Well, never thought I'd be here asking this. I've known my wife for 13 years (since I was 18), and been married for 12 with two great kids (8 & 10 plus a 14 yr old stepdaughter I've raised since she was 1); she decided to leave 3 days before Christmas. There was no "event" to leave over (domestic violence, abuse, alcoholism/drug addiction, gambling, infidelity). We both work, and I work 8-5 M-F, while she worked 3pm-12am for a retail store. Once I got off from work I'd go home and take care of the children until they were ready for bed (cook dinner, all that stuff). So, she didn't have many domestic duties (no desperate housewife here) and was by herself most of the time before work at 3pm. According to my wife, she says she left because she "needs her own life" and since she's going to be 37 feels like her life is going nowhere. I don't understand this point. I work for a state university and we planned on working for a few years to pay off my student loan debts and then she could attend college for her subject of choice (practically for free since I'm faculty). She quit her job and moved in with her mother (4 hours away) while taking the three children with her. She has no means of obtaining gainful employment (minimum wage is all she's getting with her education & experience), and is relying completely off her mother and step-father. I don't understand this... why leave a husband who cooks 5 days a week and is willing to help you make it through school? I don't think she's likely to finish college raising three kids by herself, and her mother is unreliable and moves every 3-6 months and has for the past 13 years (no joke, I have often wondered if they are running from the law or creditors). The odds on her staying put for 4 years while she goes to school (she's dropped out several times because she gets burned-out) are really low and approach the astronomically small range...


So, while she was still at home I begged and pleaded for her to stay and try to work this out for us, the children, and for our economic security. Between the two of us we do just fine but her income is more supplemental and mine is the main income (50K between the two of us in a small, rural state which is pretty good for this area). I've been leaving her alone (no text message, email, or phone "terrorism" from me), and every once in a while she calls me... while it's typically business of some sort, I've noticed that she'll stay on the phone for a while and talk about general things; almost like she misses me but not quite sure what to make of it. This makes me wonder if she's serious about divorcing or just having a midlife crisis of some sort... and she says it's officially a separation. I miss my wife so much that I'd do almost anything to have her come back and reunite our family. I'd go to counseling, take a second job so she can stay home (she says she's burned out from working all the time) I thought we were just working a lot and trying to buy our home... ignored some of the signs that she was growing cold towards me... guess I should have seen it coming but since we worked the schedule we did I rarely saw her. She also had many friends at work who where 18-22 and have no children or spouses, and I've wondered if hanging out around these younger people left her feeling old and bored... any suggestions?

I'm guessing that somewhere in her mind, the must be more to this situation... as time goes on, she will most likely do one, of two things... she will decide to come back, or if she decides not to come back, be prepared for "all the things youve done wrong over the years" to come out of the wood work... if she is hanging out with younger single gals, its probably not a good sign... sometimes, listening to the younger girls carry on will remind someone a bit older of how great it was to be young... how great life was at that point... and sometimes, the women wants to feel that feeling again.. get a so to speak "high" in life once again... unfortunately, once you mature and grow older, have children and a family... this feeling never quite comes back the way you remember it to be... but that's something she is going to have to find out on her own... just as they say, the grass is not always greener on the other side...

I meant to add that...

The "all the things youve done wrong over the years" conversation is usually someone's way to justify in their own mind the reasons for leaving you... it kind of gives people anger to fuel their own fire and back themselves up on their reasons for leaving... did that make any sense at all? LOL

She needed a break so she took one, and you'll know later exactly why. That's why it does no good assuming, and presuming, until you have facts, and can make a decision.

The facts you do have are, she is gone, and not happy. Find out what's on her mind and what she wants to do, and what you need to do.

I would give her the space she needs right now though.

Sorry, but this is a slow painful process.

Time and space from her is going to give you guys both great perspective of what the two of you want. As for now, you need think about the children you have together

Read this book, things will make more sense.

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity

Even without the infidelity part, still gives you a darn good idea about what goes through women's heads and why they do what they do.

