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RednGreen · Dec 1, 2012, 12:19 PM

My ex-boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 6 months. We recently broke up for nearly a week and I am devastated right now. When we first started going out officially, we always laughed at how we first met on Facebook and ended up dating each other. I personally never had a thought of getting hooked up through Facebook but it happened and I was very thankful for that. Both of our families were very supportive, we were so happy together, we brought the best out of ourselves for a better future. Everything started to going down hill when his parents wanted to open a restaurant for him so he can start building his future which I thought that was a great idea (he always told me he wanted to be a restaurateur one day). His parents wanted me to be part of it and they wanted us to get engaged. So the two families met. Surprisingly, his aunt, on behalf of his family, spoke about marriage and asked what are my family's requirements for the wedding (we are Asians). My parents were very surprised by that because I have made it very clear that I will not get married until I get my MBA. So my mother told his family that we can do an engagement but getting married can't be done until I'm finished with school. His parents thought my family rejected them, so they postponed the engagement without informing my ex and I. Then they told me to come over and said that I either get married now to him and start working on the restaurant or it will never happen. His mom even kicked me out of his own restaurant one time because she was arguing with my ex. The thing that hurts me the most is he did not say anything when his parents say all those hurtful things to me. They wanted me to stop my education because they were afraid if I got my master, I will control my ex and leave him for better guys which I thought it was ridiculously nonsense. This had nothing to do with them, it's all about trust between us. At the end, I left for about a month then came back and decided to be with him and fight for our love. Now, he said he can't change anything and he's sorry for everything he puts me through and he doesn't know how to fix it. He's scared of his mother that he can't even mention my name when she asks him what he is doing. I am sad but at the same time very disappointed in him. He says he loves me and all those things but he doesn't do anything to prove it. What should I do now? I still love him so much, I want to be with him, I don't know how to move on. I'm sorry if my story is long. Please give me some advises.

dontknownuthin · Dec 1, 2012, 12:26 PM

I'm not that familiar with how things work in your culture so this may be cloddish stupid advice, but then again, might be worth trying. I would call him and tell him that you'd like to get together privately to talk about what you might be able to work out. First, you need to determine whether you want to be involved daily in the restaurant business. If you do not, perhaps you will take on a different role and have a separate career, but it will need to be made clear to the families how you and he want to make your lives work. For example, if you are getting an MBA, perhaps you can be in charge of the budget aspects of the business - paying the bills and managing the accounts and investments for the business and the household. Then perhaps you will also have a business - a CPA firm, perhaps, near to the restaurant? Whatever you think is going to be what you want to do. His family clearly see this as a family-owned business and you'll have to explain what you are and aren't good at, and how working a separate business will benefit the family (for example, you will have the security of a second source of income - not all eggs in one basket).

As for the engagement, perhaps his family will be satisfied if you set a wedding date. It could be two years out, but setting a date may make it seem more real to them.

As another option, continue to see each other and when you're ready to get engagted and marry within 6 months to a year, bring the families back together.

lovemyfamily28 · Dec 1, 2012, 12:31 PM

My advice to you is stand up for how you feel. If he will not say that he loves you and tell his family that he is going to live his life the way he wants and not allow them to run it for him, then I say you tell them if you really want to be with him. I believe he needs you to help show him that is mother is only a person not some one to fear, he needs your direction on what to do and if he tries to stop you from saying anything to them, then I would not allow myself to be brought down. You deserve to be loved and have respect, don't let your life be anything but what you want, if you do stop your education one day you will feel resentment towards this man and you will be disappointed in yourself because it may hurt to walk away now, later if you chose, it will only be a stepping stone to the woman you will become and the woman you respect and are proud to be.

RednGreen · Dec 1, 2012, 01:23 PM

Thank you for your advises. I forgot to mention that his parents are now telling him to go look for another woman because I am well-educated. Why does my education have to do with anything here? He is not going to college, that is his choice and my family never criticizes him for that. His mom told me that either I sacrifice my whole life and be with him or we can go out just for fun but getting married will never happen.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 1, 2012, 04:54 PM

I think you need to continue your education and separate yourself from him. If he loves you, he will grow a pair and stand up for you. If he doesn't your life with him would have been miserable.

dontknownuthin · Dec 1, 2012, 06:59 PM

It sounds like this woman is either jealous that you have more education than you or is afraid that you will be better than her son. She is stuck in the old caste system from her home country. Her son is going to have to challenge her on this if he wants to ever have his own life. Everyone comes to a point in life when they have to stand up to their parents for what matters, and if he's not willing to do that for you, it's time for you to move on. When you go to graduate school, you will find many other men who will respect and share your love of education and you can marry someone who does not want to turn you into a waitress when you have aspirations for a higher-paid and more advanced career.

RednGreen · Dec 1, 2012, 08:32 PM

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

It sounds like this woman is either jealous that you have more education than you or is affraid that you will be better than her son. She is stuck in the old caste system from her home country. Her son is going to have to challenge her on this if he wants to ever have his own life. Everyone comes to a point in life when they have to stand up to their parents for what matters, and if he's not willing to do that for you, it's time for you to move on. When you go to graduate school, you will find many other men who will respect and share your love of education and you can marry someone who does not want to turn you into a waitress when you have aspirations for a higher-paid and more advanced career.

That is what my psychologist told me as well. He has not contact me for two days, the other day when I came over his rented room to get my things, he cried and said he still loves me but there is no future for us. The only future he sees is me getting hurt, and he also said that he tries not to call or text because it only hurts me more. For some reasons, I think they are just excuses from him... if he truly loves me he would have done something. I never committed to someone as much as him... I still hope we can get back together but thinking of dealing with his family just make me stressed out so much.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 2, 2012, 08:36 AM

This man is too weak. You will never be happy with him.

dontknownuthin · Dec 2, 2012, 08:42 AM

You are right - only enter this family if you want to take second seat to his mother as long as you live. You do not agree with her nor see the world the same way. Just marry this guy and have a few kids and watch her try to interfere in your efforts to give your sons and especially daughters an education. She will not want the son to know more than the father, and the daughters - forget about it, she will think they should learn to cook and clean and work in the restaurant, too. She will discourage your children from having any career other than to work in the restaurant with their father, condemned to live someone else's dream. Forget about it and move on.