I am sorry this is so long I tried to make this as short as possible, but I thought the details were very important. I am dealing with different type of codependency and I am miserable. Here it goes:

I am 32 yrs old. I believe my mother and I are codependent (or at least one of us is) I have had Systemic Lupus since I was thirteen, and my mother has been my #1 source of support all of my life. I am her only child and she has given me everything possible to keep me happy and comfortable. Because most of my life I have not been able to work (or at least work full time), she has provided for me financially (so I have basically been dependent on her all of my life).

Now that I am adult I am struggling for my independence. Going AWAY to college was my first taste of independence. I was able to make my own decisions and choices based on all the knowledge and wisdom my mom had instilled in me. (like going to class and washing my own clothes for the first time) With my mothers support, I graduated and received my BA a in Psychology. When I was in my 20s. I got an apartment through a state program, I was also attending Howard University working on my Masters( with my mothers support). During that time I tried as much as possible to live like a 25 year old. She wanted/wants me to tell to her everything (which I normally did as a child), but the more I told/tell her the more she takes the information and make decisions and judgment calls about my life. She doesn't understand that I now NEED to make decisions and judgment calls for myself. I NEED my INDEPENDENCE!!

When I try to explain this to her, she acts as if I don't love her anymore or I am abandoning her. The she throws a guilt trip ("you don't call me like you use to or, I just feel so alone, like I don't have no one or that nobody cares"

It is still hard for me because I am disabled and when I am unable to work and/or earn enough money to financially support myself, am I'm dependent on her (which I hate), I still have all the medical issues of having a chronic illness, so when I am really sick, she literally has to (or believes she has to) take care of me. I am, blessed to have such a wonderful loving mom. I am grateful and I have told her that millions of time, but it seems as if I have to live my life, so that she is always happy, and if I don't she gets upset, angry, depressed or plain crazy. So I think this is where the co-dependency comes in. Her happiness is defined by me????

I know she is my mother and she loves me very much. But because I have lupus and I am her only child it seems like she believes her life must revolve around me, and if I don't like it then I must don't appreciate her and all that she has done. I know she worries, but I don't feel like I should not have to call her everyday. I normally call her at least 2-3 times a week. But she says a mother is suppose to be concerned, therefore I should call her everyday, just to let her know that I am okay or I should at least call to check on her.

So now I to feel guilty and ashamed. I am the ungrateful daughter (My codependency) How I feel about myself depends on whether or not I she is happy (or happy with my life)

I have been trying to to find other sources of support, because I know that there are many people with disabilities who have other sources of support, liker someone to come and clean, cook, help them with bathing and dressing if needed, etc....Financially I know it makes since for her to come and do those thing for me, but now that I am 32 years old I need her to realize that for the purposes of self pride, self esteem, self dignity and sanity I don't always want my mother doing everything for me. Frankly, I would rather be dead if I have no say in making decisions is how I want live my life. By not allowing me to decide how I want to live my life, it cripples me and take away my independence making me feel like my mother is a crutch. I am just learning how say "I" instead of "We" (me and my mother) or "my mother said this", or "my mother said that" as if my mother and I are one entity...How do I get her to understand that I need to me my own person, a separate entity? How do I get her to see the boundaries?
So far I have managed to buy house, which she pays all my bills. I use my SSDI to pay my mortage. Yet, my mother instist that that it is also her house so she comes to stay with me and my boyfriend 75% of the year. Right now I am struggling financially, so my mother has DECIDED THAT I will move to Georgia with her to live and she will take care of me until she dies or I kill myself. she has a house in GA which she never stays in because she stays with me and my boyfriend most of the (I now live in MARYLAND and have lived her all my life.)
I have accomplished a lot with the help and support of my mother, so now do I owe her my Life????

PLEEEEEEEEASE HELP

YOGIBEAR

p.s.

