My wife loves her daughter more than she loves me!

Why does the step daughter dislike you?

It seems to me that your wife has made her position VERY clear - on all three points.

You can always try a therapist alone if she won't go.

It is not as much what you think about who should come first as who your WIFE thinks should come first - and I think she's made herself clear.

I have difficulty believing that the marriage is sound except for this one issue on which she will not compromise.

The other thought is to let her go and stay quiet - I don't know why you would want to go to a all "girl" event unless it's the principle of the matter.

Since it's only when the mother-in-law or a friend is visiting, I don't see the problem. She should be able to have a life without you.

My advice is to stop complaining about it and simply tell her to have a good time. Take the time she's gone to go do something with a friend or relative.

I can't believe your making an issue of your wife spending time with HER daughter without you. You have issues you should address, and I think your therapist is wrong.

Sorry guy, but that's too selfish, and controlling, needy, and insecure, for me.

I think the crux of the problem is where you say,' I do have a strong believe that one's spouse should come first'. Now there will be people that will agree with you but there will be many parents out there who will say nobody is more important than my children. I personally think it is simply a very bad idea to make a competition out of it. The love for one's children is unique and different to that felt for a spouse or anyone else.

It's a real shame that there are problems between you and your wife's daughter and I do think it is worth you trying to work on that. However, do not make your wife choose between you and her child, that is simply untenable.

My hubby and I were having a bit of a philoshopical discussion about what one would do in a disaster if it weren't possible to save both your spouse and your kids. No question we would both save the kids first, and yes ours are adults now. It doesn't mean we love one another any less it is simply natural behaviour we were aknowledging. Heaven help anyone who has to ever make that choice (we were having the discussion after feeling very sad about an article in the news where someone was basically in that situation) but the fact is anyone who puts their spouse in a position of having to choose between them and the children is asking for trouble in my opinion.

I do think it's a shame that your wife wasn't more upfront with you about this, and this may be part of why you are so angry. Maybe she did not want to hurt your feelings or maybe she knew you would react badly. Do keep talking about this together, but not on the basis that your wife has to choose between you. You need to work together to find out why the daughter feels so hostile towards you and on finding a solution to that, and in the meantime your wife needs to be free to see her daughter without you.

Wow - this paragraph stands out to me. This should probably be moved to a discussion board (which I have suggested) but my husband and I had this discussion (also adult children involved). We were both widowed and maybe that changes things but we would save each other first.

I don't know if we're in the minority but I suspect that we are.

I find a very large leap between the wife going out to lunch with her daughter (who doesn't want to spend time with her stepfather) and who the wife would save if both were drowning.

In certain situations I agree with you. BUT, I would choose my blood, the child I carried for 9 months first. She will be forever in her life, you need to accept that. If you and the step daughter don't get along, your wife is doing the right thing by spending time with you and time with her.

Don't come between your wife and her daughter. If you keep acting this way you're going be the one who loses .

A mothers' love is something you will never comprehend! Don't make your wife choose. Any husband who truly loves his wife would never be petty enough to make her feel bad because she spends time with her child. Mine wouldn't because he isn't insecure and he loves all our kids the same.
Grow up a little.

I was simply pointing out that neither my husband nor myself feel our love is at all diminished by the fact that in the disaster scenario we would both put our kids first. In this drastic case a choice might have to be made. In the OPs case there really is no need to force a choice at all. I'm not suggesting that the 2 things are the same, merely trying to get the OP to consider the nature of feelings a parent can have for their children and that it really isn't fair to make someone choose when it can be avoided.

As for what most people would do in the disaster scenario, maybe that would be an interesting topic for one of the discussion boards as you say, so:
http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/lounge/...ml#post2364006

Apologies to the OP for going off topic a bit there.

This guy needs to get over the fact that he isn't invited along. The stepdaughter doesn't care for him and what guy would want to tag along with a bunch of women?

He doesn't care for the stepdaughter although he knew she was part of his wife's life when they married.

I think he needs to try and mend the rift and make his wife and himself a lot happier. If it's the stepdaughters fault..maybe they need to have a sit down and try to figure out how to keep from upsetting the mom and wife.