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ahthefrustration · Apr 30, 2007, 12:26 PM

The more I read up on it, the more I suspect that my boyfriend is asexual - has no desire for sex. He said that he has never desired sex, and that it's not important to him. On the other hand, he says that he wants to wait until he is married to have sex. I have no objections to waiting for marriage for sex, but I am scared to death that we'll get married someday, and the sex just won't be there. I mean... if he's asexual, fine... I can try to deal with that somehow. I just have no way of knowing if that is the case, or if he just doesn't think about sex, but would enjoy it once he started having it. The honeymoon would be a crappy time to find out that a sex life is not a possibility. I would never talk to anyone we know about it, because that wouldn't be fair to him. So I've turned to the internet... can anyone offer any advice on this?

Clough · Apr 30, 2007, 02:21 PM

Just my opinion based upon what you have written. Seems to me that the two of you are very religious and want to adhere to not having sex before marriage. I find that to be an admirable belief. His saying "He said that he has never desired sex, and that it's not important to him." may just his way of avoiding falling into sin.

His saying "he says that he wants to wait until he is married to have sex." indicates to me that he is capable of having sex. He has not stated that he is incapable of having sex.

To be sure, and to ease your own mind, I would ask him more pointed questions about his body, such as "Have you ever been aroused?" "Are you capable of being aroused?"

I hope that this has been helpful and I wish the two of you much happiness!

Boney · Apr 30, 2007, 03:11 PM

Just a different take. You haven't said how old he is. If he is a young man and he is "disinterested in sex" there could be a number of issues -
1) He is finding it difficult to say to you that he does not want to have sex with you now.
2) He has a problem that he does not feel free to talk about.
3) He has had a bad experience in the past.

I would firstly look at your relationship. You are talking about marriage - so I am guessing that you are both young adults nearing that cycle in life - just trying to work with what you have given in your post. How intimate are you? - and by that I mean how deep do you share your lives with each other. It sounds to me like you should concentrate on getting your relationship to a more intimate level where you can feel easy and comfortable to share your innermost dreams and desires with each other. Once you are there, you and he should be able to talk about anything, as it would be done in a trustful and secure environment. At that level I am sure you will be able to discuss sex. I would go as far to suggest until you are at that level of sharing marriage should wait. Marriage is built on trust and love - and stacks of sharing. If there are areas that are hidden - you should be exploring those in your courship. That is what courting each other is for - getting to know each other as much as possible. If you are really in love then it should be easy to progress the sharing level. Start with romance and then up the sharing. All the best.

ahthefrustration · Apr 30, 2007, 06:28 PM

Thank you for your answers! I did forget to mention our ages. He's 21, and I'm 22. We have been dating for a little over a year, and during that time we have spent most of our time together. When I had an apartment, and he was commuting, he stayed with me during the week. When I moved back home while student teaching, I stayed with him. We talk about everything. As far as I know, we don't keep secrets. I guess my concern was that we used to kiss, cuddle, etc. etc. and he seemed very interested. It just kind of stopped. The last time we talked, he said that he honestly didn't know why he didn't think about/look forward to sex. I guess all of that information could have been useful when I was writing the first post, but I didn't want to write a book. He said that he never felt normal, and any time he mentioned that in high school, people thought he was a freak or something. I told him that I loved him no matter what... and that he's in no way a freak. I just want to know that if we have a future together that sex is somewhere in it.

I wasn't too concerned with all of this until we talked about it again. Since he claims to have no sex drive, I asked him if he thought that would change when he was married (to whoever he ended up marrying). He said "probably not... I'll do it, but it's not something that I necessarily look forward to." now that's something a girl loves to hear, right? If you're still reading this little story, then bless you!

pickerill · May 1, 2007, 02:14 PM

Im sure when you do actually do it he will want it again and again. Or perhaps its his way of avoiding the temptation.

Aeneas · May 14, 2007, 02:44 PM

I can understand the *untold issue* theory, it's not really uncommon for a 21 or 22 year old guy to feel unsure of his sexual capabilities, making it difficult for him to take that step. Though I don't know if this is the case here, pickerill brings up a good point too, I'm not religious in any way but can understand if people want to wait until marriage and this is just his dodge :) but if this is the case you should reassure him that you would rather know if it's the dodge or if it's really about not wanting to have sex, and that you really understand if he wants to wait (and of course that you also understand if it's a lack of interest.). I'd also like to add that to me, sex is not that important in a relationship, it's a factor, but definitely not one of the important ones. :)

Hope this helped a tiny bit.

Boney · May 14, 2007, 06:24 PM

From your original post you said he wants to wait yet in the later one he says that sex is not important? Sex is integral to marriage. This is not an issue you can put on the shelf until later. I seriously would not even think of marriage until this one is resolved. It is too big an issue to deal with later.
You say that you do share things at a deep level - what does he say when you say sex is important to you and that you cannot go through life in a marriage where there is no sex? The Bible clearly states that the partners are not to withhold sex from each other so that temptation should not get a foothold.
If there are no hidden areas or events that he does not want to speak of maybe you should consider a life with someone else. You are going to have to confront the issue and make a choice. It's not something you can sidestep.