I think he said she is sorry and she is willing to work things out and seek help. I think at this point that's all that matters. Forgiveness is very liberating because it helps you move on and sleep better at night. Just work through it. It is hard now but when you are an old man and you have your wife, children and grandchildren beside you, you will be more content with life than letting something like this destroy the future and unity of your family. As long as she sorry and promises never to betray you again, then you can work through this tough time. Divorce will prolong the pain for you and it will also affect your children for the rest of their lives.

Another night has went by, it's not any easier to understand or accept and I think I keep asking myself for some justification for what she did. We've conversed on many different topics of our years past and there are definitely some things that have bothered her with the fact she wasn't getting the attention (telling her how pretty she was, etc.) and not being sexually involved with her for a period after our 2nd kids. She says, we needed help a long time ago and I never did anything about it. I agree, probably should have sought help, just never thought one of us would stray outside the marriage to find the pretty stuff she was looking for. I'm a fault for not making her feel pretty. I just think she is simply 33 and I'm 41 and our kids are 3 and 5 and she had started back at the gym and getting her figure back, she started dressing nicer, getting looks I'm sure and all of a sudden this casual yet fun sexting thing started. Most definitely inappropriately and she kept it from me and hid it and kept doing it and doing it and then all of a sudden the texting was so much fun that they decided to have oral sex 4 times in 7 day period. To me it was a very new, exciting, secretive, fun event for her and she was so selfish she never thought about the results of getting caught or the pain she is causing to me, kids and all of our friends. Frankly and lately, she hasn't paid attention to our kids because she's been so caught up with this iPhone texting and sexting thing. Warning, don't allow your spouse to ever text.

We are both willing to see a counselor, anyone have suggestions on what type of counselor to see? Sex therapist? Not sure of that because our sex life was always good during the innercourse or psychotherpist, psychologist?? Pastor? Thoughts?
Also anyone know of any insurance plans that you can get that will cover counseling?
I feel like we are going to need many sessions and that can get real expensive.
Thanks again.

If you attend a church that is the best option. You can meet with a marriage counselor at a church and it is free! My husband and I had some the same issues where he was not making me feel pretty and not giving me the attention I needed. We went for counseling at our church and it helped us a big deal. He just didn't know that women have that need. Now that he knows, so he makes me feel very beautiful and it gives me confidence in our relationship.
I can relate to your wife because my husband never used to complement me or tell me I was sexy like he used to when we were dating and it frustrated me because I felt very unapprieciated. So when guys gave me attention it I welcomed it because it made me feel good because I was not getting that kind of attention from my mate. I didn't go so far as to start an affair but I can see how it can start from that.
So this may just be awake up call for you to do the work it takes to maintain a healthy marriage relationship. Good luck!

The thought of her cheating may be hard to bear, but it doesn't answer your real problem. Fixing the broken connection between two people. A pastor, or marriage counselor, someone you both trust, can guide you through the process of reconnecting.

Over 11 thousand posts?? Wow-- I think you probably have all my answers. I agree, the cheating hurts and it's wrong and I will always probably come back in my mind remember what events took place---that hurts and it hurts really bad. Getting through our issues of our real problem will be hard, but I'm willing to work on that, for sure. I have a hard time over coming what she did though.

Willing to work together is a very big word. Anyone can be happy, with happy times, but it's the adversity we face, that makes the bonds stronger. There's always hope if two people are willing to work together. If you ask, I will answer if I can.

Getting over the hurt is the hard part. It's like you grabbed a handle of a hot pan and you got burnt. It hurt but in time that pain goes away. But you can't allow the memory of the hot pan to stop you from cooking with the pan again.

In my book nothing justifies someone cheating. When a person unhappy with a relationship physically and/or emotionally he/she should express their unhappiness or leave.

When I posted the question why women cheat? Most women wrote that their husbands weren't paying them enough attention.

People tend to slack off when then get in the marriage. Think back to when you were courting this person. You were flowers, you were candy, you made sure you were showered, wore cologne, you couldn't keep your eyes for of her. Like most men you stop doing these things. That is the worse one of the worse mistakes.

