Ok so I post this in a real state of confusion. I have no idea what goes on in my head sometimes and I struggle to understand it all. I am 25 years old and I don't understand why I have such a reserved, shy, conservative personality. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, although I just feel sometimes that it holds me back in my career. Sometimes I think that I am scared to go out there and express myself. For example, I am always paranoid about the way people see me. For example, I always worry that people think I am the teachers pet (bosses now, but teachers when I was young) even though I am quite clearly not. However, it is almost like I am scared to do this because I worry that people will think or say "Look he's sucking up to the boss again". So I hold back. However, I also disagree with a lot of my bosses philosophies on life and the profession which I don't hold back in saying (I have disagreed with him to his face a few times - not in a rude way but because I genuinely didn't agree with that he said).

Does anyone else ever feel like this... almost scared to do something because of what others may think about them? I feel like this paranoia is holding me back. Although I look at other people who do blatantly suck up to the boss (hes quite important/ wealthy etc) and are proud of it. For example they will blatantly say one thing and then another thing to please him, and act differently around him. There sole intention in life is to figure out what he likes/ wants etc. I tend to frown on this and I think its quite sad (is that wrong?). So I guess I do the opposite and avoid him at all costs. Even when he's walking around the office talking to people, I will go to the toilet or something so that he doesn't pay me a compliment or something. I feel much more comfortable when he criticizes me than praises me. I get really embarrassed with praise.

When I was growing up I remember my parents always talking about the 'clique' and they would criticize others for sucking up to others etc. Why did they do this? I don't think it was jealousy as my parents viewed love for us over everything and weren't really concerned with materialistic possessions. I think this has now had an impact on me, and so I do the opposite - avoid people who have status, authority etc for fear of criticism from others.

So in short what the hell is my problem?

The problem is you are on the one end, you know how people will judge and talk about others for apparently little to no reason which causes you to react in the way that you believe will be criticized and talked about the least. You are self-monitoring yourself into paranoia. It is not uncommon to behave in ways that you believe are most socially accepted but you will need to turn your self-monitoring down a couple if you are going to behave comfortably and free.

Thanks for the advice. I think you are right when you say I am over self-monitoring myself into paranoia. I guess relaxation may help me to act comfortably and free?

If you are able to relax than you will be more at ease to be yourself. You have to learn to accept that people will and do judge you by your actions, but that your actions are what make you who you are. You have to be proud of who you are and you will not be able to do that if you are too worried about what others may think of your choices.