Am I suicidal?
Asked Nov 10, 2011, 06:29 AM
Ok so I have been feeling tired and sleepy even though I go to sleep at 9 or 10. I've been falling asleep in my classes but I have never done that. I haven't been eating sometimes I'll just eat a cup of ramen noodles and that's my dinner. Even though my parent get up set that I don't eat.
I have been feeling really upset and mad at myself. I'm not that good of a daughter I never know when to shut my big mouth I cause so many problems. I know most of the bad things that happen in my life are my fault and no one else's. I made the decisions so It's my fault for what goes wrong. My parent are great. They always get me and my little brother what we want even if they do go broke for a while. I have great friends. I'm friends with everyone at school. My life is great but there is one thing I don't like. It's me I don't like how I look I hate the complection of my skin I not really dark but I still don't like my skin tone.
Most people may call me an oreo cause my personality is not the stereotype african-american person. I hate how I can wear certain things because of my skin. Some people can't believe I like rock music or had a celeb. Crush on Zac Efron. My friends say I'm wild, crazy, funny, nice, and other good stuff. I do act like that but I feel as if there is another part of me no one will understand no matter how I try to explain it. Cause I hardly understand.
When I get close the edge of something High like a window or something like that it's like I see myself on the ground limbs twisted and blood around me. I try to stay away from them. I have this weird feeling I will die early. For some reason I have a set age that I will die when I am the age of 16. Which is only 2 years away.I have wanted to tell someone this but I'm scared to. Lately I feel like I should just tell everyone my secrets. I don't think I'll kill myself I don't have the guts to do it but that doesn't keep it from entering my mind.
I can't picture myself becoming an adult. I use to love school but know I starting to care less and less. I use to get really mad if I mad a C on a quiz, but now I'm OK with it.
One thing that I love almost as much as my friends and family is this stuff called anime It gives me comfort when I watch it you could say I'm kind of addicted. But my parent take that way when my grades start slipping. The thing is I don't know why I feel like this my life is not bad or anything.