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-   -   Wife Sexting (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=451928)

  • Feb 26, 2010, 09:44 AM
    kirby35
    Wife Sexting
    Good Morning,
    This last Monday while looking for wedding pictures to blowup for our anniversary on Thursday I cam across some pictures that my wife had saved from some sexting episodes she was involved in for the past 2 months. As you can imagine I am all messed up right now... She has asked for a second chance an I with no hesitation at all I gave it to her. Now don't get me wrong I know that it is a 2 way street and there are problems on both sides that were not communicated. I take resonsibility for that and understand that there are faults on both sides. I love my wife very much but the feelings that are rolling through me are out of control... one minute I can think oh well it was just pictures but then the next minute it will be how do I know that nothing else happened (even though she swore to me that nothing physical happened. But the doubt remains and it feels like my guts have been torn out and thrown in the garbage. Some of the problems I have encountered in trying to deal with this is that I wanted to at least know who the guys was and all she would tell me is that it was no one I knew and that he is married as well... so she wouldn't give me any information because she did not want me to ruin his marriage... but I had no intention to. I just wanted to confront him and ask how he thought it was OK to conduct this behavior with a married woman and to ask him if anything else happened. She said she wants to work on our marriage and I could be more excited most of the time. My last problem is that she has only single friends for the most part and she likes to go out with them... I will not hold her back from hanging out with her friends and have gotten a couple of invites to go with and have. But the excitement level I definitely higher when she knows I am not going or it's a ladies night out. And finally I thought I was starting to heal last night while we were having dinner and trying to discuss things when out of the blue she brings up one of her single friends and how on a recent date she found out the size of some guys penis and how huge it was... Seemed like a completely inappropriate discussion for our anniversary night but just curious if maybe I am ultra sensative right now and will take anyhting like that the wrong way... just fyi we have been married for 4 years and been together for almost 10
    Thanks for your assistance
  • Feb 26, 2010, 10:05 AM
    Fr_Chuck

    These issues are not going to solve thierself and just go away, the same reasons she started, may be the same reason she continues if both sides don't make some changes.

    So when is your first counseling metting to start working on communication
  • Feb 26, 2010, 10:17 AM
    kirby35
    I have already gotten a couple of marrigae counselors lined up. We have discussed some issues and one that really bothered me and it was my fault is that she felt she couldn't talk to me about how she was feeling. I know there are some major communication issues and it is something we are working on while we get set up with a counselor.
  • Feb 26, 2010, 02:55 PM
    Devorameira

    Counseling is definitely the only way to go, so make that appointment today! You have to be able to talk openly and regain your trust or you have nothing.
  • Feb 26, 2010, 11:52 PM
    Jake2008
    I go out for ladies night, some of the women are married, some single, some going through divorce. I've never ever had reason for my husband to worry. It is a get together, it's not out hunting, we catch up on our lives, have a few drinks and a few laughs, nobody gets out of hand. Your wife seems to have a different version of how her ladies night should go.

    I also get the impression that she lives two different lives, and probably has for some time. You just haven't had the luxury of knowing about it. Why? Because she chose not to tell you. That you found the sexting pictures only means that her hiding place was found (double whammy that she put those pics in with your wedding pictures); she was busted. Then suddenly she has a problem- with you. That excuse is getting old when I hear it.

    There are choices to be made when you text, who you text, and how you conduct yourself. Sending inappropriate pictures, and having inapproprite contact with another man (married at that) just isn't okay. The choice should have been NOT to do what she did, at your expense. She chose to stray in my opinion, and she had many options she could have used, but she didn't.

    So now that she has been caught, it's marriage counselling time. Suddenly it's working through problems that, although were likely apparent to some degree, and not addressed, but which caused her behaviour... uh huh...

    I hope you remain strong, and not fall prey to being faulted for her behaviour. I'm sure if you had known before she did anything that she was unhappy, and wanted you to go to counselling, you would have jumped at the offer.

    I do not hear that she is remorseful, she's putting fault on you. Also a nice touch about her friends' man's penis size on your anniversary.

    I'm sorry, but this just stinks.

    I sincerely wish you well, but if she is not willing to put the same effort into counselling that she did into her 'other' life, you are in for a rocky road ahead.
  • Feb 28, 2010, 12:09 AM
    Gemini54
    This all sounds a bit suspect to me.

    You find inappropriate pictures that she's been sexting, and all of a sudden it's your fault because she "can't talk to you about how she's feeling". Gee, I wonder if she's really tried?

    I also wonder where she met these guys she's been sexting? On one of her ladies night's out, I bet.

    I would be very clear that the counselling is to help you both communicate better, BUT it's also so that you can re-establish trust in the marriage. She's the one that needs to make the effort to regain your trust, because she's the one that has gone outside the marriage.

    Please don't be a wimp and allow her to turn the blame on to you. By all means forgive her and be open to attending counselling, but do remember that it's her responsibility to acknowledge her inappropriate behavior and make amends for it.
  • Mar 2, 2010, 07:08 AM
    kirby35

    Thanks all... we have our first counseling session tomorrow... and last Friday the truth came out about the guy... he is a vendor at her work. She had me leave last week and now I am staying with some friends. She is open to counseling but got angry about it the other day because the counselor is requesting a lot of personal background info... I think she just wants to go to counseling so she can end it with a clear conscience. I am with good people right now and I am making it day to day... I will move on with my life and will find happiness again someday. Thank you all for your advice and opinions.
  • Mar 2, 2010, 11:32 AM
    Jake2008
    Good for you for going to counselling. It is not an easy thing to do, and facing it is daunting for most people. But to get to the truth, and figure out which way you're going is the only way to have a future together- if it all works out.

