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I work he doesn't- why does he get mad at me over money?
My husband has been out of work for a year. I make a decent living but I also work on contracts fo rthe Gov't and since htose are bein gpulled daily- I may not have a job for very long. My husband handles the money and he does a wonderful job for the most part- but he gets mad a tme for every penny that I spend. He keeps the checking acocunt so limited ( he puts everything in a seperate savings) except for the bill money. If I spend anything- he gets upset and says that i should have checked the account to make sure there was money in there. Now that makes sense except that even for a 10.00 purchase I have to check the account? For every little thing- I have to check the account beforehand. I do not spend a lot of money- especially on myself My job requires that I look professional and yet- I do not ever get my nails done, I only buy clothes/ shoes that are on sale and very rarely ( most of the time it is my mom buying me presents or b-day money- I am 36 years old- UGH!) - I understand that my husband is trying to good things and I feel guilty because he does everythng around the house, but I find myself being a little resentful becasue if he was working we wouldnt have to watch every penny so close but he says that would not solve anything- it would just make us spend more and end up in moore debt. I am so tired of having to ask permission or justify every cent when I work hard and make all the money- HElp!!!!
The thing is, he may not say it, but it seems he is a little jealous that he cannot spend any money at all. Just sit down and talk about. Tell him, you are a responsible adult, and though, you understand he is trying to protect the funds, that there has to be boundaries. Set up a budget you can both agree on.
For example, After the bills are paid, you have $400 of extra money left over, you are allowed to spend $100 of it! End of story, no agruments. But, by being the responsible adult, follow the rules strictly, and he cannot complain as it is the rules. Even if you do not make a constant amount, try using a percentage.
Obviously you're aware of how much money you've got coming in. Are you aware of how much is going out? Is your husband doing things on a budget? The simple concept is, expenses can't exceed income. I know that sounds like common sense but a lot of people can't seem to grasp or put into practice that simple concept. Sit down with your husband and together work out a budget. He should know pretty much what your ordinary expenses are, such as utilities, housing , etc. In that budget include a personal allowance for yourself. Also include a certain amount for savings. Cut back on other expenses if necessary.
He keeps the checking acocunt so limited ( he puts everything in a seperate savings) except for the bill money. If I spend anything- he gets upset and says that i should have checked the account to make sure there was money in there. Now that makes sense except that even for a 10.00 purchase I have to check the account? For every little thing- I have to check the account beforehand.
How much money besides household expenses does he spend?
If you do check the balance and the money is 'there', does he still get upset about you buying anything?
Something to find out is how much is going into savings and how much is going into the checking for bills and other needs? Do those amounts match up to your full paycheck?
Why is he out of work? Do you have children he takes care? Is this a recent development? Did his parents have problems with money while he was growing up? Does he 'budget' anything for you for work expenses like looking professional?
I will admit that putting money aside for if something should happen to your job sounds like a good idea, however, his insistence that if HE got a job it would just make you spend more sounds like a control issue.
You definitely need to sit down and have a discussion about jobs and money. If there is even a slight chance that you might lose your income, he needs to start looking for work now to ensure that there is a steady income coming in should the worst happen.
The thing is, he may not say it, but it seems he is a little jealous ...
Very true. It might also mean that your husband might be suffering from inferiority complex. So he might be trying to be the one 'In Control'. This issue needs to be handled carefully, BOTH on the financial side and on the emotional side as well!!
First and foremost, just like everyone has suggested, both of you must sit down and work on a budget and personal allowance (like say, 30% of whatever monthly savings is for You and You only, and you get to decide what to do with it.), and then just stick to it.
On the emotional side, it might be a bit tricky. First come to a situation where your husband is open to talk, and then
--Make him understand that even you are equally concerned about money, and gain his trust on you. This will give you the freedom to spend on Necessary things.
--If you have the slightest hint that he is feeling inferior to you on the inside, give him confidence that it is not so. And be genuine in that.
--Get him to work. Work for a man is essential. Be supportive to him in finding one.
--Be calm and patient and handle him with care. Men need emotional support and acceptance as well. NEVER EVER GIVE HIM THE FEELING THAT HE IS A STEP BELOW YOU.
Try it, your situation might change for the better.
appreciate the helpful suggestions but I would not be here asking this question if I had not already tried everything- we have tried goin gover a budget- I get so much put in another account just for me but then he expects me to pay for everything out of this little bit I get, from Dry cleaning, my lunch, clothes, toiletries, etc.. I know this seems fair but the amount I get is not nearly enough to cover this. So if i go to the grocery store and spend/ buy something he does not think we need he gets upset but he can go and get whatever he wants - no questions ( granted- he does not spend foolishly) but i dont either and I have worked hard to get where I am and I don think i should have to ask permission for every little thing or feel like i am in trouble because i spent 40.00 at the grocery store instead of 20.00.
yes- he stays at home- he is very helpful with the chores around the house. He takes our daughter to soccer practice, etc.. He is great but he is very anal and therefore he does the cleaning and such around the house because he needs to do it for himself- granted- we benefit from it.
He is far from a dead beat anything- he does not go out with friends, he does not have any hobbies that take him away from the family, he does not drink except on occasion, he does not smoke-- and this is why I do feel guilty about the way I feel but I do no tdo any of hte above things either - pretty much the only thing we fight about is money and the fact that everything has to be his way- I was on my own at 17 and think of myself as a very independant person but over the years I have begun to question myself and have allowed him to take the control. He does not like to be questioned and it has to be his way. When it comes to money- he has kept us out of debt ( for the most part) during the time he has been laid off- but our life is built around needing the 2 incomes. I feel like I have worked very hard to put myself through school, to get where I am and we are still in square one- not being able to enjoy the hard work because he is sitting at home ans still controlling every penny- havent I earned some fun, some freedom with the money I have worked so hard for????
I think it might be time to check into marriage counseling.
You are questioning yourself and your own judgement and that is not healthy. It sounds like, slowly, you have given him more control and it is quickly (if it hasn't already) becoming a lopsided partnership. You should be able to work together to find compromises and ways that work for both of you.
He may be doing a lot around the house and in taking care of your (plural) daughter, however, it seems to be less of a way of supporting the household and more of a way of taking control of the marriage. The comment that you said he made about not finding a job because 'it would just make us spend more and end up in moore debt' sounds like an excuse to do things his way.
I hope you find a way to work together on this subject.
I have been out of work for a year but my partner works full time.
I am completely obsessed with our budget, I account for every single penny.
For me it is because I feel guilty about not bringing home any money and want to make sure all the bills are covered and we don't fall into debt because of silly little expenses that add up.
Getting interested in a hobby helped me, I do art projects and sell them online to bring in a little extra cash, my partner sure is pleased that I'm not on his back as much about money as I was a few months ago.
First come to a situation where your husband is open to talk, and then
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