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I will try and make this simple. Me 55, my wife 54. Me no kids, she 3 adult kids 19, 20, 25I am her 4th husband. This is my second marriage. We have been married 6 years.
When we met she had been divorced since 1995 from a Physician. She was married to him for 10 years. Prior to that she was married twice at a very young age and they did not last. I think her issues have been lifelong depression related to a large degree.
She was living with a guy for a few years before we met but he was a flake in the end and she ended the relationship. One of her friends, Mark introduced them Mark will be central to this discussion in a bit.
After we met she wanted me to help her with her cell phone bills, back in the day where there were a million packages. Thought nothing more of it. By the way I have an almost photographic memory when it comes to numbers.
Several years into our marriage, I discovered she had an e-mail address that was her old e-mail, not her new married name one. She left it open one night and there was a guy e-mailing her as though she was not married, and yet he kniew she was. He would ask her to meet for "adult beverages" and once asked to meet her for a "re-union" at a local Marriot. I got suspicions, but instead of bringing it up, tried to become a spy and put a GPS in her car.
One day while I was doing some work for HER family, she goes over to this guys house for 3 hours. He was newly divorced and a multi-millionaire. I also put a tape recorder in her car. Long story short I was livid and brought it up. This was probably the wrong move as I should have kept my temper. Any way, she realized that I must have had some kind of tracking device in her car and found it. So I became the bad guy not her.
Previously she explained that this person was just a long time friend, which was partially true, but here is the Number part. On her phone bill, before we met they used to call each other 15-20 times a day, early in the morning at work etc. So I knew he was more than a friend. She finally admitte that she saw him before we were married and that had a sexual involvement for 8 months or so. He was seperated at the time. I was very uncomfortable with the whole deal.
I put another tracking device in her car, and they would meet for lunch often, but I never really caught her at anything, just became very suspicious and jealous. She said I could not tell her who her friends should be and she never did anything wrong. I did not tell her that I had recorded a conversation in her car between the two, when she left his place. He asked her when he could see her again and she said "on Friday nights when my husband is out of town." Those words stuck forever.
Needless to say I got busted again when she found the second tracking device and a tape recorder. So now she does not truse me. I blew over eventually when the guy moved away to another state. However, he keeps e-mailing her now at work and asks to meet her in Vegas etc. spring break whatever. She just tells me she never responds and that is just the kind of guy he is.
While I was worried about him, it turns out that I find out she meets this OTHER guy, her best friend from above, they meet at a shopping center and they drive away in his car to get lunch. This guy is newly married and all I know is they would go out to eat. ONce though, while his wife was out of town they did go to his house for a few hours. They would call each other once a week or so. She never tried to cover up his phone calls.
About three years ago his wife called our house and demanded that my wife stop seeing him. I never said I knew about it because I did not think anything was going on, but could never prove it either way. They did stop all contact with each other and I am 100% sure of this.
Back to the millionaire guy. A few months ago he had a friend die who lived here. He e-mailed my wife and said he was going to Houston, you only live once in life, why does she not meet him there for a few days???? I got pissed again, lost my cool. Of course I had to reveal that I had her work e-mail which she did not know. I also, had this guy's e-mail password. Again, I became wrong because I was spying on her, and she said nothing ever happened. I told her it was at the least inappropriate.
Now to the worst........I put a very very hidden gps in her car, and she ends up going to her friends house (the one whose wife told them to break it off) for hours, and hours. I got upset again confronted her, and of course had to reveal I had a third gps. They also went to lunch a couple of times and she did go by his place for a few hours each time.
Needless to say she was totally livid that I was spying on her again. THE WORST PART is yet to come.....Why did she go over there to see him. Turns out his wife died of skin cancer, and this is for real. I felt really bad of course and now have become the total bad guy in all this.
From her standpoint she feels I had no reason to ever be upset, jealous or suspicious because never did anything wrong. A few weeks ago I put a recorder in her car to see what is really going on and it seems like they are just friends, but I am still uncomfortable.
They have been seeing each other every other week or so fo lunch. She has not told me and I know because I have a 4th gps in her car which she will never discover. She still says they are friends nothing more. She has told him about some of these goings on (not about the other millionaire guy though oddly).
I ran into her friend the other day at the grocery store, and he says, they are nothing but friends, not to worry, and that romance ruins friendships.
