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I'm in the military first of all so everything I do is scrutinized and monitered by the military. My wife left me and took my two kids. She wont talk to me about what she thinks or what she feels. Everytime we talk I get anger and frustration. We have had a very hard marriage. We have been married for 4 years and have two very beautiful children. She went back to her family which I think has been the reason for her emotional immaturity. In the 4 years we've been married we have spent about 22months apart (not consecutive) and about 21 months together (not cosecutive). We have had almost no time to be together for a long time. So, she left July 2, 2007. She says she still loves me more than a friend but not as a husband. She tells me that I have no idea what its like to be here to have to go through the pain of living with you (Me). I was in the Navy and been on a deployment and I'm in the army and I've been to Iraq and I'm about to go back. What do I do to cope... will she ever come back or will she rather stay home with her family and let her and her family raise my kids. I dont make much money and cant afford a divorce and cant afford to get out of the military. Anyone have some advice?
The military life is hard on a marriage, and add to that your personnel issues, then she was in hell and going home is her support and comfort. You have a long road ahead, and therapy is a very good start. You may as well settle in for the long haul soldier and find some patients. This will take a while and I hope you at least can be good to your kids. I wish you luck and thank you for your service.
My main concern isnt the money or my job. For one, I hate my job and two, money to me doesnt make me happy. My main concern is trying to get better and save a shattered marriage. What I was trying to say is that I dont want to get divorced but if she decides that she wants to then I will have to pay for a lawyer or I'll be standing alone in the courtroom. I love her and I still trust her to a point. I get mixed emotions from her and I'm trying to give her space right now. My marriage is worth saving. Thanks for all the input people. I'm gonna do my best to save it.
thanks talaniman. I still have hope believe that she does too. I really wanted a good marriage and... I want my family back. I'm just gonna have to dig in and like you said, hang there for the long hual. I wonder if she would be ok with going to marriage counseling...
If your open to marriage counseling, is it possible she is open to it. It is always a possibility. You going to counseling or even suggesting marriage counseling shows that your wanting and willing to work through things. Maybe if you show that with actions and words and actually start working through different issues could be a life saver.
Another thing I would like to add is that you being in the military and hardly spending anytime together is one of the major issues. When your not together and spending quality time with a spouse, honestly the marriage or relationship is eventually going to be broken. More communication, more quality time together I believe is important part of a relationship.
Honestly I have no idea how military families do it. I would die, if I had to spend time away from my family.
I truly do hope everything works out for you and hope you get the individual help you need for your abusive ways.
Anger and frustration always pushes people away, learn how to deal with it in better ways and you could eventually see a better future.
If your open to marriage counseling, is it possible she is open to it. It is always a possibility. You going to counseling or even suggesting marriage counseling shows that your wanting and willing to work through things. Maybe if you show that with actions and words and actually start working through different issues could be a life saver.
Another thing I would like to add is that you being in the military and hardly spending anytime together is one of the major issues. When your not together and spending quality time with a spouse, honestly the marriage or relationship is eventually going to be broken. More communication, more quality time together I believe is important part of a relationship.
Honestly I have no idea how military families do it. I would die, if I had to spend time away from my family.
I truly do hope everything works out for you and hope you get the individual help you need for your abusive ways.
Anger and frustration always pushes people away, learn how to deal with it in better ways and you could eventually see a better future.
Best wishes for you and your family.
Joe
I hope this comes out right. She's not here. She is 3 thousand miles away and wont speak to me. 2 days before she left we were supposed to start marriage counseling. I was under orders to go and honestly I wanted to go... I was actually looking forward to it so that we could be happy parents. I see 3 therapists. I go to meetings, I go to classes. I'm thinking about a parenting class. I want to make changes. I still am. This is my last reply. Thanks everyone. Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways awknowledge him and he shall guide your paths unto righteousness.
Oh how I wish she would be able to get on here. I also wish you were to stick around. It is very obvious you want to do better and be better. Damned if you do and damned if you don't..
I will grant your wish. Heres the latest... the phone rings and I pick and I say hello, its my daughter, and then my son. I talk to them for a bit and they dont really sound too happy. It was more like a ransom call than a call from a loved one. I thought she was gonna get on the phone and make demands or somehing, "If you ever want to see them again you will put $50grand in a black bag..."
It was actually kinda creepy. So, she gets on and with the most smug and callous attitude she says hey, and I ask how she's doing and she says good. Did she ask about me, the person she pretended to love for 4 years? Nope.
So, she tells me she's been thinking. Oh, and to top it off, she's eating and smacking in my ear. So, I'm listening and she tells me she has to go to church in a little while. So, I say ok and she has to go, and get this, after church, she's going to a concert in a bar. Hmmm... very lady like. What a great mother. I'm starting to think, do I want someone like that in my life? Do I want someone to hold this over my head for the rest of my life, do I want my kids to feel like hostages getting no kind of structure, no kind of discipline? I'm have to do something but what?
I typed that fairly fast. I asked her if she saw me trying to get better and if she saw that I was trying hard. She said yes. But does that matter? Probably not. How much can I take? Not much more and after tonight... this is so sad.
Ok Dark, Take a breath. Relax a minute to let your thoughts run clearly, you asked a very important question....."do I want someone like that in my life", well I see that you have no choice to have her in your life. She is the mother of your childre. If you decide to not be her husband anymore, would you still try and get the help you need to be a great father to your kids and a good husband to another woman?
Either way you need to be on your way to a better you before you can make any dicisions so let's start with that and then work on the babies and wife. If she is so far away, send her some money to feed the kids. (this is an honorable thing to do even if it means you get beans and rice instead of that lovely steak)
She is obviously going to test her freedom and you have the EXTRA hard job of being a looker. That is all you get to do is watch her. I know this has to be hard, but that is just a fact. You need to be the bigger person here to make sure everything goes smooth. Sending money, only saying respectable things to her, asking when she wants to come home to work things out? You just need to make sureyou keep up with the therapy, it will help in the long run. Remember though, some people that feel better about themselves tend to sit on a high horse, so watch out, you might come across as someone she can't work with. It is intimidating, if you know what i mean. You are working in the right direction, please don't give up, but don't be a brute. Good luck, and tell us how you are doing....
Ok. I'm doing good. I just went to another group. It was elightening. Turns out that my wife exhibited all the traits of a passive aggressive (PA) type personality. People that are PA will be passive until they have had enough then explode and do very cruel things to the ones they say they love or friends and family. I found out that the most cruel thing you can do to someone is ignore them and that was my wifes main weapon when she was around. Heres something else... my wife tells me she's been talking to her "best friend" who happens to be a guy. Hmmm... and the red flag goes up. She says he just a friend. I've actually had women use that line for me when I was single. So you know. I am being as friendly and understanding with her as possible. I feel my pride being smashed flat. I dont know what to do... is this the kind of woman I want in my life or will she change. She had many many emotion problems before she met me, is that someone that can raise kids well or will she raise them to be as emotion shallow as she is? I hope she gets help soon. Not just for her or our marriage but for our kids. I'm reminded of a bible verse when i talk to her... throw not, pearls before swine. Pearls= love and wisdom. There is some good news. I asked her if she hopes to be back "in love" with me one day and she said that would be nice. I'm reaching the end of my rope with this woman.
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