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Nurse1515 · Apr 19, 2013, 09:37 PM

My husband and I have been married for only four months. We have a seven month old daughter and are both still in school. He has always been the type to have many friends that are girls. Once we got married these women still continued to talk to him constantly. One of which text him on his birthday asking what he wanted for a birthday present.

I have expressed how this bothers me since she is a woman going through divorce. He also has lied about stupid things like someone messaging him for a job but it turned out to be a different person. I don't know what to do. I hate lies. I adore my husband and can't imagine life without him but lies especially about little things and talking to women going through a divorce has really started to get to me.

joypulv · Apr 20, 2013, 12:19 AM

We can't sort out lies from snooping. This is something you two have to sit down and discuss when emotions aren't running high.

What I'm saying is that you have no business seeing who texts, emails, or calls him. Snooping ALWAYS leads to lying and feeling trapped. On the other hand, we aren't there to experience just how much he shmoozes with women, how serious it is, and how much lying he does regardless of you snooping. Therefore we can't judge. You both have to work out a COMPROMISE. That's what love is. You are both in school so temptation is everywhere; a concentration of single people your age. You got pregnant, got married, had a child, with eyes wide open. If you want to keep the marriage, you can't just complain to him and to others, you have to work on this as though it's the final exam of all exams. Sit him down, set an egg timer for 5 minutes, and talk. And do it the next night and the next, until you have sorted out resentments, and find a solution.

talaniman · Apr 20, 2013, 11:21 AM

How long had you been dating before you got married?

Nurse1515 · Apr 20, 2013, 01:50 PM

We didn't date very long... Only about six months before I got pregnant and then got married a year and a couple months later... I actually took your advice last night and sat down with him for a couple of minutes and talked which helped... I just don't want to feel like there is always something more to any situation then what he is telling me... I have always had trust issues which is not his fault... I just want him to be honest because I am honest with him . Thanks for all of your replies. This is the first timeI have ever been on a message board so I appreciate the honesty. This might not make any difference but I am 23 and he is 29

Nurse1515 · Apr 20, 2013, 01:54 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

We can't sort out lies from snooping. This is something you two have to sit down and discuss when emotions aren't running high.

What I'm saying is that you have no business seeing who texts, emails, or calls him. Snooping ALWAYS leads to lying and feeling trapped. On the other hand, we aren't there to experience just how much he shmoozes with women, how serious it is, and how much lying he does regardless of you snooping. Therefore we can't judge. You both have to work out a COMPROMISE. That's what love is. You are both in school so temptation is everywhere; a concentration of single people your age. You got pregnant, got married, had a child, with eyes wide open. If you want to keep the marriage, you can't just complain to him and to others, you have to work on this as though it's the final exam of all exams. Sit him down, set an egg timer for 5 minutes, and talk. And do it the next night and the next, til you have sorted out resentments, and find a solution.

Thanks for the reply and your honesty.I appreciate it. The first lie I caught him in was actually one of his friends blurting information out that he didn't tell me... I didn't snoop... But after that time I always felt he was hiding something... Since then I have snooped which I know is wrong... And found many things he kept from me... the knowledge of him lying however didn't start from snooping... I did take your adviv about sitting down last night and it helped a little but he would always turn it around on me saying I'm crazy and I need to talk with someone because him not telling me the whole truth isn't a lie...

joypulv · Apr 20, 2013, 03:28 PM

'he would always turn it around on me saying I'm crazy'

Serious talks are a delicate matter that take a lot of thought. Rule number one is to stay calm, number two to not accuse, and number three to make at least half of what you say about YOU and not HIM. That is very hard. 'I feel hurt.' 'It's hard to trust.' 'I don't know what to believe.' 'Sometimes I want to leave.' 'I wonder if I had some male friends who wanted to give me b-day gifts.' 'I hope we can find a way to wipe out the things I snooped on and the things you lied about, and start new.'
See if you can define a set of understandings about what friends of opposite gender can and can't do.
It may take weeks or months of 5 minute 'talks.'

fredg · Apr 20, 2013, 04:26 PM

Sorry to hear about this... It's always a surprise when someone starts doing something that you would not expect after marriage... especially such a short marriage so far.
It looks as if you have two options; either just accept what is happening, or get out of the marriage. I was married first time for 7 yrs, divorced, then remarried for 30 years... now a widower.
Life is not always kind, and it really is what we make of it. If you are not happy with the current situation, please get out while you still have time to enjoy life.
Is there a chance you both could talk with a marriage counselor or some other counselor together about his lying? I do wish you the best.

talaniman · Apr 20, 2013, 05:54 PM

You guys are just learning HOW to communicate honestly and effectively. Keep talking, pick your spots and just be cool and calm, during a cool and calm time.