[praaji]

Hello,

I am back here after a long time. (Thankfully)
Got over a lot of my insecurity and jealousy issues and got married last year after I knew she was the one and I'm very sure she is.

The reason I come for help today is because of my anger.
I tend to get irritated really fast and say something in that moment usually in a rude way.

My wife was the type of person who had the most patience I had ever seen in anybody but she snaps at me back for the past year or so. She never used to before even if I was angry. (she would understand that whatever I am saying is out of anger and that I don't actually mean such crap - I never mean it) but over time she has started getting affected by what I say in anger. Fights back.

She went into depression for a few months about 2 years ago and I wasn't there for her as I never understood it in the initial phases as to why would she wake up crying and why is she suddenly sad out of nowhere and I took it personally and would tell her to stop ruining my day and dragging me down if she is feeling low.
It was here when she saw I wasn't with her that she started losing her patience with me and started snapping at me out of nowhere at the smallest things which she never would have. She still does but not as often.

We recently spoke and she feels much better now, but always holds it against me that I wasn't there for her at her lowest point. She can also recognise when she is getting angry now and can tell me before she snaps and starts getting her stress headaches(sometimes) and it is at this point that I mess up. (not when she says she is getting her headaches or physical pain anywhere due to the stress).

Sometimes I am able to calmly tell her that I understand her, etc but there are days where I feel her anger is on a really stupid reason and tell her the same because it irritates me that she would get upset over something so small and be ready to pick a fight and if she can be ready to pick a fight then I am not going to back down either.

That is my issue. My anger. I wish someone can teach me a way here to not go blind in anger and think such stupid crap .
Many times in the fight I cant even be bothered to fight anymore and I am fighting only so that she sees my point of view or sometimes 'i want to teach her what she is doing is wrong so keep going on' .
This is the part I need major help with. The fact that I have this messed up thinking in my head that I need to teach her this lesson for hurting my ego and insulting me that I keep on arguing instead of calming down the fight even though I can feel a part of me not wanting to fight. (means I'm not even angry at that point, I just go on because I want to be right) .
How do I get over this attitude of wanting to be Right in every fight?
How can I be a calmer and better husband and help my wife be happy?
How can I get this mentality of wanting to Punish everyone who wrongs me according to me and get rid of this vengeful anger attitude?

Thank you.

[joypulv]

I went back! Your struggles are about the most exhausting I've ever read about.
You both need so much help.
Does she still hear voices and see people and want to kill herself?
Is she still dancing, and you still a musician?
You really need counseling together. Not to see who's right or wrong; just to learn how to talk with each other.
It's work, like taking a course in school.

Your writing does reek of need to control her and be right.
It isn't easy to tell someone that the concept of wives as chattel is gone, and you don't own her or any human.
You don't even 'make someone happy.' They make themselves happy, and if it's around you, good, but remember that! That's the other side of the coin of controlling someone.

In therapy you learn to state YOUR FEELINGS and she states HER FEELINGS. You do it sitting down, and you do it calmly. You are not allowed to say what the other person does to you; only that you feel a certain way. You state your feelings, and then what you think a solution is to meet your NEEDS. She does the SAME. Then you talk out a way to compromise and meet each other in the middle, or trade one thing for another.
If you start to say "You make me feel..." you stop yourself. NO. No one makes you feel anything. You feel it all by yourself.
Practice, practice, practice.

Your ability to control your anger is a SUBSET of the bigger picture.

