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Well, my fiancé came home and the plunger worked fine for him. It's all fixed now- thanks for your help everyone.

Okay- either I bought a crummy plunger or I'm doing it wrong. Now the bowl is emptying more slowly and all the water's not leaving like it was.
I don't see any little hole in the bottom for a jet...

Thanks. I actually don't, but I'm heading out to buy one now. Here's to hoping Home Depot is open.

My toilet just started filling up and very slowly draning until most of the water's gone, but it's not flushing the waste down with it.
I've tried 3 times now. The tank empties and refills, the bowl...