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CONFUSEDONE · Oct 25, 2006, 07:54 AM

:confused:

I have been with my fiancée for 5 years and he recently has pushed me in the last year 2twice once was about 7 months ago and the other was last night. Im not sure if this is abusive or not? And what I mean by that is the first time when he pushed me he lost his job and he was stressed out and the one last night we have a 5 month old puppy that pooped in the house he got pissed at it and then I was sticking up for the dog so he didn't hurt it... he then started to yell at me and then grabbed my shirt and pushed me... we don't fight too much other then that he tries to be romantic... we are to get married next year... please help me... is this a start of someone that is abusive?

Thank you

Sentra · Oct 25, 2006, 08:04 AM

I suggest you get this nipped in the bud right now. In all honesty, do you ever place a hand on him in a negative way? This is something I ask whether the person asking is male or female. If you do, stop. But regardless, couples shouldn't lay a finger on each other, at all. Yes, things like this can escalate and neither person is deserving of it.

K_3 · Oct 25, 2006, 08:07 AM

Yes, that is definitely abusive behavior. It sounds as though he has an anger issue, and can not control it. Has he been the type to be verbally abusive, short tempered, uncontrolled rage in the last 5 years? If this is a total change of behavior, he may need a physical. You must protect yourself, and not fall into a trap of trying to help him or feel you deserve it. You will get hurt. It will not get better. If he has pushed you, he will get more aggressive as time goes by until one day he will beat you.

Wildcat21 · Oct 25, 2006, 08:07 AM

YES! Once was too many times. This is absolutely abuse.

I bet $1 million he is verbally abusive as well. Most people don't realize verbal abuse unti lit's way too late. Most people can not identify it.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 25, 2006, 08:10 AM

Let me get this straight... you were shoved trying to protect a puppy you sensed he would hurt? I think you know the answer already and very understandably are having trouble fully facing it. That must make you wonder if you can safely have kids with him. It would me.

Strangely enough, in my 20's, I married a man who turned out to be much more clearly abusive than what you are suggesting. I learned it two weeks after our wedding when we acquired a puppy and I saw what he did. To make a long story short, I was so unnerved I got us into counseling where we spent the entire year we were married. I gave up on him at the advise of the counselor and although it was a horrific experience, I learned about how I attracted this from unhealed elements of my past and corrected that. I am one of the lucky ones who escaped.

Granted twice in five years isn't much, nor is a little shoving in light of what abuse can be... but if you are concerned enough to post it here, I would suggest you seek some pre-marital counseling about it and anything else you see as not quite right. I'm with WC in that there is a good chance there is other stuff with this too, stuff you might not even recognise. Its no good going into a marriage with doubts as I see that as a divorce waiting to happen. If he refuses now, then you can pretty much guess what later is like... you know what I mean, jellybean?

CONFUSEDONE · Oct 25, 2006, 08:15 AM

I have never done any physical or verbal abbuse to him.. I have always been good to him. He does threaten me that he is going to leave me.. this has happened so much in last year I just tell him to leave but he hasn't... Last night is scared me though because when he went to push me he must have grabbed my shirt and tugged on me before he pushed me because my shirt you could see where he had pushed me... I used to be over weight... he had called in a fat B**** and then said this is a warning I will kill you... but this doesn't even sound like him... because he has always been sweet and romantic... we have been in this relationship for 5 yrs... I know I should dump him but its hard to dump someone that you have been with for so long

valinors_sorrow · Oct 25, 2006, 08:21 AM

That last post has a lot of earmarks of the "battered spouse syndrome" which you should run, not walk to look into, sweetie.

Sentra · Oct 25, 2006, 08:21 AM

Leave him, before it gets worse. It sounds like he takes his anger out on you in little baby steps, to see how much you will take and the more you take, the more he will do.

If he won't leave you, then leave him; you are strong enough to admit it here to us. Involve your family. Confide in someone you trust. Honey, no one can really help you unless you decide to help yourself to take that first step, and its one you must take.

momincali · Oct 25, 2006, 08:23 AM

Let me be crystal clear on this. A man, this one or any other, should never lay a hand on you unless they are trying to defend their very life. That is the act of an angry coward. It's a push now and one day, take my word, it will become a slap, hit, kick or punch. If you marry him, know that this is what you are signing up for. If you marry him, please tie your tubes, because this is an unconscienable lifestyle to bring a child into.

I am sure there are many women who started where you are now. Even if it was only twice in 7 months, I don't put any weight on that. Please leave him. Talking to him, threatening him, giving him an ultimatum is not going to work. Don't let him sweet talk you. He may promise to never do it again, are you willing to take that chance that next time it won't be worse. What if he's really stressed out and you happen to say the wrong thing? What is he capable of? Don't underestimate him because you love him. When he pushed you, he made a choice. It wasn't a reaction, he knew you were weak and he knew he could take his frustration out on you, that's why he did it again, cause he knew you took it and stayed.