Thanks to all who responded. I read through what you recommended and I have to say it's almost a mirror image of what's going on with my wife's behavior. Coupled with working around young people who have no kids, spouses, or responsibilities for that matter, I can see how she just couldn't take it. Like the book states, my wife was the one who pushed for a commitment and marriage. I was a ripe 19 year old who was attending college and playing drums in a heavy metal band... not exactly the type who wanted marriage and a stepchild! Eventually I agreed to marry, and we had two children and I thought built a great life (I finished my master's degree two years ago and work ironically as a counselor at the local university). Then, this bomb gets dropped... I don't know if she's having an affair. It's possible, and there have been a few things that made me wonder but strangely enough I have been the one who initiated the disinterest in sex. I think it was primarily medication-induced, but she didn't like it and said it because of that she felt old and unattractive. I certainly didn't want my wife to feel that way, but given how angry she seemed to be at me I just figured I'd leave it well enough alone. I figured we were stable enough to work out our problems if they ever got serious enough to warrant a separation and/or potential divorce... boy was I wrong.

She wants me to visit the children, but I have to tell you I just don't feel up to being the sucker ex-dad. I've just seen it too many times. I love my family, and hope it stays together but it's extremely common for the old dad to get pushed to the curb once a new relationship begins. Not saying I won't ever see them, but I'm planning on enrolling into a Ph.D. program (psychology, of all things... that's what I originally wanted to do but took a job after my master's degree to support my family... now that they're gone I'm focusing on what I want to do) that is over 10 hours away... the reality is I won't get to see them much. I didn't want any of this, but I'm also not going to make it easier for her by catering to whatever she does. She wants to be a single parent, she gets to be single parent. Many might disagree with me, but once your children have essentially been stolen from you (naught but a few days before Christmas, might I add... it was the worst Christmas for everyone... she couldn't wait a few weeks? What gives?), with little justification or remorse... I just have to move on for now and focus on myself. She has little to look forward to really, a minimum-wage retail job and a high school education with three children. That to me is far more miserable and restrictive than having a family and husband who wants you to finish college. Instead of feeling trapped within our marriage, she's going to feel the pressure and stress of poverty with nothing to look forward to with three children who miss their dad. It's just illogical, in my view. Anyway, I'm always open to feedback.

As where the children are concerned, I think the best thing for them is to try and keep our family intact. Short of that, I just don't see how I can do anything to truly try and assuage the damage that divorce inflicts upon children. I hate divorce, and remember the pain as a child of my parents constantly marrying and divorcing both each other and other people. It makes a joke out of marriage. Wish they would take out the "till death do us part" because it's not true anymore, if it ever was.

Yes, it does make sense. She's even told me that nothing is really bad, there's just not enough good to justify staying. I think she's headed for disaster with her fingers in her ears myself, as the poverty rates for single women with children are astronomically high, especially with a high school diploma and little work experience. :confused:

As where the children are concerned, it sucks because where they used to have a dad every day (heck, I cooked dinner five days a week) they now have no one. I'm likely going to move 10 hours away (and probably more after I'm done with my doctorate) and between that and my doctorate it's not likely there will be much of a relationship. Not trying to be difficult or a jerk, but I know how these things usually work out. Once the woman finds someone else, it typically results in the dad being demoted to a distant memory. She wanted me to watch them overnight so she could stay with a "friend" in a nearby town. While I'd love to see my children, I'm not going to be her babysitter for what could be a potential affair. I simply won't do it that way because it's insulting on many different levels.

That is usually only because he chose to be. All too often when there is a separation/divorce the parents resentment or each other hurts the children more than anyone else. If you don't want to become a "distant memory" in your children's lives then you have to take a proactive stand. MAKE time for them. Don't allow it to become a relationship only when it fits your schedule. Children aren't as unobservant as you might think. They will pick up on the fact that Dad won't come visit and that will lead o resentment. I applaud your working on your Phd. But I think the way you are handling the situation with your children is not the best course of action.

Even though you are going through many mixed emotions... please think carefully before distancing yourself from your children. This is difficult for them as well, as you have said you have memories of how terrible it was when you went through this as a child... learn from your parents mistakes when you were a child going through this same situation, and make great efforts to prevent your children from suffering in this situation. Don't act out of anger for your wife... act with love for your children... your still daddy... and nothing will ever change that as long as you handle this situation appropriately. Make wise decisions not ones that are fueled by anger or revenge.
I wish you the best.

I'm guessing she's deep in a midlife crisis.

When I was her age, my kids had just started school all day and I worked part-time. My husband was the primary breadwinner, and my paycheck covered Hallmark cards, eating out at fast-food places on weekends, and our weekly church contribution. I sat there and wondered, is this all there is?

