My wife and I seem to get into some sort of arguement/ fight on average of at lease once every 10 - 14 days and they ususally last between 2 - 4 days in length and involve a lot of silence, then shouting, some swearing and button pushing. We got into another arguement where I had a day off at my job and decided to work my second part-time job that day for some extra money (which ithe week before she yelled at me about not having enough money, my life goals, my career, how much I make etc). She works shift work so she was getitng off night shift, then going to bed for the day to ge tup and work night shift again, so I would have only seen her for two hours and had to travel for 2.5 hours just to see her. She told me I don't care about her because I dodn't come see her etc. but yet has taken off camping for two days and nights with her friend on nights we would have together.
Well that escalated into her telling me she wants a divorce (which I told her to not talk about just to hurt me before) her crying, ripping up pictures of us and mean things were said on both sides. Only difference is I told her things like I think we fight too much over stupid things, that sometimes I don't feel comfortable calling her (like walking on egg shells), that we need to do soemthing (more time apart, more time together , what ever) and I was honest with her about having a child. We have been married a year, and her friends are having babies and now she wants one. I said we should stick to the plan of buying a house this year first and that at this very second I am not ready to be a father. She took everything I said to her personally and has spent two days crying. All I wanted to do was to talk to her about ways to cut down our fighting so we had more quality time together and I didn't feel like I was walking on egg shells. My first thought was to limit the conversation after her night shifts as I know she is very tired and the conversations usually go down hill fast. Instead she is making me feel like a bad person and that I have "broken her heart" and make her sad.
Anyway, she went on her camping trip and last night called me at 1am drunk and her and her friend were hanging out with two young guys (strangers) they met camping. She told me they went skinny dipping, and when I asked to her to confirm who all went skinny dipping she said "not until you start treating me better" and still hasn't confirmed. Its obvious all 4 went as her and her friend would not go alone or she is making it up to get what she wants and to hurt me. I don't know how to react to this other then with anger. I feel she has no respect what so ever for me and now, even if she is making it up, I cannot trust her or believe she tells me. I know skinny dipping is not cheating, but I don't feel its something a married person should do unless with their spouse. It feels liek a High School relationship of "who can top who" which I didn't want. From here I don't know where to go. She gets home tomorrow night and already coming off a tough weekend/ arguments this does nothing but make things worse in a whole other level.
Am I overreacting, or what is the best way to handle this?
Marriage Counseling is highly suggested, some of the things you described does seem rather childish.
I don't really know what you are fighting over as you really don't go into enough detail, and I don't want to make assumptions about your marriage.
But I can tell that there is something bothering her deep down. You need to find out what it is, and I think because you and her can't communicate effectively you need a mediator, so that the both of you can get out those feelings that is causing the two of you to fight.
Aj, get out of your relationship. You either agree to seek counseling or get out of it. It takes 2 to make a relationship work. There is no shame in getting out of a marriage that is useless and gone wrong. If you don't do anything about it, you will just be prolonging both your agony. So, what's holding you up?
Neither of you are happy, she finds fault in you, you can't seem to please her, etc..
Ask yourself honestly if you really love her, and did you get married for the right reason - meaning it was not for physical reasons, loneliness, etc..
What did you like about her when you guys got married. Maybe you need to start from the basics. Point out the good things about her, focus on what you like about her.. maybe that will change things around. The Law of Attraction states that what you focus or give attention to, the universe will give you more of it. Think about that.
The best gift you can give to anyone is to be a whole person first. Otherwise, if you are miserable, nothing good can come out of the relationship. If I were you, I would have a heart-to-heart talk and let her know that you want to be happy. And if she is not happy with you, then close the case. What else are you waiting for ?
Also wanted to add
Honestly, reading your post you make it seems that she is at fault for the disruption of this marriage, and you have not admitted to anything you have done to contribute to the arguing, so for me to say leave her, without knowing the true relationship is absurd, as we all know there is two sides to a story.
As I said, I think both of you have differences that needs to be sorted out with a mediator, Your marriage can be saved but it will take work just as anything we want to hold on to. You have to be willing to work hard at it together. It's not going to be easy all the time, but atleast try at it, before you just give up.
I just started reading your posting and within the first few sentences it sounds to me like she is making up things to fight about or she is being a spoiled brat. With all the fighting that is present in your relationship i think it is reasonable to hold off on having a child. It's important to remember that children don't make things better, they have a tendency to put more stress on relationships. If it's not okay prior to the children chances are it will not get any better.
Secondly, the skinning dipping with strange men and the game playing is really just uncalled for in "the real world" she has a lot of growing up to do.
Also wanted to add
Honestly, reading your post you make it seems that she is at fault for the disruption of this marriage, and you have not admitted to anything you have done to contribute to the arguing, so for me to say leave her, without knowing the true relationship is absurd, as we all know there is two sides to a story.
As I said, I think both of you have differences that needs to be sorted out with a mediator, Your marriage can be saved but it will take work just as anything we want to hold on to. You have to be willing to work hard at it together. It's not going to be easy all the time, but atleast try at it, before you just give up.
