Hi, I have aproblem. First of all I am very shy and I feel very uncomfortable with strangers.And also I can't say NO to others, because I am afraid to hurt someone with my answer.But I really want to be stronger.
Help me please with my problems.

talaniman

Hi Candy, you came to the right place for answers so welcome. Let you in on a secret , I'm shy too and strangers make me very uncomfortable. So get to know them and then they won't be strangers. Look them in the eye and say hello! As for being able to say NO! Look in the mirror and tell the person you see I LOVE YOU AND WILL PROTECT YOU! Put yourself first and when people ask you things to do for them and your not to eager for whatever reason you have ,just say NO, to protect that person in the mirror. ITS no secret to be stronger, just put yourself first and do what you need, to protect and love yourself. People will understand ,if they don't, what are they gonna do about it...hope I helped, now excuse me a guy in the mirror is calling!!!

valinors_sorrow

Fear of strangers and saying yes to everything asked of you can be about seeking approval. And that is all about how you see you. Look inside and notice how you tend to doubt that you are a likable person. Until you change that habit, you will be seeking approval outside of you.

Here is one way to change that habit: make a list of all the things likable about you today (and you have to do this since you cannot say no LOL). Read it every morning for the next seven days while you are eating breakfast and add one more thing to the list each day. At the end of seven days, pick the top three things that are likable about you. Make and hang a sign on your bathroom mirror that says the following:

What I focus on grows . . . .
. . . . . so I choose to focus on the following items:
1.________________________________
2.________________________________
3.________________________________

In two weeks from today, post a message to this thread telling us how you are coming along with being shy. Be truthful, if is works fine and if it doesn't work, tell us that too. Good luck!

Krs

I agree with both posts above, very good advice!

I think we all have a little bit of shyness in all of us. The trick is to work how to over come it and be more of a confident person.

I used to be rather shy, and i always used to say, when speakin to strangers "maybe they are abit shy too".

Val states great points about seeking approval.

aqua@home

You have some great advice so far.

I can completely relate. I know exactly what you are talking about. I think you have to tell yourself that you are important. If I look at the times in my life I have been my strongest, it is usually when my children are involved. I have been called "a bear" when it comes to my kids. I have to learn to put myself in the same category as my kids. I think you do too. It helped me to realize that people don't know you are shy, or nervous, or whatever. They only see what you let them. I have heard people stand up to talk and say how nervous they are, but no one would know if they hadn't said that. Stand up tall, look people in the eyes, and say whatever you want with confidence.

I know writing on the computer is so simple. No one can judge you because of your looks, how clean your house is or anything like that. Try a little at a time. It helped me to realize that nothing is personal. I never wanted to hurt other people's feelings and have been hurt many times in the past because of it. IT'S NOT PERSONAL. Take care.

BTW...if you don't like what I've said, I won't take it personally. LOL

pennybot

most people worth the trouble would admire you if you know when to stand your ground and say "no". Some will later come to respect you because they lacked what you didn't.
If they decide they hate you for it, they can't respect your boundaries and probably prefer unhealthy relationships around them. They aren't good value imo.
Never be afraid that someone "won't like you".
Living with that, and liking yourself anyways, that's where your strength will be.

Cassie

You have gotten some good advice. You will not hurt others if you say no, that is just a thought of yours, not the truth. Most will respect you when you say no. The ones that do not, are not someone you want in your life.

Being shy is difficult for a lot of people. This is something you might try. Pick out a person that works someplace that you frequent often, say a coffee shop, your bank, clothing store, etc, that seems pleasant and receptive. When you go there and they are not busy, strike up a conversation with her/him. A little small talk but more than you would usually say. Look right at them, smile, say something nice, I like your shirt. Wow, did it rain last night. Just anything. Do it if you are in line at a store. Little things, and each time it will get easier. A nice easy smile can open doors. A deaf girl would come to a place I worked and one day she stayed and started writing to me, we wrote for a few minutes and she asked if I would have lunch with her one day. I said I would love to. We became good friends, lunches often. She told me her counselor had told her to do that to help her with her shyness. I was thrilled she had picked me. She moved and a couple of years later I saw her in a store and she was so excited and hugged me and introduced me to her husband. Her husband said she told him of me, how that first day was a big step for her, but it worked.
Most shy people are such beautiful caring people inside, I just know you are, so let that beauty shine thru in a loving smile. There is nothing better.

jurplesman

Shyness can be a real problem to people. Sometimes the best of advice can not help, because sometimes there is a physical component to shyness that has to do with hypoglycemia. This metabolic disorder can throw your emotions out of kilter and will overwhelm you, making you think that there is something wrong with you.

Thus study this and if you think you may have this illness, you can treat it with the Hypoglycemic Diet.

However a severe negative self-image that is not physiological based can be overcome with a three months training program that has been explained at our web site and in my book. It is often difficult to "reason" yourself out of a negative self-image, because self-talk is often beyond logic and rationality.

It is a program based on analysis of the self-image, how it is created in our mind, and how we can get rid of it by means of mental exercises and mental "role playing". This also includes advice on how to say "No', and about manipulation.

It is followed by an Assertiveness Training Program that shows you how you can deal with criticism. There is also a Communication and Counselling Course that will help with establishing emotional relationships with other people. Please go to

Self-Help Psychotherapy Course

AND it is all free of charge and does not cost a cent.

Have fun doing the course.

alanalov

Give yourself a challange, a goal
Overcome your fear, your shyness, and you'll come out as more confident