I switched to contact lenses, got a cute haircut, and hung out with other women in the same boat I was in. We joined a bowling league. We had tea parties at each other's homes. When our husbands came home at night, they were tired and just wanted to sit and stare at the TV. Again I wondered, is this all there is?

I changed jobs and started to find myself working at a job I really liked and that brought out the best in me. A few years had gone by. I started grad school. I got a master's in counseling psych. I continued at that great job I had (and still have) and counseled in my spare time (and still do). It finally all came together. I pray it will for your wife too. Going on in school will be the best thing she can do for herself and for her future. Living the way she is now might just cause the facts of that to smack her in the face, and she will return home to you. If she does, sign up for family systems counseling.

I think you really need to sit down and ask yourself how you may have contributed to this. You have mentioned cooking dinner 5 days a week for your children, and have also said that you have initiated the lack of sexual relations with her. As the old saying goes, it doesn't matter how flat you make a pancake, it still has two sides. What was your role in this?

I see from your words that it is a point of contention with you, that she doesn't have the education that you have. You seem to focus a lot on the fact that she doesn't have the skills to get a well paying job. Did you perhaps let her know that you felt less of her because of her lack of formal education? I am getting that sense.

To say that the father is usually pushed to the side because of a new man, is presumptuous and a little pretentious. This is where people often use the children as an excuse to vilify the other parent. This is NO EXCUSE not to be in your children's lives, just as you had been before. Cooking dinner for your kids doesn't make you a Dad. Being there under the worst of circumstances makes you a Dad! Anyone can be a "father," but a "DAD" will put his own feelings aside to "ensure" that his children will know that he will be there for them, no matter what their mother does, or who their mother is with! That is entirely up to you, and it will entirely rest on your shoulders if your children start to call someone else "Daddy!"

I know that you are hurt, but you need to "man up" and do the right thing. You can't change how your wife behaves, but you can certainly change the way you handle this! Show your children that "Daddy" doesn't crumble and run away because Mommy has made a decision that you don't agree with. And for God sakes, please don't treat your step child differently than you do your bio children. Teach them all to hold their heads up high, no matter what circumstances or challenges they have to face in their young lives. That job was assigned to you when you had ALL of these children. This isn't just about you anymore. God blessed you with these kids. Don't disappoint them, because you are hurting because of their mothers decisions. Make your children your biggest success in life, and even though you don't agree with their mothers choices, showing their mother respect through the hurt, will silently speak more than words.

Point taken. However, they also realize that I didn't want any of this and it was a unilateral move. In fact, my son was also begging his mother to stay with me because divorce makes him "feel like barf." At some point I will see them but not right now; I'm going to D.C. for a week to take a group of students to the inauguration, and then I have to move. After that I'm visiting Texas A&M to see about their doctoral program in psych. She took them away and wouldn't let me see them for Christmas or New Year's, which really did hurt like hell. She's letting them stay with me at the end of the month so she can spend the night with her "friends." I'm not going to be her babysitter but I'll see my children once this calms down and I've moved.

Bottom line is that you have a decision to make... are you going to appropriately handle this situation or are you going to let the situation handle you?. don't let your emotions control you... you have to control them. Do what you need to do and what you know you should do... it doesn't matter if she is using you as a babysitter or not, those are your children... enjoy the time you get with them. Don't cut your nose off despite your face.

