[amanda40]

I have a problem that is really affecting me physically and emotionally. I have been dating this guy for almost 2 years now. I have never been so happy in my life. I wanted to spend all of my time with him and he felt the very same way as myself. We were so in love. In November, he started acting a little strange. I tried not to think anything by it and keep assuring myself that everything was fine. The more time I tried to spend with him the more he told me he was tired, etc. My woman intuition kicked him and I caught him cheating. The girl was at his house. Needless to say he tried to say it wasn't what it looked like but I know in my heart it is. I was so hurt and I still am. It literally felt like my heart was broken and it was falling off my shoulder in pieces. I never would have imaged he would do that to me because I thought everything was fine between us.

I forgave him and took him back even though he still will not admit he was cheating. In January I found out about another girl. I believe he was seeing her when he was cheating with the girl I caught him with in November. She actually came into this house with me and him and showed me text and everything between them. Again I felt so hurt that he could do this a second time. He started saying that once again he wasn't cheating and it wasn't what it looked like. But she had clothes there, tooth brush, body wash. I kept asking myself how did I miss it all? How did I not see her stuff right there in my face? At that time I had not been going over there too much because he was so “tired” I had lied to me so many times.

Despite it all I still stayed with him because I loved him so much. But for the past two months, I wish I had not have stayed. I'm so angry with him for hurting me so bad. Since that happened in January I feel in my heart that he is not cheating and that he has no more intentions of cheating. I honestly feel and believe that. But the problem is I can't forget or let go what he did to me. I thought I would be over it by now but I am not. I tried talking to him about it but it doesn't help. I have even tried breaking up with him numerous times but he won't let me go. He wants to get married and fix “us” he said. He is really pushing me to move in but I just can't.

For the past month I have been arguing with him everyday and it is because of when he cheated on me. I say really mean things to him and act mean towards him. At this point I really don't know what to do. How do I get over him cheating? I have tried so many different things but nothing is working and I don't want to treat him bad anymore. I still love him but I don't feel the say way about him like I use to.

What do I do?

[odinn7]

He cheated at least twice and it is likely he will do it again.

How do you get over it? You probably don't. You have lost trust in him as well as respect for him. He has hurt you. Deep down you know you should not have taken him back a second time... probably not even the first time.

Even though you caught him dead to rights both times, he still will not admit that he was doing it... that also does not help you get over what he did. Getting married will fix nothing, it will just make the problem worse probably.

So one thing I don't get... you tried breaking up with him numerous times but he won't let you go? How is that? It's not up to him. If you want to break up, you tell him it's over and that's it... so part of you still wants to stay but there is part of you that knows this will not work.

Maybe counseling for both of you is the answer but I doubt it... I think the answer is that it's over and you just can't take that step.

[talaniman]

It could take years for you to regain trust, if you ever do, but for now take time for yourself to be good to yourself without him for a while. Why? Because if the behavior continues you will hate and resent each other any way. It's a break, and with no promises or commitments it's a break up. How long will it last? Until you get your hurt and anger under control. Quite simply you never took time to heal after your first betrayal, and he has never given you closure over it, but repeated the betrayal.

Time to get your own closure through acceptance, and let the healing begin. Will this be the end of this relationship? Who knows, but it's better than fighting and being angry. That's not a happy future to look forward to. We forgive but never forget, but you do need the time to heal.

[fredg]

I am 71 yrs old, and been through a divorce, a wife's death, and now have a girlfriend I love very much. As another said, we never forget, but can learn to live with it. If you can't get over this, it's best to move on. Find someone who will treat you with respect. Any good relationship must have honesty, respect, caring, and a willingness to talk about anything. Good luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

You do not get over it, and obviously he is not even admitting he did wrong, so he is not trying to change. And why should he change, he gets caught, you forgive and allow him to do it.

He is most likely cheating on your still, he may be getting better at hiding it, as he gets caught.

So you just learn to accept another women in the relationship as long as you stay with this man.

[N0help4u]

Don't be so sure he isn't cheating, but rather learned not to get caught.

[Jake2008]

Unless there is mutual ground, to carry on the relationship, together, you are left in limbo, and can't expect yourself to be able to trust him.

By mutual ground I mean honesty. If he cannot bring himself to tell the truth, he is untruthful, and not worthy of any trust. He does have a history and I have to wonder why he isn't honest, knowing you love(d) him enough to take him back- twice.

It's time to set some expectations. I recommend that you insist on couples counseling, and be prepared for some hard work to get all the cards out and on the table. That being the first step, and he refuses to go, or commit to at least six sessions, then it's time to set another expectation.

Separation. Let him know that if he cannot face what he's done, and work through the reasons, with a professional counselor, you will leave by the end of the month. And the last expectation.

Because he is the one that has caused the rift in the relationship, it must be him that makes the effort to contact a counselor, make appointments, and put his money where his mouth is.

Nothing will be resolved, without honesty. With honesty being hand in hand with trust, how can he expect either, when he isn't addressing what he has done.

After you have covered your bases, and made reasonable expectations to address and resolve what has happened, and still decide to stay with him and be miserable, then nothing can be done to help you.