My wife and I have been married for over a month now. We met each other 13 months ago through an internet service, the one with all the bells and whistles that matches you on so many dimensions…

To the point: She has a male best friend; they have been very close for the past 6 or 7 years. He is not only her best friend but also mentor, both in life and at work (Was her boss on and off for more than half of their friendship)
I married her because she is a ray of light (HAPPY) a wonderful mother, does not care about worldly things and physically beautiful. I am stating this because as wonderful as she is I don’t trust her completely and this lack of trust stemmed mainly from her relationship with her best friend.

When I met her, he was her boss, they called each other every morning on the way to work, ate together at work, gave each other gifts for every occasion and her admiration towards him was a frequent topic with me. To the point where if I had a story about something I did, she would comment on how he did it as well… When I finally met him I felt a little better. He greeted me with open arms, as a brother to her and myself as well. Even spoke at our wedding and spoke highly of me. He is married and is a wonderful father from what I see. He has been there for her through her father’s death, career, etc.

I am confused because although they no longer work together and the everyday talking stopped for a while; there is something that has always bugged me about their closeness. I want her to keep this good friend but with boundaries. This morning I looked at her phone history and for the past 5 days they have been calling each other at 6:45am on the dot on the way to work, like before. I approached her, with my usual scolding  she did not deny the calls (at the beginning of our relationship she did avoid the topic though and would keep talking to him although I was calling on the other line) I told her I found the frequency and exactitude, schedule weird, with this new established calling pattern. That it did not make me feel as insecure as before but somewhat fearful. That in my eyes it seems as if he is “a morning coffee” which she absolutely has to have. She has other close friends, mainly female and she had these routines with them at one point but not with such dedication.

Is it wrong for a married woman to start her day calling her best male friend? I don’t have any rituals / routines whatsoever with any other females. I get my healthy share of football and guy talk with guy friends and though I have female friends my time with them is minimal and I call them rarely.

I don’t want to do the wrong thing nor deny her of her space and right to be in the company of others. I don’t understand her behavior though. I appreciate your comments. Thank you.

JudyKayTee

Would you be upset if she called a best female friend first thing every day and kept in touch when they no longer worked together? Unless you're her father I don't see where you "scold" her when she does something you don't agree with. It appears you always knew about the relationship and she never lied.

As it happens one of my very best friends is male. We talk almost every day, about all sorts of things, not female, not male, just "things."

I never lied about it or hid it, nor was I ever "scolded" or made to feel like I was cheating. I wasn't. If my husband had said, "It's that relationship or me," I obviously would have chosen him but he wasn't an insecure, threatened man in any way.

My husband was extremely close to a woman he worked with - she would have fought lions for him. They talked on the phone, rehashing the day, a couple of times a week. It never bothered me. In fact, I never gave it a thought. She was his friend long before he met me. Fortunately, I honestly like her and it's mutual.

Sorry, but I can't get the "usual scolding" line out of my mind - on one hand she's entitled to her life; on the other, you are admonishing her - ?

dragon76

Thank you for replying

The "scolding" She says I go on and on about things, over explaining and such. Better said she labeled my disagreements with her as scolding sessions. I don't believe it is completely true but admit there is truth to it.

I believe my concern has more to do with her choices in the past. What I am trying to say there are other facts about this friendship. He has given her very expensive gifts, some without his wife's knowing. The 1st red flag came one day when, we were dating, he texted her at 2am... "To check on her" according to her because he played a father / brother role. I asked her to please call him back, she hesitated, finally agreed... He did not pick up and instead texted back saying he couldn't talk at the moment. There are other weird (to me) details about their relationship. These mainly in the beginning. She says she wishes, she would have introduced him in a different manner to me, to better protect my heart. I just really wish I didn't feel she needs this person this much. Shouldn't a husband cover most of the bases, as far as needs, for a wife? be a best friend, protector, providers, etc? Note I am not saying don't have friends. I am saying that my need for female company I look for mainly in her. I obviously don't understand her need for male companionship? could it be as simple as finding a middle ground? Are there red flags in what I am questioning or am i simply seeing ghosts?

JudyKayTee

I don't know about you but my instincts are very sound - when I get those "red flag" feelings I am usually correct.

As far as whether a husband should cover all the bases for his wife - I don't know. Maybe most, yes. All, no. Obviously the friendship of this other person covers some "need" or "want" of hers. I don't know that having this friend means that you are less to her or not meeting her needs.

You aren't going to like this but it's simply my opinion - you appear to be a controlling person. So you were dating and someone called her at 2AM and you asked her to call him back? I don't see, quite frankly, that you had the right to ask, I'm surprised she didn't tell you so and I'm surprised when the "can't talk now" message came back that the hair on the back of your neck didn't stand up!

I am not sure if you are controlling or insecure or putting your whole life into this one relationship, oblivious to her needs, OR if something else is going on here. Without giving her directions or a speech have you told her how you feel about this friendship? That's either going to bring it out in the open or drive it underground so you'll have to think about it.

I once dated a VERY controlling man who honestly didn't think he was controlling - My every move when I was with him was monitored and the grand finale came when MY phone at MY house rang ... and he answered it and then had the audacity to ask me who was calling me! Let me be sure to explain that we weren't living together, we weren't engaged, he was simply picking me up to go out and I was someplace else in the house. He never asked, just picked up my phone.

dragon76

When I say dating, we were a couple already. When the 2am called happened... we were in bed happy, talking about how we felt about each other. We figured out pretty quickly that we were in love... things happened fast. We had also discussed how we both felt that calls after dark were not appropriate from the opposite sex... So of course I questioned the call.

I am extremely verbal, she knows I am trying to understand her world and trust her, but at the same time she knows how I feel about the friendship. I agree with you on the bases that should be covered by a husband for a wife, it should be "most" and not "all" her needs.
I had a somewhat similar best friend before her, which happened to be my son's mother, as soon as I figured out she wasn't OK with it I cut the "cord"
What changes is that at one point we were a couple, nonetheless I never lied about this close friendship and from the moment we met I told her she was one of my best friends. What I did was, as soon as my wife came in my life and saw she had negative reactions when she heard me talking to my son's mother... I focused on sharing my day with my current wife and made my relationship with my son's mother strictly about my son. I thank you for your words, I believe I need to be clear on my speciations, while respecting her and putting an end to the things where I am controlling.

JudyKayTee

You are so willing to look at the situation, deal with it, you express yourself well - hopefully your wife loves you, doesn't want to make you unhappy, doesn't want to jeopardize your relationship, and will strike some sort of happy medium.

Come back and let us know how it works out.

ZoeMarie

Judy always gives good advice from what I've read, but my instincts tell me something is up. She is open with you about her "friendship" but the guy's not open with is his wife. Why not? I would be curious if you're getting the whole story. Definitely let us know how everything works out.

JudyKayTee

Thanks for the pat on the back - and, yes, the "wife doesn't know" part was pretty much the turning point for me.

ZoeMarie

kinda makes for an interesting situation, doesn't it? Now I'm curious.

I hope everything works out for you guys.

dragon76

I told my wife something to that regard long ago... about him being honest with his wife
I asked about the gifts (1000 bucks for her b-day... $13,000 car sold from subject to my wife for $2,000)
My wife told me she knows he didn't tell his wife about the birthday gift...
I question what he told his wife he sold the car for, does she have access to his bank account.
I had sorta forgotten about these things, for my own good
These things come back though when I see that the relationship is going back to what it used to be, prior to me sorta breaking it up
My counselor told me "your wife sounds like a wonderful person but maybe a little naive"