If, for instance, the thing that made me happy was to frequent strip joints to watch naked woman, or drink myself stupid every night or visit ex-girlfriends. I am quite sure my wife wouldn't like that, so I wouldn't do it... simple

Now your just being a complete ---- ---.

Clickaus those examples are completely different and your grasping at straws now just to justify your attitude towards your wife.

Now do us all a favor and get a divorce before she does actually leave you because of your Controlling ways.

EVERYTHING YOUR WIFE DOES CAUSES YOU PROBLEMS. And I mean EVERYTHING. You will never be happy and you will die a lonely man.

I feel sorry for you.

Do you still have the gps on her phone? I don't believe for one moment
You just stumbled upon her and Kevin at the mall by accident. I think you are still spying and watching every move she makes. You grill her like she's on the witness stand. That's why she doesn't tell you everything. I don't know why you married her if you were going to make her an object instead of a wife.

Clickaus, this is what bothers me. You don't know how to process seeing your wife in the mall. It doesn't matter who she is with or if she is alone. Your first thought should be happiness at seeing seeing her and wanting to go up to her or if you can't at that moment calling her. Letting her know you saw her and you wish you could have stopped long enough to give her a hug and could you met up in a little bit when your errand is over. Perhaps even asking if she wanted to join you in line to share a few minutes.

Where did your mind go? The outcome was you setting her up. You want her to be honest, but you aren't.

You seem to have problems if she talks to any male other than you. I honestly don't think you could handle her working in a flower shop and advising men on what flowers to get.

Yes, she was a medical practitioner in China. It means that she has a deep-seated need to help people. She can't do what she is trained to do at this moment. Learning Massage and Acupressure are about as close as she can get without practicing any type of medicine without a license. You see it as a sex industry. She doesn't.

Hi Cat. You seem to have a more of an insight whereas Kat and Jesushelper appear to be on the attack.
I wanted to join her at the Mall but I hesitated as, believe it or not, I actually considered her feelings. Because I know she knows me I didn't go up to them as I thought her instance thought would be 'Oh I didn't tell him I would be here meeting Kevin, how will he react', so I wanted to avoid the awkwardness, instead I had hoped she would just let me know in conversation about her day, just as if I get a message from my friend during the day I would tell my wife during dinner conversation, no secret no hiding the fact. As is happened when I called her to explain I was on an errand in the mall I told her I was inline and that if she was around could join me... she called later to say she was on her way after the supermarket... I gave her a hug on meeting. I would be more comfortable with her in a flower shop.. no customers there will be stripping down to their underwear expecting body contact with oils... She spent the day at the Massage shop in the shopping mall and she told me about her day.. I was OK. We discussed the fact that there is a service for full body but she explained that the other staff take care of that. She just wants to learn Trad Chinese which is head, neck and shoulders.. I was surprising OK after the chat.. I just want her to be careful in not putting herself into dangerous situations... Just a month ago a guy in the city was charged with 8 counts of rape.. he had a massage shop where women would go just for a simple massage or acupuncture.. scary.


Thanks Cat

Clickus.. I can't help you anymore... Good luck

It is NOT AN ATTACK. It is called facing reality which your not willing to do. Being TRUTHFUL about your situation. Telling you what your going to do in your marriage and what is going to happen and what is happening. You can not really handle the reality of the situation and you can not see the truth. Kind of tough but you lashing out on people who are not coddling you and telling you that the things your doing to your wife is okay. It is really tough noodles if you like what I say or not.

Clickus... Listen to the experts. I'm not an expert but I gave you an opinion I thought would help you.

I am unsubscribing from this thread. Listen to the experts, they know what they're talking about.

Clickus I have to say this because I've been following the thread and it might help to hear this. (long but bear with me). It sounds like you are justifying the length to which you go to tract your wife by saying you are concerned for her safety. I think you know intuitively that what you are doing is wrong so you find reason that sound ligit to justify your actions. What you are doing to her is wrong. No free person should be staked, it is against basic human rights and, I think it is in a sense as abusive as locking her in the house. You have no right to do it.

Love is ideally an emotion that is freely offered and gratefully received and freely returned. It is true that people in love should accommodate their partners reasonable request to avoid activities that bring discomfort; the operative word is reasonable.

We would all like to control the person we feel romantic love for but since each individual is free, a mature lover is aware that trust makes love grow not bondage and violation of personal liberty. By respecting the autonomy of the person you love you avoid the relationship becoming one of control which kills love and emotional connection. Your actions are those of a person who seems to have a distorted view of the limitations and boundaries in a relationship.

It may be difficult to hear that the relationship is not destined to survive from experts and to be told so emphatically. But hear it you must. It may sound harsh, but it is a determined and committed effort to help you since you are looking for help and make you stop and think of how you are destroying any chance of love and connection with your wife.

People who are relationship experts can predict the future of relationships believe it or not. They know through experience, study and observations what works over the long run and what fails. I am not an expert but even I can see that they are right.

I know this though - Human nature being what it is, we all have core needs in a love relationship, in part those are trust, respect, communication, transparency, honesty and openness to be known and accepted. An emotional bond forms only with a person who can accept who you are and be honest and forthright.

You relationship with your wife seems to have none of these qualities. She does not appear to be emotionally bonded to you because you censure her and watch her, doubt her and play games, are are dishonest with her. She has been fortunate in finding solace and friendship with Kevin.