[praaji]

Thanks for replying.No she doesn't see people and doesn't want to kill herself. We don't even fight often and even if we do it's a quick argument usually and we just take a time-out till we can calm down but there are days when I cant take the time-out and I still continue being pissed even though she isn't and that leads to a bigger fight as I don't stop saying crap and then there are days I get upset at the fact that she is upset at something stupid. I do feel the need to control her and be right during fights and as much as I know it sounds like some 15th century stupid pig I don't know how exactly to get over this. In fact its not about controlling her. Its about controlling everything around me so the results are what I want and expect. When I said 'make her happy' I didn't mean literally. We have both come to understanding that we are in charge of our own happiness. What I mean is that I don't want to be the reason to ruin either one's happiness by getting angry and even if I do get angry to channel it better than to say one liners. I can only control what I can do and try and grow and be a good contribution to this relationship, she may go back to the patient person she was or she may not, I don't want to control that and its her choice to work on it, I want to work on my side of things so that even if she does get upset I would rather be there for her than be the own to make the fire bigger by feeling that if she wants to fight I will very well give her one and then show her how her decision to be upset was stupid and she shouldn't have been upset or snapped at such a small thing.(I sound like a sick person even typing this. Gosh)

[joypulv]

OK, so she isn't hearing voices anymore either? That's very unusual, to just go away, but that's about her, and this is about you.
You do need to work on yourself, but you are also in this together.
You can work on yourself alone, and work on it with her, using some of what I suggested above.
Most of what we all work on can't be done alone, except for fuming and blaming and getting more and more angry when no one is around.

The last time I was really angry with someone was with a male friend at my house on his birthday. I told him to get in my car and that I was taking him early to the lecture he wanted to hear later. I wouldn't talk all the way there. When he started to say something, I raised my arms off the steering wheel. It was tempting to go on and on about why I was angry, but I didn't.

It's a learned skill. You have to practice. In your case, you agree with YOURSELF that you will do it for the sake of the relationship. You will have something to be proud of each time you do it. It will feel mature, adult. Am I good at it? Not on your life!!! Not many of us are. It's easy to give advice.

[Alty]

You have to learn to stop wanting to be right, and you have to learn that just like you, she has a right to be upset about things that make no sense to you. You both need to learn that being upset about something doesn't mean upsetting the person you're married to.

Instead of fighting with her when she's upset, and making it worse, try asking her, calmly, why she's upset, and then listen. Even if she's upset about you, listen to what she's saying, acknowledge how she's feeling even if you don't agree with her. Let her cry, let her yell, just listen, actually listen, and then think about what she's saying. Is there anything valid to what she's saying? Is she making sense? Is this something you need to work on or is it her issue?

The first time you do this won't be easy, and she will likely say hurtful things, or yell, because she's not used to you actually listening to her and being there for her when she's upset. But the more you do this, the easier it will become, to the point where you can both discuss things that are upsetting you without yelling, without crying, without a fight at all, but just two adults listening and supporting each other.

I too suggest couples counseling. It's not always easy to learn to communicate effectively with someone, especially with someone you love, because loving the person means we're the most open and honest with them, and it's not always easy to hear the truth from your loved ones perspective.

I agree with Joy, it's a learned skill, and even once you have that skill it's not always easy to use it. My husband and I communicate very well for the most part, but there are times that one of us is so upset about something that we simply drown the other person out, and just want to rant, rave, yell, scream, cry. Doesn't happen often, and when it does it feels awful for both of us, until one of us remembers to be the calm one, to stop and listen, and after that happens it's all good. Then we can just sit, talk without judgement, without blame, and actually resolve the issue. Add a hug and a kiss, and telling the one you love that you understand, that you're sorry, that you'll try to do better, or that you simply get why they're upset, goes a long long way in maintaining a good relationship.

[praaji]

Thank you

Even though we fight. Whenever we have, Even when she was going through depression and seeing things and hearing voices and feeling suicidal it was always me in the end holding her and calming things down (but she feels I should do that before the fight escalates and not after going on for about 2-3hours ). I cant seem to do it while she is saying bad things about how it was my fault or complaining about something I did or made her feel but I can do it if she is quiet or even just crying to herself rather than crying and saying crap.

At times to want to feel that even she can take care when I'm pissed and in the middle of the fight. There are times I have not backed down out of a fight only because I want her to come hug me because I feel it should work both ways and I shouldn't always be the one doing it. She does do it but not as often as me and sometimes I don't hug her even if I have calmed down just because I want her to make that move and when she doesn't fulfil that expectation then I get mad again. Hence need to work on this anger and expectation connection.

