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Wife wants space wont try to fix our Marriage
Asked May 10, 2010, 09:44 AM
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23 Answers My wife of 15 years (ive known her for 18yrs) announced two weeks ago that she has had enough and isn't sure if she wants to be married to me anymore. We have two kids (11 and 9) and just purchased a larger "fixer upper" home last July after living in our first home for 11 years. She rightfully has told me that the way I handle anger/rejection/hurt has worn her down to the point that she no longer is in Love with me. Right now our house is half torn apart, no flooring in the living spaces, half stucco on the outside, unfinished ceilings and a yard that we stopped watering because we had plans for changing it. In short If we try to sell the house now we will probably lose most of the equity we had accumulated for 11 years. Our kids have finally found a place that they are happy to come home to. Large yard, lots of hide and go seek. Swimming pool and Trampoline. In short this home was going to be the sanctuary that we had been working so hard for for so many years. Its expensive enough where I cannot support my wife living there with my kids and then pay for my own residence elsewhere. Ive never physically hurt any of my family members. I just respond to frustration and emotional isolation with an over expression of anger. I have acknowledged it and began counseling for it last week. I've been reading books about it that hit WAY too close to home. I acknowledge I need help. I also have to remind myself that I have done LOTS of good for my wife and kids. Lots of love and devotion to make them comfortable and happy. My wife understands the huge impact it will have on all our lives if we split up our household. She has no plan or vision of what she wants her future life to be like. Based on what she is telling me the only thing she is missing is feeling like she is respected. I can fix that. She isn't sure she wants to give me that chance. Right now she just tells me... Why don't we just see what happens over time and see if she gets that spark back. For now she essentially has put me on trial and I feel like there is a test I must pass. Even if I pass the test I will still have the possibility of having my life, home, kids ripped out from under me. Its really hard to be the positive, kind and empathetic person she wants when I am under tremendous stress to do all the right things. She won't hold my hand... Won't even attempt to be affectionate in any way. There wasn't any major incident that caused the blow up... She just said it was years and years of gradually feeling less in love with me that finally broke her. So essentially she hasn't been forthright with me for so long that I am trying to undo years of depression and deflated emotions from her in a matter of weeks/months. She isn't very open to counseling and on our first visit she replied to many of the counselors questions with "I don't know".. Not sure what to do. My kids and I are sad and overwhelmed. |
23 Answers
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Take responsibility for your own actions and reactions. Learning to handle your emotions in a better way will take time. At this point don't try to connect with her. Connect with yourself and your children. Use working on the house as a way to rebuild yourself. Both are going to take time, but if you put the work into it, I think you are going to come out stronger just like the house will. She has to do the work on herself and then you both can work on the marriage. | ||||
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| I don't think your anger problem was the cause of her behaviour. If it bothered her that much, she would have taken steps to deal with it. Pretty much the same steps she should have taken before she had the affair- see a therapist, work on the relationship, get counselling. You sound like a strong, loyal person to me. I hope that things work out, and she can step up, and work through the grief she has caused, then the marriage work begins. A very difficult process; many of us lack the fortitude or desire. I think what Im' trying to say, is that there are two distinct problems here. One is her affair, obviously. The second is the communication issues in the marriage itself. It would be nice to hear you posting about how things are going, as far as her now having the spotlight on herself. Best of luck to you. | ||||
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