My wife and I have been married for seventeen years. We have had a good marriage but I admit that a couple of years ago I got wrapped up in work and was not always attentive to her or our daughter. I’ll be the first to admit that it was wrong and I know that I will never do it again. My wife had a male friend that she has known since high school. They have been friends for about twenty six years. My wife has told me that their relationship has always been platonic. However she does say that he is her best friend.
I know that during the time that I was concentrating on my work, she confided in him that we were having marital problems. He lived about two hours away and they talked on the phone every single day (usually four or more times a day) for about two and a half months straight. I know he heard only the negative things about me. So he had no respect for me and did not like me.
One day when I saw the cell phone bill and realized what was going on, I confronted her about it. This was what made me realize that I had been a complete fool for not being a good husband and father. I told her that I would change and asked if she would stop talking to the guy so much. She stopped, but only for a short while.
A few weeks later, while cleaning up around the house, I found some notes that she had written to the guy (I don’t believe he ever saw them). Nothing really horrible, but they did sound like she had feelings for the guy that was more than just wanting to be friends. I asked my wife about them and she admitted that she had some feelings for the guy, but she had written them over a year ago and she had “worked through it”. My wife told me that she has always been faithful to me and that the notes were nothing.
At about the same time the guy had moved in with another woman. I know my wife kept in touch and even went to see them from time to time. They wound up having a bad breakup and they split apart.
Late last year the guy moved to our city to start a new job. It turns out that his new job and apartment are about five minutes from where my wife works. I knew that they were going out to lunch frequently from debit card transactions. I was a little concerned but figured its just lunch and they are just talking. Recently, I came across some credit card receipts and discovered that my wife had paid for the first two months of his rent. She had paid for a rental car for him when his card had broken down. I know that he asked my wife to pay for his car repairs to the tune of about $2500. My wife told me this only after I asked. I also know that he comes to my wife every month for money. Basically he tells her how much he needs and my wife gives him cash. I have never stopped to figure up a total, but I estimate that in the five months he has lived here, my wife has given him several thousand dollars. And the total continues to increase every month.
To this day, I know that they go out together every week and usually Saturday night to skate. They ride bicycles together. This usually means lunch and/or dinner afterwards. They frequently have lunch together during the week. My wife always pays. My wife goes over to his apartment every week. Although this makes me very uncomfortable and I have asked my wife several times not to. She still does it any way.
All of this has caused some bitter arguments between my wife and me. I don’t mind her having a male friend. But some of this makes me really uncomfortable. So after all of this information, here are my questions:
Am I wrong to feel like I have lost my wife?
Is it wrong to ask her not to go to his apartment alone?
Is it wrong to ask her to stop giving him money every month?
What options do I have?
I love my wife dearly, but all of this is ripping me to pieces. And it is beginning to affect my job and I can’t seem to think about anything else.
I feel like I could find your wife's thread somewhere else on this website... about how she has been unfaithful for years and she can't decide between her husband and boyfriend.
I have a best male friend and a significant other. My best male friend and I dated in the past, but now the relationship is purely platonic. Furthermore, I would never jeoporadize my significant others feelings for my best friend although I feel we will always be best friends. What your wife is doing is excessive and wrong. It would seem that there is way more than friendship to his story.
I think you need to confront her, if this marriage is important to her, she will find a way to make you comfortable with the friendship if it is purely platonic. If it isn't purely platonic, she will get defensive and behave like you are the one with an issue, so she can ensure that she can have both of you devoted to her.
You have to confront this issue. Your wife has behaviors that have to be corrected for a healthy marriage.
Am I wrong to feel like I have lost my wife?
You haven't lost your wife at all. It seems that your wife needs constant attention.
Is it wrong to ask her not to go to his apartment alone? When it comes to another man or woman you have the right for your wife never ever to speak to him again. You have ever right, don't think at all you don't.
Is it wrong to ask her to stop giving him money every month? You need to tell her what are her motives, friends are friends yes. On the other hand this so called "Friend of hers" needs to respect your relationship and stay far away
What options do I have?
Here are your options. Have a man to man talk with her so called friend. Make it clear that your not comfortable with the friendship and she should stay away. Your other option is to set an ultimatium. Tell your wife it's either him or me. One mistake married couple do in this situation is go and find another woman to comfort the pain. Don't give up, be stern and show your wife in many ways that your serious about making things work. Also take your wife on a cruise or a get away. Restablish the love and connection, like may dad would say. "Put it on her real good and she will forget what the whole problem was" lol keep me posted
Thank you to everyone for your responses and advice. Recently I visited my wife’s “friend’s” myspace page. And with really no surprise were pictures of him and my wife. Actually two pictures. One that was taken at our home during a party about three or four years ago (way before any of the recent events) and a very recent one just of my wife in his apartment wearing his jacket and sandals. I told my wife that I was not comfortable with the latter simply because it was taken in his apartment and I have asked her not to go to his place alone. My wife got defense and said that it was his myspace account and he could put up whatever pictures he wanted and they were not obscene pictures or insinuate anything. True enough but I still explained that I was not comfortable having my wife’s picture on another guy’s webpage. Well, my wife went back to her friend and told him that I through a fit and demanded that he remove the picture. He did. So last night my wife and I had to make about an hour-and-a-half trip to deliver some items for an upcoming charity drive. My wife started the conversation first saying that it is unfair for me to say that her guy friend goes with her everywhere she goes. I explained that if she wants to go skating that she coordinates it with him. The same for riding bicycles; if my wife is not there he won’t show up. That’s when she told me what she told her friend about the picture. My wife said that he called me an idiot and that he really does not like me. Whatever. What I know so far is that my wife gives him about $900 to $1000 cash every month. She also pays some of his utilities and credit cards plus frequent lunches and dinners. She still wants to exclude me from everything they do even if I ask to come along. Would it be the wrong thing to do if I confront the guy myself? I know where he works; I know where he lives (just not the apartment number). I have his cell phone number and email address (not that he would ever respond to them). I mean I just want to let the guy know what he is doing to my marriage. I know that whatever I say or do will go immediately back to my wife. And I’m sure this would infuriate my wife. And I’m not sure if it would solve any of my problems. If I were to give my wife an ultimatum, I think it would push her even further away from me.