[talaniman]

Hence need to work on this anger and expectation connection.

Exactly!! I call that PROGRESS! Keep going.

[joypulv]

If you won't go to therapy on your own, or couples' counseling, then I'll say this again: Your ability to control your anger is a SUBSET of the bigger picture.

It isn't just that we don't own each other. We each come as a package, with qualities that you may like and others that you may not like. You can't change each other, but you can NEGOTIATE AND COMPROMISE.
Try this:
Sit down together with papers and pencils. Each of you write down some recent events that made you unhappy on the left side. When the page is half full, stop and read them out loud. Discuss what you can do to trade. TRADE???? Yes! Try it and report back. Try to joke as you do it, even if it's painful.

[praaji]

Will surely try that writing thing. We have sat down and spoken and that seemed to work for me for few days and next fight again I was snapping.Also, my anger isn't just on her. My anger is going crazy even if the internet is slow or bag zipper is stuck . The weird part of our fights nowadays is She tends to remember what hurtful stuff I say when I'm angry but if you ask me what we fought about last week or the week before or last month I honestly don't remember. I don't remember the fights anymore, I just feel there's no point living in that and just move ahead that's why I want to work on my response at THAT moment when things get to me so I don't say something hurtful that she starts holding in her head.Me and my wife have spoken about things and we have discussed things that bother us and she always says she doesn't mind me getting angry or upset or irritated as that's a normal human emotion and doesn't even mind me being angry at the subject I'm angry at. Her main issue is that I pass below-the-belt remarks not related to the fight and about her as a person during the fight. I don't even mean those things but I say it only because I know it will hurt her and I want to win the fight at that point. Need to work on that aspect where I need to be right and need to win. I have grown up with the mentality being told to me to that I need to win and 2nd place is a loser's place and it worked great in terms of academics and career but somehow need to learn to get rid of that attitude in relationships.

[joypulv]

I spend a lot of time arguing about politics and social issues like abortion and religion on Facebook. I NEVER get personal, and I won't have anything to do with people who get personal. Attacking someone that way is a sign of loser, not a winner. It means you can't win an argument based on your logic and reasoning and viewpoint. Can you work on that part of 'winning' separately from your overbearing desire to win, period? DO NOT DEMEAN SOMEONE WHEN ARGUING. Pretend that your wife is a co-worker. In a way, she is. You have an agreement to work together in daily life. Think of her as a partner in a business, in fact. The better you do in that business, the better you will do at your career.
Try the lists on paper once a week for a while, just for 10 minutes each time. See what it means to negotiate compromises in a relationship.

I had to smile reading your sentence about her memory of hurtful stuff and you forgetting it. That's a very, very common complaint of men all over the world. I'm a woman and do it too.

[talaniman]

Giving in to impulse and impatience is your problem, as it is with many of us, and not just in our youth, but for years. Trying to change your bad habits for the good of the big picture, is a frustrating process for many of us, because mainly there can be no instant success, and it's often very emotionally messy, and the hardest thing we do in life... changing ourselves.

It's even harder when you have years of conditioning in bad habits by which to change from. You seem willing to work on yourself so you must also commit to PRACTICING good behavior, even when it goes against your first IMPULSE to fight and win. LEARN to acknowledge your own feelings be they anger, or elation, they are YOURS after all, and neither good nor bad, but the focus is what you DO about those feelings.

Practice when you are mad... just shut the hell up until the feelings pass! Then you won't have those angry words come back to haunt you and she has the FREEDOM to express and vent her bad feelings. Goes to self control and self discipline that is essential to be able to allow the time for your initial feelings to pass and you can think before you speak. It's the difference between ACTING rationally, and thoughtfully, or reacting emotionally.

Always remember that she cannot grow and develop good behavior if YOU cannot, so your own good behavior is the path to winning for you both and not just a feel good temporary short term victory for just YOU. Practice just shutting up, letting her vent, and in time this strategy can become second nature.

Time and practice learning to be cool, calm, and collected when others are caught up in their own emotional insanity.