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redrumx3 · Feb 3, 2010, 03:48 PM

He was physically and mentally abusive, yet he denies every bit of it, even to me! It's so frustrating because I went through the abuse for two years, I was there, I was being abused. It was like a living hell for me, but I came out and am stronger than ever. And the very person who looked at me with no remorse when he was doing what he did is trying to deny it to me?

At the same time he's even "apologized" for a specific instance of abuse. (Granted, from experience, I know he was only trying to manipulate me into doing something he wanted me to do.)

I've moved on with my life, I'm with someone new, I'm happy. Granted I've got all the scars I rightfully can have... I've accepted that I can't change what happened. I just talked to my ex for the first time in a while today and after I told him I wouldn't meet him anywhere by ourselves, he said something about me still thinking he was abusive.

I just want to know why he denies this to me of all people.

tickle · Feb 3, 2010, 04:25 PM

Originally Posted by redrumx3

He was physically and mentally abusive, yet he denies every bit of it, even to .

I just want to know why he denies this to me of all people.

Because he doesn't have any respect for you.

Tick

MsMewiththat · Feb 3, 2010, 04:31 PM

I think you said it best when you said that he wasn't remorseful. He isn't sorry or he doesn't realize how it made you feel or what it really means. Which is a good reason to not be with him anymore. You've moved on and your happy. I can understand that you are looking for closure and part of that for you would be an apology and at minimum an acknowledgment of what he has done to you. You may have to heal this one on your own, it may not ever come from him. Let it go and continue to be happy and secure in the fact that you are not allowing yourself to be put in that position any longer.
Stay strong

QLP · Feb 4, 2010, 01:49 AM

My sister did some stuff in the past that she absolutely believes she didn't do despite the fact that eveyone else in the family knows for a fact she did. She has remade her own memories to fit in with what she decides happened rather than what really did. At first I was astonished that she could blatently lie to people around her about stuff we completely knew to be fact. Now I reaslise that in fact she has lied to herself so well she actually believes it.

Don't know if anything similar applies here but what I do know is it is their problem. You know what happened. Forget trying to convince him and just concentrate on your own road to being happy.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 4, 2010, 06:57 AM

Sorry no you have not truly moved on, you are wanting some closure to something that may never happen.

He would have to admit he has a provblem or issue and will most likely never admit this, or if so, years down the road.

You have to get to a point where his admitting is not your problem, but his.

redrumx3 · Feb 4, 2010, 01:22 PM

Good points. Fr_Chuck you're right in a sense about not moving on.. I mean my life has moved on, I no longer look back and wonder why, or feel helpless. Unfortunately the effects of what he put me through are still there, and I still avoid things that put me in any similar situation. Those, I don't think will ever go away.

Like I said it just bothered me that he tried to deny things to me. I was talking to him yesterday (I haven't spoken to him for months and haven't spoken to him since), he said, "Ok I admit that I hit you a few times, but never hurt you to the point where it affected your ability to do anything." Granted, "few" is drastically different from the truth, but that's probably all I'll get. But as mentioned, no sense burdening myself over his issues anymore. He even tried to tell me that there's so many problems in his life and I was the only one who ever knew him well enough to fix them so his problems will never be fixed. Basically trying to blame his problems on me, when the only "problems" he was able to tell me were him not being able to be with anyone because every girl, "reminds him of me." I don't know why the situation is so frustrating.

redhed35 · Feb 4, 2010, 01:26 PM

Can I just ask why you are having any contact with this man at all?

Do you have children together?

redrumx3 · Feb 4, 2010, 01:55 PM

No, we don't. He started up a conversation with me, and thinking it would be polite, and because he's deploying for a year and a half, I went along with it. I thought after how many months it'd be a normal conversation, which it apparently couldn't be. After the how have you beens, it led to the, "can I see you before I leave?" I said definitely not if we were alone, so he went on about the aforementioned (his first reaction was, "i guess you still think I'm abusive", then missing me, etc.). He didn't get his way, so as it had when we were together, threw his fit and just stopped talking to me. I'm going to guess because when we were together I would always be the one calling and calling when he would ignore me for days at a time. (Unlike anymore, I just leave it at that. I reply, he doesn't answer, oh well.)

redhed35 · Feb 4, 2010, 02:57 PM

Today is a new day for you.

Begin no contact. No calls no letters no nothing,cut this toxic man from your life.

He is an abuser.

If you have unresolved issues you need to see a councillor or a support group,where you can talk,and begin healing.

Talking to him is rubbing salt into unhealed emotional and mental wounds.

He is not going to admit the abuse.

The problem is his,the issues are his,he has to take ownership of his actions.

