in his life right now to realize that he's blaming me - as well as our 21 year old son and 16 year old daughter - for things we have no control over.

Once again - any suggestions short of hog-tying him and hauling him in to the "Dr Phils"???

sjethro00

By what you said, it seems like you have sex on a semi-regular basis; most couples who have been together that long may only have sex a couple times a year, if not at all.

I think his attitude may stem from that he in a sense has been spoiled compared to most other marriages in the sex department, and is in fear its going away. He could have general fear, because he feels that sex is holding the marriage together, as many marriages desolve due to lack of sex.

talaniman

I suspected the sex had little to do with this frustration, because its usually deeper things that affect the sex life. Since he won't go to counseling may I suggest a separation for a while to let him think about how much his life will change with out his wife and family. You need the break to reassess a few things your self. Give it some thought. There are a lot of trust issues to deal and the communication level is much to low to accomplish anything without an impartial third party to help. I can only suggest time and separation.

phillysteakandcheese

It's one thing to deal with different levels of sexual desire, quite another to deal with a fellow that blames you for everyting wrong in his life.

Clearly - this is not just about a lack of sex.

Your husband sounds like he is a miserable, bitter, old man....
That doesn't sound sexy to me...

I agree with Talaniman... A seperation is likely in order...