[font="Fixedsys"]I know it sounds like that, and believe me I have my faults (lack attention to detail = not noticing a new hair cut or shirt), can get defensive, not a big fan of controversy/drama/ conflict which then leads me to sometimes bottle things up are just a few that are on top of mind.
I can honestly say that despite being told that I don't make her happy, or do anything for her or take care of her I try very hard (I go shopping with her twice amonth, rub her feet on a nightly basis, make dinner 80% of the time even when I worked that day and she has been home all day, watch what ever she wants to watch on TV everynight (despite having two TV's she has such a fear of being alone that she gets upset if I go to the other room to watch a ball game and she considers watching her shows "quality time".
Anyway, I know I get upset at her when she says mean things to me in an argument and then I find myself doing it now. I feel I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling and what could be done as a couple to improve on it and ended up somehow making her miserable, my problem un-touched and now her skinny dipping with strangers.[/FONT]
her skinny dipping with strangers.[/font][/[/color]FONT]
You have every right to feel betrayed if this infact is true, there is still a possiblity that she could be purposely trying to get you upset to get a reaction out of you, to see how much you care. It is the wrong way to communicate in a marriage, and like I said earlier it does seem rather childish.
From what you are telling me it seems she is unhappy with something perhaps it is her ownself, and also it depends on whom she surrounds herself around, and what they are telling her.
I don't really know what is bothering her, but I had a phase like that in my life at one point, where I would just be unhappy with everything despite nothing really being wrong. I use to create problems when there weren't any, and always felt my behavior was justifiable. I have grown out of that stage. However, I realized that I had a problem with wanting everything to be perfect in yet an unperfect world.
I would anger easily and become frustrated at the drop of a dime taking my frustrations out on my partner. In order for me to realize that I had to do some extensive self-repair, and major communication with my partner.
Is she happy with herself? Is she constantly looking for attention? If so she could be suffering from self-esteem issues. Or so afraid of having a failed marriage she could be creating the problems.
A year is still early to be facing this perhaps, anxiety is kicking in and she feels the pressure, marriage is not for everyone, and once the honey moon phase dies down people start to panic, and begin fighting, just as the two of you are doing with no valid reasons, or real issues. I mean there could be many other reasons but you guys need to get to the bottom of this so you can start anew.
I mean this is why I stress counseling is very vital if you want to stay in this marriage.
I don't really know what is bothering her, but I had a phase like that in my life at one point, where I would just be unhappy with everything despite nothing really being wrong. I use to create problems when there weren't any, and always felt my behavior was justifiable. I have grown out of that stage. However, I realized that I had a problem with wanting everything to be perfect in yet an unperfect world.
I would anger easily and become frustrated at the drop of a dime taking my frustrations out on my partner. In order for me to realize that I had to do some extensive self-repair, and major communication with my partner.
That is a good description actually. She is a very pestemistic person, only see's the bad side of everything, nothing is good enough, always needs attention, has a very short fuse and is often angry, and if not angry then sad. She gets furious if she doesn't get what she wants and pulls temper tantrums in places like the gym and in other public places. I have seen her take her ring off and tell me its over because I was meeting her at the mall and told her to leave early in case there was traffic. She ended up being early, and though I was on-time she freaked out and said she is sick of me leing to her and she can't trust what I tell her and took her ring off and stormed out of the mall. It may be beyond that though, I ahve seen her scream for help when I was walking after her trying to settle her down in an arguement, been stabbed with a dull butter knife cause I wouldn't let her leave in an argurment, been back handed in the stomach during an arguement, seen her stair into a mirror while I am standing behind her while she says "I'm all alone. Your not really here" during an arguement(that one was on our honeymoon, which I was accused of looking at aniother girl in the pool) and most recently she got mad because I fell asleep before her because she said if I was sleeping "what if I saw a ghost and I was the only one awake?". I know everyone has their quirks, but these things kind of freak me out. Are these at all normal? Could they be linked to depression or anger problems? Monophobia maybe?
Your feeling guilty right now. you need to understand that there are always going to be things that we do that do not make the other people happy. That doesn't make it okay to lash out and hurt each other. You do deserve better treatment. There are several women that would be over the moon with a man like you~ from the sounds of it.
I know everyone has their quirks, but these things kind of freak me out. Are these at all normal? Could they be linked to depression or anger problems? Monophobia maybe?
Normal, Absolutely not!!!!
wives don't normally try to stab their husbands with butterknives, or go skinny dipping with strangers, or throw temper tantrums. What she could have could be signs of monophobia, but she claims to be alone when you are there with her, I mean does she want you to be in her skin would that be enough for her?
I mean she feels alone because she want to be. She definetly seems as though she has some major issues, and I don't know if this could be something that happened in her past that causes her to act this way but I definetly sense major issues.
It can be many things, depression could be on of them, or just maybe she needs to be alone, again you need to get to the bottom of this. Especially for your own sanity.
If you have to seperate yourself from this situation than do so.
also to add if she isn't willing to go the mile to correct this, then unfortanately this marriage may be doomed.
What do you want to happen with this marriage? How far are you willing to go? and how much more you can take?
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