Take the time for you to heal,seek the help you need and the answers to seek from people who can give you the answers,he can't tell you the answers,because he does not see anything wrong with his actions.

blowe · Feb 4, 2010, 08:12 PM

He's still emotionally abusing you. It's called crazy making. Just thank God your not sick enough to understand and let it go. He's not going to get fixed and turn into a empethetic honest guy, right?

blowe · Feb 4, 2010, 08:14 PM

It sounds like you need to have your experence valadated. Go to a safe place for that, like a support group. It's so much more healing.

redrumx3 · Feb 5, 2010, 01:18 PM

Originally Posted by blowe

It sounds like you need to have your experence valadated. Go to a safe place for that, like a support group. It's so much more healing.

When you say I need to have my experience validated, I was wondering if you knew if this was a normal occurrence, or what exactly this means for me?

Just hearing that made me really think about things. It takes me back to just our past arguments, and how I would do nothing wrong but end up believing I had in the end and apologizing and I'd be the one trying to make things better. What I'm getting at is he was able to completely change what I thought even though I would be completely sure to begin with. Even after, I mean this may be tmi, but whenever abuse did occur, he'd always say, "I don't want to do this but you make me." (because I made him mad, normally by just having a life outside of him). And I believed it was my fault. It wasn't until he slept with someone else and said that to me that my world completely turned upside down - literally only because I had realized that no, it wasn't my fault.

Is it possible this is what is leading me to want him to admit things to me?

redrumx3 · Feb 5, 2010, 01:20 PM

[QUOTE=redhed35;2212040]
Talking to him is rubbing salt into unhealed emotional and mental wounds.
QUOTE]

This is very true. I'll admit that talking to him does make me sort of go loopy in a sense. I've developed my own individual strength, yet talking to him still gets to me.

blowe · Feb 5, 2010, 06:27 PM

Is it possible this is what is leading me to want him to admit things to me?[/QUOTE]

Absolutely. Part of healing is going to a place with people who will validate what you have experenced. I think there is the logical side of people who want to have admition and a whole hearted apology from the one who wronged them. In a healthy relationship this is exactly what would happen and their would be a real chance for reconcelation. But Domestic Violence defys logic and the abuser uses our own logic, sense of right and wrong, and concience against us to manipulate us. Meanwhile the rules never apply to him. The secret is that you can get what you need in a safe place and move on... its just not going to happen with an abuser. He has too much to loose. If you pursue a support group you will find that you were not stupid (so many of us feel we were) you were manipulated. You didn't do ANYTHING to cause this. He was broken before you ever met him. I fineley decided to step out of the insanity and pursue health/healing. Part of that is I don't have conversations with my ex about our past... I finley realized he has nothing to offer but lies, crazymaking and pain. My life is 100% better and its been 2 1/2 years. :)

blowe · Feb 5, 2010, 06:34 PM

BTW Usually closed small groups or have the best results. I personally prefer church based ones like celebrate recovory but there are plenty that are 12 step baised or closed groups facilitated by councelors. Lots of areas have Domestic Violence services that offer support groups too. Just call around and try a few. It will feel uncomfortable at first but stick with it. Its worth it.

Alty · Feb 5, 2010, 06:54 PM

The reason he won't admit it is because that would make him a monster and not the really great super guy he thinks he is.

If he admits it to you he'll have to admit it to himself. He's not ready to do that. He may never be ready.

He's no longer your concern. This man has issues, more then you're even aware of and it's time to cut him out of your life, stop waiting for him to confirm what you know and he's in denial about.

Move on. Counseling is a great idea, or a support group. One thing I would really recommend is going to No Contact with your ex. Leave him in the past where he belongs. Start looking forward.

I really wish you all the best and I'm so very sorry you had to go through all of this.

Good luck to you. :)

redrumx3 · Feb 7, 2010, 09:25 PM

Thank you everyone so much for your help. I'm definitely cutting off all ties.. for good. I'll never be able to start healing if I keep reopening the wounds. Thank you again and a million times over

Alty · Feb 7, 2010, 09:38 PM

Originally Posted by redrumx3

Thank you everyone so much for your help. I'm definitely cutting off all ties..for good. I'll never be able to start healing if I keep reopening the wounds. Thank you again and a million times over

I'm so glad to hear that you're moving on. This really is the best option.

Put the past behind you and look forward to the future.

I wish you all the best. :)

jcrichton · Dec 8, 2010, 07:18 AM

My ex is even worse because he's now telling everyone in the pub that I was the one who abused him! He's really got my head messed up and I'm embarrassed to walk down the road but my friends know the truth

Alty · Dec 8, 2010, 03:51 PM

jcrichton, this is an old thread, and, this isn't a chat site. When posting on threads it's to answer the OP's question, not to chat about your own problems.

If you have a question you'd like answered, start your own thread and we'd be more than happy to help. :)