My suggestion to you and all husbands is to behave like you are still courting you wife. Get caught checking her out. Cop feels. I still send my wife inappropriate text messages. I role play with my wife she is also my mistress. I'll text her "My wife is working tonight want to go to out?" When I call the house she will say something “I like I told you not to call me at this number my husband could have been answered.” Then I'll apologize and explain that I had to because I missed her and what to come see her tonight.

The whole goal is to enjoy each other and make each other happy.

Married guy,
What's the title of your book and where can I buy it? I believe you are right on and agree with you 100%. Wives cheat because husbands stop paying attention and they get it somewhere else. That's definitely what happened here.
Getting over the hurt is going to be hard. I hope in time you are correct, the pain will go away.
Thanks!!

Its like any other healing, it takes time, and you have to keep it wrapped in clean bandages, and don't pick at the scab. Also had to spread the rep, but Marriedguy is dead on. What got her, is what you have to do, to keep her. We guys get lazy, after the hunt is over.

So much I have learned or not necessarily learned, but it's how to come to my senses. Even with so much anger and hurt, I'm being convinced that some of this is my fault. I just didn't know how to get her to not do this and lord knows I would have done everything to prevent this if I knew this was 100% for sure going to happen. It's amazing how much you want something when you lose it. I want this one back (the wife), but I have a lot of pain because of what she did.
Let me ask you guys/girl this: My wife is so mad at me for talking to the wife of the husband (who was with my wife) because she thinks she is really not helping our marriage. No doubt about it. This girl hates my wife as much as I hate her husband, but we are both sharing notes with what they are telling us and we are looking that they are both coming clean. Her and I both just want the truth so we can move forward. She also knows how I feel since she's got the same pain as I do. I get the feeling my wife is very very jealeous and that's too bad. I would have never been talking to this girl had nothing ever happned. Any thoughts.

Its really not your fault... its your wife job to communicate the fact that she is not getting the attention she needs. Cheating was not the answer and never is. So say that things you done and didn't may have lead to have cheating but don't blame yourself.

Now, Should you have turn the other cheek, you're asking in other words? I really had to think about this one. Part of me wants to tell you yeah you did the right thing. All is fair in love and war. Eye for an eye. Ring all the bells in his building in a "Goodfellas" type fashion. "There is a whore in your building, her name is..." "She is my wife find your own damn wife."

And then there other part of me thinks of the wife of this dude and question do I want to put her through what I'm going through? Was I telling her because I was concern for her peace of mind or did I tell because I wanted her marriages' foundation rocked?

This is a gray area... initially with the pain and hurt I would have told. You want to reck my home I'm recking yours.

But if sit back an analyze it. I say to myself you and the wife of this dude are innocents in this situation. If I didn't tell her, this would have been for her sake (wife of the dude) not his or my wife. Protect the innocent.

Please don't beat yourself over this.

I just want to say, as a woman who has cheated:

All of you guys that say over and over again that cheating isn't the answer, talk about it--guess what? She probably TRIED. She probably tried a LOT of things to get your attention, short of coming out and saying "you're taking me for granted and I am getting attention elsewhere".

Guess what? Women get attention from guys all the time. If their relationship is healthy, they don't really notice much, because they're too busy thinking about their husbands. However, when their husbands are being neglectful jerks, that little extra attention starts as "harmless", a little flirting, a little innuendo. Then it builds--it's a great high to all of a sudden have a guy look at you like you're cheesecake, and he's starving! ESPECIALLY if you've tried unsuccessfully to explain that concept to your husband.

Women don't set out to cheat--I doubt men do either, really. It just... happens. And it usually happens in stages, little baby innocent steps until all of a sudden you're doubting everythign in your life. But that guy, the one that makes you feel good, the one that reaffirms that you're sexy, and desirable--it's hard to walk away from that, when he makes you feel GOOD, and your husband makes you feel neglected, and now, guilty.

Yes, it's a lot of work to fix things. A counselor will help. Your wife probably DOES regret it, more than anything, but has no idea how to express that to you without you pushing her away, or making the appearance of it.

One thing I can tell you that HAS to happen: You MUST forgive her, and even if you don't forget--you can NEVER bring it up again once you've moved past it. Hash it out with her NOW, in counseling--do not EVER bring it up again in the future. You have to be able to let it go, because if you don't, it will be a slow poison to your relationship. She, in the meantime, has to work on getting your trust back, and making allowances for the fact that she lost it, and now needs to regain it.

