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I am 22 years old. I have attempted suicide twice. I have been through multiple therapists, pyschologists, and psychiatrists. I have been on dozens of different medications. I dropped out of all treatment when they wanted to continue with shock therapy. My last therapist called my mother to drop me. She said she couldn't handle me. Sometimes, I feel that I lack the mechanism that most people have that allows them to get over things and move on. I stay in my house all day and avoid contact with people whenever possible. I haven't even been able to hold down any job for more than a few months. I feel an impending sense of doom. Everything and everyone I come across I destroy. I hate people for no real reason. I hate myself. I feel that everything has been snowballing for years. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel I have no self-identifying characteristics. I was raped and molested repeatedly throughout my childhood. I repressed those memories until adolesence. When they surfaced, it became a catalyst for self-destruction. It was so unexpected, I felt as if I had betrayed myself. I turned to drugs, and for years led a hazy memoried life riddled with highs and lows. When I quit drugs I became suicidal. I have done nothing with myself as far as an education or career, and honestly can't even fathom functioning in public. I feel spent. I don't even have the energy to save myself if I knew how. I have bouts of anger that drive away the only people left in my life. I feel it getting worse all the while. I don't believe in God. I don't believe in anything. My question is what do you do when you hit rock bottom. Why live just to cry yourself to sleep and then have nightmares of being raped over and over. Why wake up just to take sleeping pills and go straight back to sleep. Why cry. Does anything help. Are there any answers. I'm out of hope.
by a thread, jennifer.
I can sympathize, in part, with what you're going through. I have tried suicide also, and drink, and drugs. Somethings have no impact or make no difference to how you feel.
All I can say is, hang in there. Things will pass and get better.
I lived by myself at the worst point of my depression. I was fortunate that I had friends who wouldn't give up on me.
Sometimes it is easier to write things down to an annonymous person than it is to say them out loud. When you speak the words, they become real and can have a powerful impact over you. Use this board to say what's on your mind. We have many expert moderators who can give advice.
Don't give up. Help is out there. You have to meet it half way for it to start to help.
Take heart from the fact that you have written something here. This shows you are aware of what is happening and want to do something about it.
I think you have been given some good advice here already. I do have some questions for you-
How much do you trust these repressed memories? What made them come out later, and was there a trustworthy person who could corroborate them (to an extent)? Have you heard about the controversy related to repressed memories that has been going on for decades?
I am not doubting your word or your memories, so don't take my questions the wrong way. These memories are robbing you of a quality life and intruding on your relationships, so they better be 100% true and trustworthy if they are going to be that big a part of your life, right? At some point you have to stop punishing yourself and the people who care about you. There are people who can help you get through your pain even if you can't forget it again. Reach out to those who can help you so you can move on with your life. Also, the ECT is known to be effective for some people- it's not like "one Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" anymore.
You say that you don't believe in anything, but if not, why did you quit drugs... why did you post here? I believe you DO care about yourself, you just don't know how when you are so overwhelmed in sadness. Sweetie, there really IS hope. You just have to find the right tools. The trouble is, when a person is depressed, it is very difficult to motivate them enough to help them move past the depression. Therapists often give up on people suffering from depression because they themselves start feeling that there is no hope. This is usually because they are always looking for answers to stop the depression.
I think you need to explore the depression. Sounds weird, huh? Look, my 16 year old adopted daughter suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder due to severe abuse (including sexual) and neglect the first 4 years of her life. I understand, I really do.
I want you to try to find someone who is very knowledgeable in attachment disorders. They will probably be very familiar in dealing with sexual abuse, too. They will help you!!! You are probably thinking, "Yeah, right... another therapist. If all the ones I've had so far don't work, how will this one?" The reason is because all of your other therapists have probably been treating you for DEPRESSION!!! The treatment protocols for attachment disorders are very, very different that the treatment for depression.
Please, please, please try this. It may take a lot of time and hard work, but I can assure you that the life you want IS attainable. You will learn that you don't have to 'get over' your abuse. You will learn that your anger is a coping mechanism that you developed in order to cope with your abuse, so it becomes the only way you iknow how to deal with a situation in which you find yourself getting close to someone. You will learn your triggers and how to either avoid them or deal with them when they can't be avoided. IT IS POSSIBLE!!!
Jennifer, the thread just became a hope rope. Please grab on. I really care that you try this. I think that it will make a huge difference in your life because I believe you are ready. It will not be easy, it will not be fast. You can count on a minimum of one month of therapy for each year of your age - so 22 months. If you are motivated it can be less... but at least within a year you should be seeing some major differences.
I hope you take my advice. I have a strong feeling that it will work if you can just motivate yourself enough to really give it a chance. Find yourself an attachment therapist as close to you as you can. There are also support groups for Attachment Disorders online. At least read a bit about it before deciding not to give it a try.
Here is one place that I have heard excellent feedback on. It's the Evergreen Consultants in Human Behavior in Colorado. At least nose around the website, okay?
Hello Jennifer,
I know what you are going through I was raped by my brother when I was younger. I am sorry that you are so depressed. I remember days when I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed. I am getting better, but I still have my days. I too tried to commit suicide. I was put in a mental hospital....and I hated them for it, but in the end it saved me. Even though its the hardest thing in the world you have to get yourself out of the rut. I know that sounds harsh...but its the only way that you are going to start living again. Try to put yourself out there in the world, and see what happens. You do need to get proffesional help though. Maybe you should check yourself into a clinic...its not only for rehab. Good luck sweetie and I wish you the best.
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