My wife and I have been married for seventeen years. We have had a good marriage but I admit that a couple of years ago I got wrapped up in work and was not always attentive to her or our daughter. I’ll be the first to admit that it was wrong and I know that I will never do it again. My wife had a male friend that she has known since high school. They have been friends for about twenty six years. My wife has told me that their relationship has always been platonic. However she does say that he is her best friend.
I know that during the time that I was concentrating on my work, she confided in him that we were having marital problems. He lived about two hours away and they talked on the phone every single day (usually four or more times a day) for about two and a half months straight. I know he heard only the negative things about me. So he had no respect for me and did not like me.
One day when I saw the cell phone bill and realized what was going on, I confronted her about it. This was what made me realize that I had been a complete fool for not being a good husband and father. I told her that I would change and asked if she would stop talking to the guy so much. She stopped, but only for a short while.
A few weeks later, while cleaning up around the house, I found some notes that she had written to the guy (I don’t believe he ever saw them). Nothing really horrible, but they did sound like she had feelings for the guy that was more than just wanting to be friends. I asked my wife about them and she admitted that she had some feelings for the guy, but she had written them over a year ago and she had “worked through it”. My wife told me that she has always been faithful to me and that the notes were nothing.
At about the same time the guy had moved in with another woman. I know my wife kept in touch and even went to see them from time to time. They wound up having a bad breakup and they split apart.
Late last year the guy moved to our city to start a new job. It turns out that his new job and apartment are about five minutes from where my wife works. I knew that they were going out to lunch frequently from debit card transactions. I was a little concerned but figured its just lunch and they are just talking. Recently, I came across some credit card receipts and discovered that my wife had paid for the first two months of his rent. She had paid for a rental car for him when his card had broken down. I know that he asked my wife to pay for his car repairs to the tune of about $2500. My wife told me this only after I asked. I also know that he comes to my wife every month for money. Basically he tells her how much he needs and my wife gives him cash. I have never stopped to figure up a total, but I estimate that in the five months he has lived here, my wife has given him several thousand dollars. And the total continues to increase every month.
To this day, I know that they go out together every week and usually Saturday night to skate. They ride bicycles together. This usually means lunch and/or dinner afterwards. They frequently have lunch together during the week. My wife always pays. My wife goes over to his apartment every week. Although this makes me very uncomfortable and I have asked my wife several times not to. She still does it any way.
All of this has caused some bitter arguments between my wife and me. I don’t mind her having a male friend. But some of this makes me really uncomfortable. So after all of this information, here are my questions:
Am I wrong to feel like I have lost my wife?
Is it wrong to ask her not to go to his apartment alone?
Is it wrong to ask her to stop giving him money every month?
What options do I have?
I love my wife dearly, but all of this is ripping me to pieces. And it is beginning to affect my job and I can’t seem to think about anything else.
Nothing is over yet.. It's absolutely normal you feel like this. I have a girlfriend, i love her a lot and i know how it is to be hurt.. In your case, you are married for 17 years, you have a daughter and it's terrible and really hard. You have the full right to tell her not to go alone.
After all YOU are the man of the house. Seems like she's given more importance to her friend than you. Well, am not an expert in relationship but still I'd like to share a little. Try to be more concern about her, be romantic, take her out, make her enjoy life with you...Give yourself entirely to her. Then later start to talk about her friend, show how much you love her, you need her and you don't want to lose her... Tell her how you feel when she meets her friend.
Be honest to her and a good communication is important. You must have patience. What you can do, try to meet your wife's friend and show him that you are a nice man and that you love your wife a lot but the relationship your wife is sharing with him is causing much trouble in you married life.
I hope everything will be ok soon.
Take care!!
Thanks for the response. I have met the guy several times in the past. I had always tried to be polite and he was the same. It is just ever since he has moved here, only he and my wife do things together. I have asked several times if I could come along. My wife has always found some excuse why I could not. When I finally asked what the real reason was, my wife said “He doesn’t like you”. Why I know that I should care less whether someone likes my or not. It is difficult to accept that my wife wants to be best friends (and spend a considerable amount of time alone) with someone who doesn’t like her husband. I could never be friends with someone who didn’t like my wife.
It's terrible what you are going through.. Try to know what she see in that guy but does see in you...
Someone told me today that a man living with his wife after several years of marriage is like living with his sister. Human likes changes... Be different but don't change drastically... What i mean by 'be different' is to do things that you and your wife rarely do or never did before. Surely, by now you already know what she likes or dislikes..
One day, what you can do before having a sexual intercourse, change the atmosphere of the room; a few candles, change the light bulb and replace it by a 'weaker' one(the room should not be lighted up bright everywhere), a choose a bulb of the color the likes the most.. It will be better if she is not aware of anything, it will be like a surprise for her
I remind you, am not an expert in this particular matter, but am trying to help the way i can because i know it's very hard for you and i can't really imagine what you are going through since am not married, but i know it's really very terrible.
Holy cow! Your wife is spending all her quality time with her friend.
What exactly do YOU do with your wife? When do you go out to dinner together and sit face to face? If you do, is it pleasant or awkward? Is she talking about her friend all the time or apparently distracted?
If it was me, I'd ask that she break up with her "friend." She has not "worked through" anything as far as I can see from what you've written.
Have you had any counseling? Your relationship with your wife needs some serious work, so that, among other things, you aren't spending all your time passively checking up on her and worrying about all the things you've found out. This is not healthy.
Hanging out all the time and giving money,it all smells bad.
I would watch them very closely because you need to protect yourself and your marriage.
Friendship that interferes with marriage is dangerous.If she is willing to sacrifice her marriage for this friend,you need to ask her what her priorities are.They should be you!
You cannot just ask her directly, right now to stop everything with that guy...firstly, win her love and affection back. It's you who must make her accept what you say, else she may categorically refuse you.. It's you who must make her say that you are the priority in her life.. Imagine if today itself, roughly, you tell her to stop meeting her male friend, no phone calls, no contact at all..imagine she says NO, will be completely shattered and destroyed. Don't give her the chance to say no...
It's easy to advise but when you have you put these advise into action, it's harder..
So, be courageous and don't give up.
Bye..
You cannot just ask her directly, right now to stop everything with that guy....
. . . It's easy to advise but when you have you put these advise into action, it's harder..
So, be courageous and don't give up.
Shelesh, you make great points. I agree that the OP may not want to bring things to a head too soon by confronting her or demanding that she break up with this uberfriend.
But I still think what artlady said needed to be said.
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