My wife and I seem to get into some sort of arguement/ fight on average of at lease once every 10 - 14 days and they ususally last between 2 - 4 days in length and involve a lot of silence, then shouting, some swearing and button pushing. We got into another arguement where I had a day off at my job and decided to work my second part-time job that day for some extra money (which ithe week before she yelled at me about not having enough money, my life goals, my career, how much I make etc). She works shift work so she was getitng off night shift, then going to bed for the day to ge tup and work night shift again, so I would have only seen her for two hours and had to travel for 2.5 hours just to see her. She told me I don't care about her because I dodn't come see her etc. but yet has taken off camping for two days and nights with her friend on nights we would have together.

Well that escalated into her telling me she wants a divorce (which I told her to not talk about just to hurt me before) her crying, ripping up pictures of us and mean things were said on both sides. Only difference is I told her things like I think we fight too much over stupid things, that sometimes I don't feel comfortable calling her (like walking on egg shells), that we need to do soemthing (more time apart, more time together , what ever) and I was honest with her about having a child. We have been married a year, and her friends are having babies and now she wants one. I said we should stick to the plan of buying a house this year first and that at this very second I am not ready to be a father. She took everything I said to her personally and has spent two days crying. All I wanted to do was to talk to her about ways to cut down our fighting so we had more quality time together and I didn't feel like I was walking on egg shells. My first thought was to limit the conversation after her night shifts as I know she is very tired and the conversations usually go down hill fast. Instead she is making me feel like a bad person and that I have "broken her heart" and make her sad.

Anyway, she went on her camping trip and last night called me at 1am drunk and her and her friend were hanging out with two young guys (strangers) they met camping. She told me they went skinny dipping, and when I asked to her to confirm who all went skinny dipping she said "not until you start treating me better" and still hasn't confirmed. Its obvious all 4 went as her and her friend would not go alone or she is making it up to get what she wants and to hurt me. I don't know how to react to this other then with anger. I feel she has no respect what so ever for me and now, even if she is making it up, I cannot trust her or believe she tells me. I know skinny dipping is not cheating, but I don't feel its something a married person should do unless with their spouse. It feels liek a High School relationship of "who can top who" which I didn't want. From here I don't know where to go. She gets home tomorrow night and already coming off a tough weekend/ arguments this does nothing but make things worse in a whole other level.

Am I overreacting, or what is the best way to handle this?

Gemini54

Adjan, this isn't your first post on this site about your relationship.

See: http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriag...re-349678.html

I think that there are serious issues in your marriage, that won't be resolved by just writing to this site. Have you done anything that was suggested to you in your previous post?

The first thing I would suggest is to stop feeding into her drama. It continues to be 'circular' with her, because you allow your buttons to be pushed. Retreat from arguments with her, don't engage when she pushes your buttons - the skinny dipping call is a classic example.

I'd like you to go to a website called "Shrink4Men". Have a read, and see if there are any similarities with your wife. I have a strong feeling there will be.

Essentially you're the one that must decide what to do. You don't need to do this immediately, but ask yourself if you want your relationship to continue in this way. I think that you have 3 alternatives:

• Stay and cater to her moods, needs and demands. The life will soon be sucked out of you and you'll feel like an empty shell.
• Stay and assert yourself, don't cater to her moods, needs and demands. Your life will be full of drama and conflict and it will only be a matter of time before you will want to leave.
• Let her know that unless she's prepared to make some changes to her moods, needs and demands you cannot stay in the relationship. Give it a period of time. Keep your word about leaving if nothing happens or if it recurs.

Ask yourself - do you REALLY want a child with a woman that behaves like this? You have some serious thinking to do.

AJDAN

Yes I know writing in to this website can help me with advice, but isn't really going to fix anything.

I think being un-confrontational has really not helped me. I know its not good to compare relationships in the past, but I try to think back to one I had for 4 years and I don't understand how it went 4 years with maybe two or three fights, and they were for good reasons. In many ways I feel that I have almost lost touch with reality, and what has become the "norm" for me really isn't normal at all and that has left me kind of confused and not feeling like myself, or really knowing who I am at times. I know I told her this and she cried and focused on it being such a horrible thing and didn't stop to actually talk about why I fell this way and what WE can do to alleviate the problem. Her answer to issues that I have brought up usually is "you just need to be nicer to me and things will get better" or "just take care of me".

I do love her, but do fear that she may have more things going on inside her head then I can deal with or help her with and it is really stressing me and affecting my personal well being at times. There are times I feel I have become a more angry and less optimistic person then I once was and it has affected my life at work, with friends and with my family. Again, I can't blame her as I should not have let it get this way.

I know things have to change before moving forward. Its just never easy to talk to someone about how you feel when I know she is going to cry for days and tell me how sad I make her and horrible our marriage is and then will be left feeling bad, comforting her and then my issues will get shoved aside instead of worked on as a couple. I know this has to stop becasue your right, I am feeling dead inside at times.

