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Cristal444 · Dec 15, 2007, 12:35 PM

How do you feel about a couple that wants to adopt asking others to give them money to help pay for it?

Does your opinion change if you know they already have 2 biological children of their own, and underwent a voluntary sterilization a few years ago?

mjl · Dec 15, 2007, 12:38 PM

Honesly, if you can't afford to adopt how are you going to afford to raise the child?

Fr_Chuck · Dec 15, 2007, 03:01 PM

Adoption is far to costly in the US for the procedure, and wanting to adopt is a wonderful thing, people with 4 kids can always make room for one more if they have the love for the child.

Personally my wife and I would have adopted, we make a OK income but to come up with the 10,000 or more normally needed in legal and court fees, we just could never do it.

So I think it is wonderful Idea, and I hope their friends and family all chip in to help.

The foster care and child welfare systems in the US are made to make it hard to adopt, it works to often keep kids in the system or return to them family which may often be borderline. This is why there are so many kids in the system, if it was easier and cheaper, almost all would have good homes.

s_cianci · Dec 15, 2007, 03:17 PM

I'll have to admit, their wanting to adopt after having 2 biological children and then one of them getting sterilized definitely raises suspicion (unless the wife/mother got sterilized out of medical necessity ; perhaps her condition is such that it'd be dangerous for her to carry any more children), especially since they're asking for donations to finance it. Unfortunately adoptions are used as a common front for running money scams such as what this potentially is. One could reasonably argue that if they need help paying the adoption expenses then they can't afford to raise another child. An adoption of a newborn by a married couple doesn't cost an inordinate amount of money as it is ; a few hundred $$ for a lawyer, that's about it.

s_cianci · Dec 15, 2007, 03:24 PM

we make a OK income but to come up with the 10,000 or more normally needed in legal and court fees, we just could never do it.

$10,000? You really sure about that, Fr. At $250/hour you're talking 40 hours worth of lawyerwork. An adoption shouldn't entail that much paperwork and court time (unless the adoption is being contested, in which case that's a whole different situation.)

The foster care and child welfare systems in the US are made to make it hard to adopt, it works to often keep kids in the system or return to them family which may often be borderline. This is why there are so many kids in the system, if it was easier and cheaper, almost all would have good homes.

You may have a point here. However I think the issues concerning kids being kept in the system are more political than financial.

shygrneyzs · Dec 15, 2007, 04:49 PM

I don't think any less of that couple. Their reasons to adopt - the heart is big enough to hold love for many. I underwent a so called voluntary sterilzation - of sorts - when I had a hysterectomy (I was only 34). Now I could have stuck out my health issues for another few years but it was getting so bad I could not maintain a daily routine.

What difference does this couple make to you? What are you annoyed about anyway? That they are asking for donations or that one was sterilized a few years ago? Why bother worrying about either? Is their personal affairs an obstacle in your life? If so, why?

Cristal444 · Dec 15, 2007, 05:03 PM

Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

I don't think any less of that couple. Their reasons to adopt - the heart is big enough to hold love for many. I underwent a so called voluntary sterilzation - of sorts - when I had a hysterectomy (I was only 34). Now I could have stuck out my health issues for another few years but it was getting so bad I could not maintain a daily routine.

What difference does this couple make to you? What are you annoyed about anyways? That they are asking for donations or that one was sterilized a few years ago? Why bother worrying about either? Is their personal affairs an obstacle in your life? If so, why?

I am simply curious what others think of this, that's all. I never said it made a difference to me, that I am annoyed or worried about it, or that it is an obstacle in my life in any way. I am simply curious to see what the consensus is among what I assume to be a cross-section of people.

shygrneyzs · Dec 15, 2007, 05:09 PM

You can be assured that any agency they go through will do a thorough screening and evaluation of the couple. There are home meetings, inspections, a personality inventory assessment, talking to the children (to get their feelings and objections - if any), character references, meeting with a psychologist, etc. Everything possible is covered from background checks to finances.

Cristal444 · Dec 15, 2007, 05:14 PM

Well, on this topic...

What if a couple asks for (and gets) some of the money needed for adoption, but not enough? If they can't come up with the rest of the money, do they then have an obligation to give back money that was donated to them?

shygrneyzs · Dec 15, 2007, 05:21 PM

Yes, they have a moral and ethical obligation to refund that money. Legally? I do not know. What happens if they spend that money on lawyers and it is eaten up? Those things happen. My daughter and son-in-law have been trying to adopt for three years now and got to the top of the list not too long ago. The young woman agreed to the adoption and even made it to the hospital and post delivery. My daughter and her husband had paid a major portion of costs for her health care during her pregnancy and delivery. The day after the baby was born, the young woman's Dad shows up and tells his daughter that he forgave her and wants her and the baby to come home.
Well, you can figure out what happened. Which I hope turned out well for the young woman and her child.

But my daughter and her husband were out over $10,000.00 (including the attorney fees).

I guess if I were that couple and people donated money and then the adoption fell through, I would personally contact each donor and explain what happened. Explain that the money would be refunded. Also explain any costs incurred and verify those costs (so people do not think they were snookered into a scam). Maybe some of the donors would say to let it go but some might still want their money back.

Synnen · Dec 16, 2007, 07:14 PM

I guess to me, it depends on a lot of things.

The biggest thing, though, is--are they trying to adopt an infant?

If so--I think they are being greedy and tacky to ask for money from others. They HAVE 2 children already. There are others desperate to adopt ONE child so that they can be parents. And EVERYONE wants an infant. If they really just wanted to have another child to love, there are THOUSANDS in the foster care system.

To me--the whole idea is as tacky as a couple asking for money from their friends and family (or church, or community, or whatever) to pay their hospital bill after giving birth.

YES, adoption is costly--but having looked at both adoption and IVF, the price is about the same: approximately $20k. I'd feel actually ashamed to ask anyone to help pay for me to become a parent.

oneguyinohio · Dec 16, 2007, 07:50 PM

I don't feel that there is a problem in asking for help from friends. Some friends would be honored to help in such a situation. I compare it to people giving gifts to a new baby in the family, or putting aside money for a child to go to college as a gift to new parents. I don't think there should be any expectation that the money will be returned if they are not successful... how many people give back presents from a wedding if a divorce follows down the road... or return baby shower gifts if the unfortunate happens.

The fact that the parents have children and underwent sterilization would not change my opinion. They obviously feel they have room in their heart, and maybe they didn't want to bring another child into the world when they know that many children need to be adopted.

I would bast the gift on your feelings of if they are good parents to the children they have, and how much you want to help, as well as what you can afford for the request. If you want to, you could ask to be informed what the portion of your gift is used for, or maybe less tacky would be to pay for some specific portion of the total if possible.

I have never asked friends for money, because I did not want to put those pressures on others, but I have willingly helped out when asked by family and friends if I was in a position to do so, and believed it to be worthwhile. Have friends helped me without my asking, yes, and it was truly appreciated.

They do need to be extra careful with their arrangements in the matter, and make sure to investigste the risks carefully as far as the potential loss of their money, and possible unexpected ex[enses that might arise in the process. Talking to others who have gone the route they are planning, etc...