What do I make of all of this. She almost threw me out because she says I have always over reacted. Maybe I have. I have told her she should have told the millionaire guy in no uncertain terms that she was happily married, and for him not to be in contact with her anymore. She again says I cannot tell her who her friends are.
She did not tell me she was married three times before until after we were married. She only told me she was only married once.
You however, do need your privacy, and you have to be trusted by your spouse and vice versa.
I am not normally the suspicious type, but she kept her old e-mail after we got married and communicated with her millionaire freind very regularly, and his conversation was always meet me somehere when I am in town, can you meet me in Scottsdale, etc...of course me never there.
I personally would not go to lunch or out with a female friend. It does not just seem right.
What a crazy situation. I do agree with Jake in everything she says. You need to stop the spying. Your spending more time and money on trying to find her cheating, then you are on her and your marriage. Take that money your wasting and buy her some flowers, dinner, a movie, jelwery. I dont know but your just making yourself crazy it seems. You seem like your not going to stop until you find her cheating. Like you want it to happen almost. Focus on her and your marriage. Your pushing her away doing these stalker things.
As for her, well I do think she is wrong. I think it is a bit fishy how she acts. If she is only friends with these men why cant you be involved? Why is it a seperate thing from the marriage? I agree with the others she should not be doing this. Your both driving each other away from the marriage and should be focusing on it instead.
You need to sit her down and talk about this with her. Maybe her actions is why she has been married 4 times, but maybe not. Find out where this is going with her and if she isnt willing to involve you with these friends then maybe she should find a 5th husband. I see you continuing to spy like a stalker and her meeting her friends like she does. It has to stop.
I don't think anybody is saying Dogsled, that you don't have valid points, and reason to be concerned.
I would be suspicious if my husband had anything questionable that I found out about, phone calls, messages etc. But, I wouldn't track him with GPS, or go to the lengths you have to find 'the truth', because that is terribly invasive and most likely undeserved.
Sunflower has said try different approaches. Take her out for lunch, dinner, have some fun together, work on your relationship. It will become apparent soon enough if she is in fact messing around on you.
Enlist the help of a counsellor so you can figure out how to communicate with her. If she is doing anything, you may have played a part in this by pushing her away with your insecurities. What may have been an innocent lunch with a friend, has turned into a safe haven from your accusations, and spying.
If you keep this up, you won't have a marriage in my opinion. No matter what is wrong, you cannot blame her if the marriage falls apart, and you've done nothing constructive to address the issues. Those being communication and trust.
She needs to be able to tell you the truth, and you have to listen. You need to tell her why you are suspicious, and you need to listen. The two of you have to set some reasonable boundaries for privacy that you can both live with. She doesn't need to be tracked, recorded and spied on, and you don't need to feel that you have to do so in order to prove a point.
Please set aside some time and seek out an unbiased third party to address your concerns. If all fails and you cannot reconcile your differences, you need to move on, find your own way with a more compatable mate, and leave the past, in the past.
Yeah I think if I over heard my bf talking about meeting up with a girl I would right that day say ''I was thinking of us going to {somewhere your wife can't pass up} tonight.
If she makes excuses that she can't then you know where you stand.
I think everyone agrees you should put your energy in to the marriage and your wife and spending your time with her. Stop spending your time on her and tracking her every move. You would know her every move if you spent more time and effort on her. At this point it sounds as though your driving her away and if you keep it up, one day it may be to late.
I think the handwriting's on the wall. I very rarely say this but your saving grace is that there are no children involved and presumably not too many marital assets. It'd be a pretty simple thing to end it under no-fault laws. Hopefully she won't marry a 5th. And I'd think long and hard about marrying a 3rd.
it definately sounds like she is up to something and it cant be good. my husband keeps a close eye on me to. and it drives me nuts. but i know he loves me and is just very overprotective of me. although i havent really given him a reason not to trust me. i did have guy friends just like your wife does. but when i got married my husband is my only male friend. i dont have any reason to want to hang out with any other guy friends and neither should your wife. i would be very suspisious. talk to her. maybe talk about marriage counseling
Wow, this sounds like a tricky comment to reply to but, I will make this quick [/b] NO. of course not. girls can have boy friends just like you, can have girl friends
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