I am in therapy

bluerose

YOGIBEAR,

I would say no, you don't owe her your life. If you feel strong and able to take care of yourself, I suggest you be firm with your mum and encourage her to try to meet some new friends. You may have to keep reassuring her that you are fine and that you know what you are doing and that she should be proud of you for wanting to take care of yourself. You might even give her the credit but stand firm. You are entitled to live your own life as you see fit.

valinors_sorrow

If you were to cut all financial support from her, would you be able to survive? Or would it just lower your standard of living? It is an important question because it is one of the main ways she legitimately enters your life and then feels she has a "stake" in the outcome.

I applaud your efforts to be independent. I would think that a gradual but progressive path towards total independence (which may require that you work part time, accept support from another source part time and/or change your standard of living even) would go a long way toward shutting down that pathway and allowing you to create other more constructive paths, if possible, with your mom-- like having fun together shopping or reading the same book to discuss together (how about Melody Beattie's Codependent No More for starters) or an outing, if possible?

I have several "disabilites" for which I seek various forms of outside help. Any one of them could have set up similar circumstances with my family had I sought their help. My family has money and it was often offered but always with strings attached. Even without the money complicating it, I found it was impossible to have a relationship with either my father or sister that wasn't codependent at their end. It eventually caused complete estrangement between us since there simply wasn't much left to say to each other once I learned how not to play the game.

Even from friends I have known, sometimes help isn't very helpful. I have changed a lot over the years (from therapy) and had to let go of friends who simply couldn't accomodate the changes from me -- they don't call that marvelous book "Courage To Heal" for a flimsy reason! There are reasons people come and go in our lives and I have learned to appreciate them all, whether they stay a while or not.

You are faced with some challenges here, no doubt about that. Is the therapy you mention physical or psychological? If the latter, what does your therapist say about the codependency issues you raise here?

pumibel

This is really a hard one to deal with! I can tell that you truly do appreciate everything your mom has done for you. You are not being ungrateful by trying to be independent from her. You are actually giving her back something and she does not yet see that. All mothers want their children to become independent and successful.

It will take time for you to work this out- it has taken 32 years for your relationship to be at this stage. There are a lot of emotions tied up here, love and fear being the main two. She is afraid for you, and you are probably afraid for her, as well. How is she going to adjust to you not being in her care 24/7? It will be a huge change. Financially, you can get professional help to make a budget and find government help if possible.

You really need family counseling for you and Mom. If you are a church-goer, your clergyman may be a good person to turn to if you don't want to go to a counselor or insurance doesn't cover it.

Bottom line- she can't make you move to Georgia. She knows it, but mothers are always good for the guilt trip (works better than rope and duct tape).

Write all you are feeling in a letter to her. you may decide not to give it to her, but it will help you talk to her when the time comes.

Yogibear19

Thanks for the advice. I know that it will take some time for my mom to grasp the whole independence thing. I briefly chatted with her therapist one day when she called my house looking for my mom. ( my mom also suffers from depression-slightly bi-polar) I told her how I was feeling and asked what should I do. She encouraged me to seek a therapist that would not be bias towards either of us....a neutral opinion. My mom's therapist said that she has my mom's best interest in mind... and my therapist has my best interest in mind.

I have talked about my mom and how she gets on my nerves a lot, (she calls to inquire about how I am keeping my house up etc... ) We have never really talked about the co-dependence issue...she just tells me to stay firm with my mom. However, my therapist has assisted me in finding other support sources. Currently I am working with a Vocational Rehab Counselor to discuss getting the supports I need. In 2004 the VR program help me with starting my own bookkeeping business so I can work from home, but they just help me started the businesses, now I need help maintaining my business...they must have forgot that I am disabled. I would love to have a personal assistant who would be able to help me when I am not feeling well, like cooking and cleaning. I also requested a job coach to help me with my business as well as maintaining my health/medical issues. So far I have not been able to maintain my business and maintain a healthily lifestyle. Running a business demands a lot of work...work that I can not always handle by myself. Then I also have to cook, clean, rest, shop etc...

So now my main goals are to find means of outside/additional supports that will allow me to work from home and gain financial independence. So far most of the programs that I have found say that I am not "disabled enough". If anyone has any information or resources on supports for disabled persons, such as myself, I would greatly appreciate you input.