Good luck. Your relationship will be stronger if you make it through this--but it's going to take a lot of time, and a lot of work.

Well,
It's the one week anniversary when I caught the phone bills and knew something was up.
At least I'm sleeping somewhat and I ate lunch a few minutes ago. I had a really hard night last night as I was talking to my daughter and she said "daddy why don't you want me to come home". It killed me to hear that, tore me up. Of course I want her home, not sure how she's picking that up, but the wife and I have spoken this morning and the wife & kids are coming back into the house tomorrow and I hope I can be rational and handle myself. The wife and I are both concerned about that. I know at some point I will stop probing and asking why, where, how and all the crap that for some reason I just have to know and once I get through this part the healing will start. It's like someone said here, I can't keep picking at the scab, but in my mind the wound is open and has not started healing or scabbing up yet.
Any suggestons---we both want to be in the same house for the "family" and hope to work through this. Suggestions on how her and I can communicate or say or do when we first see each other again. The last time I saw her is when I set in the counseling room this past Monday and she told me about the oral sex and that's the last memory I have of my wife---That hurts!
Thanks for your help.

I know what you shouldn't do. No matter the inner turmoil, do Not let it affect your best behavior, and losing your temper, at what she may say, or do is out of the question. Maintain full self control. Let the emotional dust continue to settle. Look, she knows she's so wrong, but you beating her over the head with it, will do no good at all. So don't do it. Compounding her mistakes with yours, only makes things worse. Be great if you could be nice, and a good listener, if she wants to talk, as listening, requires no comment. You must both help each other, to heal those fresh open wounds.So don't push for answers, she doesn't have, don't even try to understand, just be nice. Let time work for you.

Okay... one thing here.

You do NOT need to know the how, when, where. You think you do, but you don't. Accept that it happened, and stop digging deeper for details. I mean seriously... are details really going to help you?

As far as communication goes---try to avoid using anything hurtful. Seriously THINK about everything you say. EVERYTHING. No snide comments, no backhanded remarks. Same goes for her.

Use "I" statements instead of "You" statements. "I feel angry and hurt that this happened" not "You cheating makes me mad!" BOTH of you need to try not to lay blame, but to understand each other.

You need to continue to see the counselor. And don't try to be "normal" for your kids. Kids are more perceptive than people think, and they know something's wrong. Let them know that mom and dad are having some problems, but that it has NOTHING to do with them. Make sure you both reassure the kids that you love them a lot, and that sometimes people fight and are unhappy with each other.

Try not to get irritated about the little things right now. Who cares if the dishes aren't done, or the laundry not folded, or your keys aren't hanging where you left them? Those are small potatoes right now, and you should take a deep breath and let the small potatoes go, at least for right now.

That all being said--try to be somewhat normal, even though things aren't normal. Sit down with each other, no kids, and discuss the ground rules for living together until you've resolved what to do---who sleeps where, who is in charge of what jobs, etc.

Good luck. It sounds like you really want to resolve this, and that's a big hurdle right there.

@ Synnan I have to diagree some what on post above. I'm well aware that there are husbands/wives that don't set out to cheat. Wake up one day... get dress and say to themselve on going to find myself a person to full fill what my spouse is lacking. Its normally happens in phases. As a wife or husband it is your responsibility to stop it at phrase 1.

Second, the communication is not only verbal. If you are not getting through to your spouse try other means. If I come home to note that read "I really needed your attention, but I'm not getting it and we spoke about it but you dont listen so I'm staying at my mothers for awhile" That's a wake up call.

Let me give a quick example: Two people get together.. the wife loves oral and the husband hates it. The husband made a pack with the devil and he can't perform oral. In my opinion the wife has two choices... 1) Accept that if being with this man oral is out of the question and learn to live without. 2) Decide that this man doesn't meet her needs and divorce.

Cheating is like kicking your marriage when its down. Now to repair you have to get over the cheating issue, trust issue, the feeling being betrayed issue, and to throw salt on the wound the lack of attention.

I tried talking.

I tried sexy lingerie (there's nothing more damaging to a self esteem than laying in bed waiting for him to come "after 10 minutes" and falling asleep crying, in your new sexy lingerie that you paraded in front of him in, and it wasn't enough to get his full attention)

I tried leaving for a week to my mother's because things weren't working.