Relationship experts know what makes people stay together out of love and they are trying to tell you that all the signs point to no possibility of love and emotional bonding with your wife if you insist that you are justified in you surveillance of her.

You have ignored every excellent suggestion that the people posting have given you out of a sincere effort to help you. There is some exasperation expressed because you are so adamant in going about solutions the wrong way.

It is like watching a person going in front of a train insisting that it will not injure them. People are shouting at you to get you to stop. Please don't take it the wrong way, none has been unkind to you. You want to hear that everything will be all right but it will not and for someone to see you going wrong and takes the time and effort to tell you what you don't want to hear is the best kind of help you can get.

Open your eyes and see that the advice you are being given in its true light. Have faith that you have been granted the help you requested. In a way it is a gift, don't turn it away.

You need to buck up and get some confidence. Is this marriage based on love, or is this a situation where she saw you coming and needed someone to "take care of her" and her daughter. If you don't feel physically attractive to her, then do something about it. Believe me most of us have experienced something in our lives that make us feel like we don't measure up, but you can either sh** or get off the pot and start walking.
Oh, I also wouldn't put anything into her name, until you work out how this new marriage is really based on!! ---good luck

Thanks Allie, apologies to everyone.
I am just afraid, so afraid. I hate the thought of her turning to someone else rather than me, that's is why I am so guarded but I can see that may push her away... I have a question that I don't know the answer to... What is trust? How do you give it and show it without jeopardising one's own feelings and security


I do love my wife and yes I find her attractive in every aspect. I cannot imagine my life without her now.

You can't.

Trusting someone is taking a risk. It is allowing them past your defenses and into your heart (in the case of loving someone). Yeah, you can end up hurt. You can also end up experiencing one of the most special things on Earth-Love.

Trust is giving your love with the expectation that the person you love has your best interest at heart and returns your love. You have to get to know the person to be able to tell if they will return your love and avoid people who you predict will not. The onus in on the person who is has made themselves vulnerable by giving their love to have picked the receiver carefuly or they get hurt since you can't make someone trustworthy you have to chose a trustworthy person.

You're insecure, suspicious and desperate because you don't know her and you have no way of knowing if she is trustworthy or not. In a nutshell, you're suffering the consequences of not doing your homework in choosing a woman to marry. It too late now to evaluate her trustworthiness and stalking her will not insure that she is. She either is or isn't, it's your mistake not hers.

Think about it are you really in love with her or the her that you dreamed and hoped she would be? In my opinion you cannot love someone you don't know. Don't spiral down any further and loose your self-respect. Leave this relationship and find someone who you have gotten to know and trust that they return your love. Before giving your love this next time, get to know the person and make sure they are trustworthy.

Only you know if you have made this mistake in past failed relationships. It's not that you are not lovable, your are just making mistakes that are fixable, so take some comfort in that. It's in your control to fix then you will find someone who returns your love. Isn't that good to know, so have faith.

I have said this before but I'm going to repeat it. You two have got locked into an unhealthy cycle. You are trying to control your wife due to your own insecurities. Your wife is lying to you to avoid the constant hassle. I know you are going to counselling to work on your issues. I do believe strongly that you need to continue this. However, I think your wife needs to stop her behaviour of keeping secrets. I think she does this to avoid triggering your issues, but it isn't actually working anyway, and may well be contributing in holding back your ability to learn to trust. The fact that she feels unable to be honest with you is itself testament to how effective your control of her has become, not a good thing. She herself would benefit from being able to free herself from this pattern.

Get some counselling together to break this cycle.

This whole thread has been about your insecurity, jealous fantasies & dread of losing her.

Serious trust issues.

In 34 pages, have you not learned anything. Maybe professional help is the ticket.

If she's in fact devoted & honest, then you will only push her away if you keep it up.

It's a cycle you got to stop now. Whether is with her or anyone else.

I agree... the two of you should seek professional help together. This has gone on long enough and your marriage will not survive nor thrive until you both work together to make some changes.

It is obvious you are not able to work passed your feelings on your own. I know it is hard when you have been cheated on before... any new thing causes anxiety because you don't want to go through that pain again, it is understandable, but you have to see what a vicious cycle you are in.

She needs to be able to see how her actions and words actually fuel the situation and you need to see how your past experiences poison your current relationship.

Get into couples therapy NOW and learn some tools to get it sorted out once and for all. It will take time, you will fall back into old ways of thinking once in awhile, but if you want this marriage to thrive, and be the kind of relationship you desire, you have to put in the work to foster change.

Otherwise, separate and end the drama... unless of course you find a comfort in it. I know too that some people will continue being on the look out for any possible sign of indiscretion from their partner so that they can be right.

On one hand you don't want anything to be going on, and would feel horrified it there were, but on the other hand you have a need to feel justified in your suspicions, sort of an "Aha!, I knew it all along".

Sadly, that way of thinking, however, will keep you from the very thing you are wanting... a loving, trusting, and fulfilling marriage.

Take the first step... decide to make a change.

Excellent point - his communicating honestly with his wife so she knows how her actions effect him.

If she doesn't feel that you trust her and you constantly react suspicious or badly to things then she will continue to hide everything from you, innocent or not, to save the drama. She is a also grown woman, your wife and doesn't want to feel she is answering to a parent all the time. This is a big turn off. Take it from a woman who's been there.

Nice post. It sounds like he already knew he was going to be jealous with her.