My wife cam to me a few weeks ago and told me she had been having an affair for the past 8 months. We have been married now for 11 years and have had our ups and downs but this took me completly by suprise. She told me she had stopped seeing this guy a few days before she tole me. She said the guilt was eating at her and she had to tell me. Now all the trust i had built up for her is gone. What should i do??

De Maria

First of all, that is awful and I feel for you. My prayers are with the both of you.

It sounds, from your description, as though she told you and you did not know? Is that right?

If she told you out of the blue and you had no idea, then that would mean that she is truly repentant and wants to start over.

So, the question is whether you still love her. If you love her, then love forgives.

If you no longer believe that you love her, there is another thing you must keep in mind.

But it isn't because we aren't. Ultimately, matrimony is a covenant with God. And in that covenant you promised God to love each other and stay together for better or worse. Now, I guarantee that God will forgive your sins if you ever ask for His forgiveness. So, if your wife has asked you to forgive her, then forgive her and do your best to love her again.

Problem is, that in this culture, people think that matrimony must be perfect. Matrimony is about love and joy, but it is also about pain and suffering. It is essentially an icon of your love for God. We are supposed to be faithful to God. But when we aren't and we turn back to God, God takes us back. So, your wife was supposed to be faithful to you. She wasn't but now she has repented and turned back. Will you take her back?

Pray. Pray that God will reunite your family and reignite your love for each other.

Sincerely,

De Maria

Synnen

"tainted goods", huh?

Well, she puts up with YOU, so there must be something worthwhile about her.

Stay or go--but make your choice, get some counseling either way (your anger is going to hurt YOU more than anyone else, and a good counselor will help you get past it).

And once you make your choice? No whining about it. No bringing up the issue over and over and over again. You choose, you get counseling, and you put it behind you--whether you stay or go.

She felt you did something wrong, huh? What KIND of something? I'm willing to bet that it was the "took her for granted" kind of something, personally.

want_to_know

I do not approve of what she has done. But marriage is for the long haul and sometimes you run into trials and tribulations everyone does it's how you deal with them. Now to be realistic she could have stopped seeing him and just stayed married to you. But she didnt. I know it felt like a knife through your heart to hear your wife tell you that and I'm sure it had to hurt her to tell you and hurt you like that. But alot of people make stupid mistakes but by doing this she probably thought she could find something that she felt was lacking in that other relationship and realized she would rather be with you. Sometimes it takes other things to happen to realize what you already have isnt worth giving up. I think she realized you are what she wants but I apologize it had to come at a high price. Trust will definetly have to be earned again and I dont feel you want a divorce but converse with her about why? Because there something she feels shes not getting and for her to tell she cheated whatever she wasnt getting she does want to get it from you. It could be emotional attention, etc.. In a marriage communication is the key. When the foundation is built strong it might shake but it will not crumble.

talaniman

Definitely go to couple counseling, if nothing else to cope with the shock and anger. after the dust settles you can make a decision without all the hurt feelings and raging emotions. Give it time, the divorce court ain't going no where.

igman

First you need to decide if you are going to stay or not. For some people, cheating is an absolute deal breaker...for some it might not be. I thought that it would be until it happened to me. That was 10 years ago and we are still together. Here is the key : she has to understand all the hard work she is going to have to do ti build trust and you have to do your best to allow her to do that without turning into Hitler. I wont lie, its gonna be TOUGH. I still struggle with it sometimes.