You wife has put this man before her marriage. As I have said I have both a s/o and male best friend. I would never challenge my s/o to the point that he felt intimidated by my best friend.
I think she HAS to make a choice and if you already know what that choice would be, then you may already know where you stand.
You wife has put this man before her marriage. As I have said I have both a s/o and male best friend. I would never challenge my s/o to the point that he felt intimidated by my best friend.
I think she HAS to make a choice and if you already know what that choice would be, then you may already know where you stand.
Thanks Justwantfair. Your response really hit me hard. But I also believe what you say is true. I find myself breaking down and crying uncontrollably from all of this pain. The really hard part is that I don’t believe my wife would leave me for him. I know that there is no way my wife could support him and herself. Also she would have to make a drastic lifestyle change from what she is accustomed to. And most importantly I have my daughter to consider. I find myself trying to be her “buddy”. Doing activities with her and taking her out to a movie, the mall, or just dropping her off or picking her up from one of friend’s home. I guess I’m torn now. Stay where I am until there is nothing left of my heart and soul (I think much is already dead). Or ask my wife to choose. Either way, I don’t think I can take it much longer.
I feel for your situation, we talk alot in this site about emotional cheating on your partner. I think that is the line that your wife has crossed.
I could never advocate destroying a household, but I don't think the way you are being treated is fair, but only you can make your choices for yourself.
I do wish you the best of luck with this because I do feel your pain and I know that most of the pain is because we all deserve to be treated with concern for our feelings by the people who should/do love us the most.
I agree that you are on the final strings of your heart and soul. I can't remember if we have discussed this, but have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe what you really need is that third party to assist your wife in seeing the hurt she is causing. It sures doesn't help her running back to him to report on you.
I feel for your situation, we talk alot in this site about emotional cheating on your partner. I think that is the line that your wife has crossed.
I could never advocate destroying a household, but I don't think the way you are being treated is fair, but only you can make your choices for yourself.
I do wish you the best of luck with this because I do feel your pain and I know that most of the pain is because we all deserve to be treated with concern for our feelings by the people who should/do love us the most.
I agree that you are on the final strings of your heart and soul. I can't remember if we have discussed this, but have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe what you really need is that third party to assist your wife in seeing the hurt she is causing. It sures doesn't help her running back to him to report on you.
When all of this started last year, I did my own research on the Internet and “emotional affair” fit perfectly. I also know that statistically, most emotional affairs eventually turn physical. I have no way of knowing if this is happened or not. I have read that if you ask your spouse if they are physically involved with someone else; they will lie if they are.
I have told my wife that when we are having a discussion/argument/disagreement about her guy friend that it is just between us. That we each have the right to discuss our feelings and emotions without them ever going any further that just us. But what has happened is just what you said; she runs back to him to report on me. I also know that if she is mad she will distort the information to make what I said sound much worse.
I have asked my wife several times to go to a marriage counselor. I told her that I would find one, set up to work around both of our schedules, and drive us there. She said that she does not need to go. That I am the one with all the problems. So I am considering going alone. I really don’t have anyone else to talk to and I know that it has affected my job. I know that I am depressed and I don’t know what else to do.
Unless you can get her to see what this is doing to your marriage it is already over in my opinion. She is almost defiantly having an emotional affair and unless you can get her to see that and stop it herself i don't think there is much you can do.
You can't live like this much longer and if you simply give her an ultimatum she will either
a) whilst very unlikely, she could choose him since it is you forcing her to choose.
b)She chooses you but because of how attached to this man she has become she will hate you for it.
Neverme
I didn't mean to say the marriage was beyond saving, just that the only way i personally see of getting the marriage back to what it was before is to get the wife to see that what she is doing is wrong and for her to willingly stop it.
Whilst it may stopping it going any further, Forcing her to stop something she doesn't view as wrong will not mend the damage done to this relationship.
If there aren't two people willing to work on this marriage, I agree, this relationship won't be saved. Both parties need to be focusing on the problems and the fact is her behaviors ARE a problem, not because of you, but because they affect you.
Start with the individual counseling, if she can't see that it would save the marriage. It may help you build the foundation to leave or live your own life.
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