I tried the note thing, the card thing, the bulletin board thing, and the not being home on time so that you worry thing.

I literally tried EVERYTHING I could think of. It was not enough. I didn't plan on cheating, and I'm not exactly proud of it---but it DID turn our relationship around.

I've never done anything again to break the trust he has in me. He's never again taken me for granted.

Synnen,
My wife did everything you said except the lingerie. My wife tried to talk to me about it, but it just didn't compute or translate. I'm a physical guy and if only if she would have just grabbed me and started rubbing me then things would have happened. I know it takes two. I didn't communicate to her about it at all and I didn't do anything physical to her. So in my mind she at least communicated, but we both failed to get what we wanted and now look at us.
I'm curious how long ago was it when you did wrong and what changes did you make or did he ask for to get that trust back? I really think her and I can do it, but it's going to be really hard to stop thinking about it.

It was 8 years ago, and it literally became me understanding every time he questioned me, I had to be completely honest, and understand WHY he was asking.

He had to pay attention to me without me asking for it. You'd be surprised how far "The kitchen looks great, hon, and I love what you did with the living room" goes. Saying thanks for cleaning, saying thanks for anything either of you does with the kids. (all of this advice goes both ways, by the way--she has to be grateful for YOUR contributions to your relationship, too!).

The biggest thing was that once we hashed out the cheating thing--it HAD to be left in the past. I knew I had to earn his trust again, but him going overboard jealous wasn't going to fix anything either. It can't be brought up in future fights, it can't be held over her head--it HAS to be like it never happened.

Except it did, and you both know it. And it's in the back of both of your heads all the time as a consequence of actions taken and not taken, and what was nearly lost because of it.

It's a constant appreciation of each other. Yeah, you'll both have days where you NEED to take your relationship for granted --that's part of love, being able to rely on each other without words. But... never to the extent that you EXPECT them to just--be there for you again, without showing your gratitude for it.

We both do more of the little stuff now to stay connected--love notes in the microwave, email messages just to say I'm thinking of you, naughty little texts to each other, flowers for no reason but that it's Tuesday.

We also instituted "date night". Granted, this is pretty easy for us, because we have no kids. We don't always go out--sometimes it's watching TV together, sometimes it's a night at the casino, sometimes it's a walk through the park over to get ice cream at the shop a few blocks away. Sometimes it's the two of us reading different books, but curled up on opposite ends of the couch so that we're touching. Date night isn't about romance, necessarily--it's about staying connected. We have some of the "hard talks" on date night--hopes not being met, disappointments we had with each other, that sort of thing. But it's always about "us"

The biggest, HUGEST thing though is this: You can NOT be afraid to talk to your wife about your lives together. Even if the talk hurts her feelings, better to have hurt feelings for a short time, than broken hearts for a lifetime. Same goes for her. And you have to remember when the other is saying something to LISTEN. It's not about making excuses, or having an answer, or YOUR hurt feelings--it's about the other person making a statement that's hard to make, because they love you and don't want to hurt you. You have to be able to talk about anythign with each other, and that means you have to be able to say the bad stuff too.

Everyone,
Thanks for listening and being there. This support forum is very good and very helpful.
Today is the day my wife will be back with our two children. They'll probably show up around 3:00 today. I'm nerveous as heck, pacing the floor and making sure there is nothing in the house that reminds me of those events that took place. Call me crazy or what, but I threw out clothes that I knew she wore on those days that things took place. I don't want to ever be reminded of those events, sorry it just hurts too bad. I also threw away things that I always felt were not appropriate to wear when she was not around me. I know I can't take everything out of her life, but I am willing to start over and buy her things. She was going behind my back for many months, getting things to wear on trips or to go out with other friends. Maybe she can say she bought them to look pretty for me, but I would never buy it cause she always wanted to go dancing and hang out with her boss at work and in my mind was a heavy influence on her lifestyle change for the worse.
So as I attempt to take this next venture in my life and we begin marriage counseling tomorrow---I hope to God we can come together and be a great family because the next few days, weeks, months are going to be the most trying times in my life. I hope you will continue to support and throw out suggestions.
Thanks