Don't let the fact that you have a wedding date keep you from walking away from this man. If you had a daughter, would you suggest she marry a man who did that and just "hope" it doesn't get worse?

P.S. 5 years is way too long to wait for a creep like this! Don't ask him to leave, make him or have the police make him. File a report. These guys never suffer consequences, that's why they keep doing it.

Wildcat21 · Oct 25, 2006, 08:23 AM

RUN!

" He does threaten me that he is going to leave me" - ABUSE!!

"he had called in a fat B**** and then said this is a warning i will kill you" MASSIVE ABUSE!!

DUMP HIM NOW!!

With these guys it only gets worse. I doubt he would seek help or even think he has a problem!

Please end it. This is not good.

Krs · Oct 25, 2006, 08:24 AM

HUGE RED FLAG...
He is verbally and physically abusing you, he is also threatening you.
Not good, dear.
Be careful.

SINGLE4 · Oct 25, 2006, 08:26 AM

Originally Posted by CONFUSEDONE

I have never done any physical or verbal abbuse to him.. I have always been good to him. He does threaten me that he is going to leave me.. this has happened so much in last year i just tell him to leave but he hasnt... Last night is scared me though because when he went to push me he must have grabbed my shirt and tugged on me before he pushed me because my shirt you could see where he had pushed me... I used to be over weight... he had called in a fat B**** and then said this is a warning i will kill you.... but this doesnt even sound like him... because he has always been sweet and romantic.... we have been in this relationship for 5 yrs.... I know i should dump him but its hard to dump someone that you have been with for so long

Leave him! It isn't going to get any better! If you end up marrying this guy and then have kids with him he very well may do the same to them! You don't want that to happen to them! Please think about your future! I know you love him but... how can you love someone that has no respect for you or your feelings! You deserve someone who will treat you with that same respect!

He is trying to control you! No one has that right! You are the only one that controls you! Get out of this bad relationship before he starts leaving marks on your face or breaks a bone or worse..

Sentra · Oct 25, 2006, 08:31 AM

CONFUSEDONE,

You've got A lot of people here cheering for you, hoping that you will do the right thing which is taking care of yourself, and getting through this. While you are online, look up shelters for battered women/families in the area, get someone on the phone RIGHT NOW and seek help. This is something that shouldn't wait. He is cheating you out of being with someone you can have trust with, and don't have to fear.

Keep us posted, and good luck.

K_3 · Oct 25, 2006, 08:39 AM

Originally Posted by CONFUSEDONE

I have never done any physical or verbal abbuse to him.. I have always been good to him. He does threaten me that he is going to leave me.. this has happened so much in last year i just tell him to leave but he hasnt... Last night is scared me though because when he went to push me he must have grabbed my shirt and tugged on me before he pushed me because my shirt you could see where he had pushed me... I used to be over weight... he had called in a fat B**** and then said this is a warning i will kill you.... but this doesnt even sound like him... because he has always been sweet and romantic.... we have been in this relationship for 5 yrs.... I know i should dump him but its hard to dump someone that you have been with for so long

Are you saying in the previous 5 years he has not gotten out of control even by yelling, or seeming out of control and angry? If he has totally changed overnight and no signs of this kind of behavior in 5 years, he may need to see a doctor.

BIM · Oct 25, 2006, 08:41 AM

I wouldn't contemplate this any longer. Get out NOW! Who cares if you are getting married next year--at this rate you may have worse troubles ahead.

Stop with any excuses before it is too late. This relationship is a train wreck waiting to happen.

If you have to stop him from hurting the dog, imagine what you would have to do for any children you could have.

Be careful:(

talaniman · Oct 25, 2006, 09:12 AM

Sorry, but if he has scary issues now do you think marrying him will make them go away? Trust me it will get much worse and unless he is willing to address his issues then marriage should be out of the question. After 5 years you should be able to discuss your fears and make a stand to ensure YOUR safety. DO this before tying the knot.

Wildcat21 · Oct 25, 2006, 09:55 AM

Right with you Talaniman - once he has you completely - look out!

velvetjones · Oct 25, 2006, 10:06 AM

Originally Posted by CONFUSEDONE

:confused:

I have been with my fiancee for 5 years and he recently has pushed me in the last year 2twice once was about 7 months ago and the other was last night. Im not sure if this is abusive or not? and what i mean by that is the first time when he pushed me he lost his job and he was stressed out and the one last night we have a 5 month old puppy that pooped in the house he got pissed at it and then i was sticking up for the dog so he didnt hurt it... he then started to yell at me and then grabbed my shirt and pushed me.... we dont fight to much other then that he tries to be romantic... we are to get married next year.... please help me.... is this a start of someone that is abusive?

thank you

It sounds like he has an abusive history that you may have been overlooking. Could get even more dangerous. I am afraid for you.