    I hope that she realizes how serious you are about finding the truth and working on your relationship. On the other hand, you are wise not to get your hopes up too high, and that you are thinking about your future.

    All the best to you Kirby.
  • Mar 2, 2010, 05:32 PM
    Gemini54
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by kirby35 View Post
    Thanks all...we have our first counseling session tomorrow...and last friday the truth came out about the guy...he is a vendor at her work. She had me leave last week and now i am staying with some friends. She is open to counseling but got angry about it the other day because the counselor is requesting a lot of personal background info...I think she just wants to go to counseling so she can end it with a clear conscience. I am with good people right now and i am making it day to day...I will move on with my life and will find happiness again someday. Thank you all for your advice and opinions.

    I'm really sorry that the tables have been turned on you - but great that you're going to counselling.

    Great also that the counsellor is asking her questions that make her feel uncomfortable and force her (hopefully) to question her actions.

    Keep staying with good people, and if you don't return to your wife, I wish you all the best at finding the life that you deserve.
  • Mar 3, 2010, 09:46 AM
    talaniman

    I actually think its for the best that your away from her and can deal with yourself in a good situation for a change.

    There is much your finding out about her being devious, and manipulative. Who needs that crap from a supposed life partner?

    Let her creep around without you, since that's what she wants. You deserve better.

    I would be sorry for your loss, but really think you have come through this better than when you entered it.
  • Mar 24, 2010, 06:47 AM
    kirby35
    Once again I want to thanks everyone for the support and advice. Just a quick update... Went to our counseling session and the counselor is very good. But she did not see a point in continuing joint therapy since my wife did not know what she wanted. Since then I have been going alone to just try and get my head straight. We have been in limited contact since and she has decided that she doesn't see things working out and wants a divorce... but the plot thickens. I said I will give her the divorce but she wants to wait 3 months to file paperwork. I am taking a couple weeks and going to see family. Then when I get back I am filing the paperwork. I need to take some control here and make the moves that are best for me... Does anyone have any idea on why she would want to wait 3 months before filing the paperwork? Just doesn't make sense to me. Had seen her maybe 5 times since all this went down and she said that nothing had changed... I really don't know who she is anymore. And just FYI I have gotten my own place and have friends coming over all the time so I am making it... Thanks again all
  • Mar 24, 2010, 07:02 AM
    talaniman

    There seems to be a lot to her you don't know, and I'm curious as to how long you have known her, and how long you were married? How did you meet her?
  • Mar 25, 2010, 01:10 AM
    Jake2008

    I think you are doing the right thing in filing the paperwork right away. Why she wants to wait three months is beyond me.

    I am happy you have friends around you that support you; you are fortunate indeed.

    Good for you for taking control of your life. You're going to be just fine.
  • Mar 25, 2010, 06:07 AM
    kirby35

    Married for 5 years together for almost 10. I really never thought someone could change so severely. Went from being one of the nicest people I have ever known to extremely cold and distant... Just blows me away. Thanks again
  • Apr 6, 2010, 08:19 PM
    PFCiceman86
    Kirby..

    Sorry to hear about all this man. Doesn't give me much hope cause I'm kind of in the same boat. And the fact that she made you leave sounds like there is more the sexting going on or there is about to be. I have a lot of the same issues you do right now but the difference you didn't know this guy my wife was doing this with my best friend. And I want to make one statement in general. This who it's the other persons fault to me is bull. If you care enough and respect someone enough to marry them, then show them the same respect that if they are unhappy or sexually frustrated tell you. And walk away don't go behind someone's back. And what's really sad and I hope this works out in all situations. If you think the grass is greener on the other side. I hope and prey to god that its just a mud hole.
  • Oct 19, 2010, 01:46 PM
    kirby35
    Just and update all,
    Life is good again... divorce has been finalized since August and I can't believe how well things have been going both professionally and personally. I have spoken with my ex wife a couple times and she stated that she thinks it is weird that we don't know where each other live and so on... I requested that communication halt since it really doesn't do anybody any good. Since then I got her to admit that it was a full blown affair and not just texting... which deep down I knew anyway. Right after the split I discovered that she had been involved with at least 5 guys during a period of two months while we were separated but not divorced and that really was the clincher. I know now that I am a better person than that and am really proud at who I am and what I stand for. No negativity remains in me... I see it as an experience from beginning to end that brought great times and painful times. Life is too short to dwell on why we went wrong but I have learned who I am and the kind of person I would like to be the rest of my life. Thanks again to everyone and take care!!
  • Oct 19, 2010, 02:05 PM
    Jake2008
    Kirby! YAHOO for YOU!! I have a big smile on my face here, it is truly wonderful to know that you are in such a good place right now. That you don't have or carry resentment, and have moved on with such a great attitude, is music to my ears!!

    Can't say enough how pleased I am for you. You have come such a long way since your first post.

    Also, a big thank you for updating. Many times that doesn't happen, and you always wonder what happened to people.

    I love a happy ending!
  • Oct 19, 2010, 03:12 PM
    talaniman

    Your attitude and actions are truly INSPIRING to me, and others.

    Much more luck!!
  • Oct 19, 2010, 04:07 PM
    Just_Another_Lemming

    Kirby I just read through this thread you created.

    Your resilience astounds me!

    Talaniman is right, you are an inspiration to everyone.

    I know you will eventually meet the right woman for you. I wish you good health and happiness! You deserve it.
  • Oct 19, 2010, 04:58 PM
    Just Dahlia

    Good for you, keep being happy and you will have it made.:D

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