I will check out the website you recommended. Thanks again for your time and hopefully I won't have to post anymore issues.

jolienoire

I feel you are okay to post your marital issues, as someone may be going through the same thing and may stumble upon the information some of us took time to respond to. You are not the first person going through this and I guarantee you won't be the last.
But I asked you prior did you try to seek some sort of counseling?? My next question is although you are writing on this website to get feedback the next question is do you want to remain in this marriage?


Yes you say you love her, but you need to love yourself more and to know when enough is enough. If she doesn't want to seek marriage counseling and try working at this marriage then my friend it will not work with just one person willing to try. It's a marriage a partnership there has to be balance and this marriage clearly lacks discipline, standards, and tolerance. So start making decisions this is your life too you can either be happy in it or miserable its your chose, choose wisely.

Your doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Jake2008

Both of you fight an average of once every two weeks. The fight goes on, unresolved, for sometimes 2 days.

Why is that.

When things are not resolved when they happen, resentment, retaliation, loss of respect, and distance replaces resolving conflicts. These conflicts just fester, and by the time the next one comes around, it's a bigger, more aggressive, and hurtful. Keep adding to the pile of unresolved conflict and bad feelings, each argument is worse than the last, until you are left wondering why you stay at all.

Picking fights is also an excuse to cover up bad behaviour (ie skinny dipping with strange men). Deflect the cause of the behaviour back to the one not doing anything wrong; make them think they have caused this.

Often times this is getting to the stage where you might be considering marriage counselling, and it is a shame that it has taken so long. There is much more to fix in a marriage which has not confict resolution skills in place, and often it is just too late.

Whether she is 'off' because of shift work (having done that for years that can make a person crazy), or she has unresolved 'issues', or you have poor communication skills, or whatever the excuses are, both of you are adults, and you are both behaving badly. No excuses.

Before these fights get any worse, get out the phone book, and get yourself into counselling. If she won't go, you go. There are many things that you can learn to deal effectively with your anger toward her, and her anger toward you. Once learning that, if she is unwilling to change or get help for herself to repair her marriage, then you have some serious thinking to do.

Until you decide to do something, things are only going to keep getting worse.

AJDAN

To answer your questions. I have suggested marriage counselling before but her answer to that was again to "be nicer to her" and to "make her happy" and that it would be a waste of money.

As for if I want to stay in the marriage, I truly don't know the answer to that. Somedays yes, and others days I admit I think about where I would likely be if I wasn't married, and if I would be happier there. People say the first year or two of marriage is tough, so sometimes I just tell myself that everyone goes through this and that its normal. Problem is again, I'm not sure what normal is anymore and if those people are having issues about normal things, not petty things like not estimating how long it will take them to get to the mall correctly or when you get home from work everday at 6:45pm because you have to commute they get angry at you because of how late you get home and because they are bored and hungry. Anyway, I could likely go on all day with a list that would blow some peoples minds.

jolienoire

Marriage to me really depends on two things that are crucial and important, one consist of finding the right person and one being the right person.

If there are any doubts in the two then the marriage becomes stricten with bitterness.

In the end you can seek counseling yourself, and let her see that you are trying if she gets mad then that is no longer your problem. There shouldn't be anything wrong with someone whom is trying to improve themselves.

Like I said the communication is not there her just saying, "oh well be nicer to me" is not enough.

Tell her you want details, give examples she is really not giving you a fair chance to be "nicer" to her, when you feel as though you aren't doing anything wrong.
It just doesn't make any sense. How can you try to fix something when you can't diagnose the cause.

In the end if the two of you can't come to common grounds and act like a married loving couple, instead of enemies to one another then there really is no hope for this marriage.

jmjoseph

The first year or so of marriage is tough, but it should never involve swimming naked with strangers, while you're drunk, after midnight, away from your spouse. Sounds like this relationship needs some major counseling. I'm sure it's a good thing that there hasn't been any children born into this environment. After everything has been tried to salvage a marriage, sometimes you have to say" this was a mistake". Good luck to all.

AJDAN

After further researhing I really think she has Borderline Personality Disorder and also shows some signs of Narcassistic Personality Disorder. Everything I have read about them sounds so much ike what I go through thats its scary.

If this is the case (as I am not psychiatrist by any means) can anything be done? Or is Counselling the best bet?

jolienoire

First of all if she doesn't think she has a problem, she may just get more annoyed and more upset. In order to be diagnosed with anything she needs to admit to something being wrong and have to be willing to get help.

and maybe you just bring out that side in her the only way to know is to get help.
How can you convince someone who think you are the problem that they may possibly be suffering from some psychological problems?

vivia12

Please get yourself out of this situation,abuse is abuse,you have to,gather the strength,best of Luck