Thanks for the feedback and experience. I understand feeling like "is that all there is?" but we had a plan... a good and reasonable plan that we both discussed and agreed upon. She is currently residing with her mother and step-father, who are extremely unstable. No exaggeration, these people move every 2-6 months and have consistently done this for the 13 years I've known them. When I asked her how she really expects them to commit for 4 years to supporting her, the children, and her schooling she got really quiet. I've always considered myself a logical person and a realistic person. That is how I managed to finish a master's degree with a family in tow while working. Her plan sounds fantastic and unrealistic (she's dropped out of school before because she was feeling overwhelmed and her mother moved... again, she's going into an unstable situation with little income and a high school education in the 48th poorest state), and I know her mother is not likely to stay in the same home or town for the entire year, let alone 4 years starting in August. I hope reality smacks her in the face because what she's doing reeks of rash foolishness. She's apparently OK with it, but it's only been 3 weeks and she quit her job as well... so, her mother and step-father are having to support her and the children. No doubt about it, they'll quickly tire of a 36 year-old mother of three who isn't working and left her husband for what appears to be trivial reasons. I hope she comes back soon, because if she isn't back by August then I'm moving away, quiting my job and starting a doctoral program. That will also buy some time and if I do become divorced my support will be minimal due to a lack of income. This might sound cold and calculating but if I give her 40% of my take-home pay I'll be living in grinding poverty with no end in sight. If I get my Ph.D. and move back to California (where I'm from), then I can triple my salary and actually make a living while also supporting my children. I just don't see living in a small rural town making the low 10% of my field's average salary, especially by myself. I don't want to date or marry another Arkansan either; I want someone with a similar background, education, and goals. Whenever our families get together for a holiday or children's function, it is soooo obvious we're from two different worlds. My father is a physician, my mother has two bachelor's degrees, my brother is finishing up his Ph.D. in molecular genetics, and my other brother taught music for Aspen High School, while no one in her family has even been to college. In fact, her father was downright angry when I received a full scholarship (a monthly living stipend, full tuition & fees, along with a book allowance... nice scholarship!) to attend graduate school because we moved 1.5 hours away. He would have been far happier had I been a lumberjack or something... we come from two different worlds, and it shows.


As for counseling, I've offered but she is not interested at this time. Maybe eventually she'll come around, but I don't think she's living in the real world right now. All she can see is that I'm the root of her problems and if she only leaves then everything will be better. I've also told her that she might want to consider personal counseling to deal with some of these issues regardless of whether we stay together, because if you don't deal with your issues you simply bring them to the next relationship and start the process all over. She's still saying that I'm the whole problem and she just needed to get away to make it better. I'm damn lonely at night, though. Maybe I need to find someone to hang out with or be "friends" with... she has the children and her mother for support. I'm by myself and have only this helpdesk for support... you guys/gals have been great, but it's just not the same as having a friend or lover to support you.

Appreciate the honest feedback. What has been a point of contention is the fact that she never seems to complete any long-term goals. In some ways she's like her mother and will start things but never finish them. That happened when I first met her (she was living with her mother and attending college but dropped out because her mother moved and wouldn't watch her daughter), then for massage therapy school, and then for beauty school. She simply doesn't have what it takes to complete a program of study, in my opinion. I wanted to help her finish a degree so we could both work and make a decent living, and so nursing was an idea because she liked it before. However, she stated that she no longer wanted to do that, and considered middle-school education because the pay is decent and we'd have the same days off (I was thinking about summers in Europe, Christmas in the Gulf of Mexico, fun stuff). However, she didn't want to do it and said she wanted to stay at JCPenney's making minimum wage with little chance of promotion. It ticks me off because it takes two people to support a family these days and I felt like I was the only one trying both at home and at work. I felt like I was the only one willing to work for a better future for ourselves and our children.

"if you make the wrong things too important in life, then sometimes the important things go wrong"

I don't know anything about you, but it feels like you were already tired of this relationship with her being from a modest family and you pushing for education... maybe she noticed you felt this way, which made her unhappy about the whole thing.

Anyway, you're moving on but I think you're abandoning the children... you don't seem to be particularly worried about she taking them to a unstable household beyond the "it was her choice, now it's her problem" attitude. Again, I don't know about your life, but have you considered fighting for custody? I know it's hard to go through grad school with kids (hell, I am single, no kids and already have a hard time!), but the youngest is already eight and they are probably more able to care of themselves... plus, schools usually offer support for parenting students.

Wish you all the best.

Thanks for the feedback, I do appreciate it. I don't plan on abandoning my children, but I do want her to feel how difficult it is for single parents. Hopefully the reality will wake her up and we can try to keep our family intact. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some resentment in this, because I am hurt and angry beyond belief. When I first met her, she was young, vibrant, beautiful, and seemed to want something out of life. I was attracted to that spirit as well, but apparently she just doesn't have that drive and ambition anymore. I know having kids and a spouse can kill your dreams, but we were making them happen... we actually made a decent income last year for the first time. That's also very frustrating. I feel like I've climbed Mt. Everest (going to undergrad and grad school with a family and working as well the entire time), only to stumble upon a pebble and fall all the way back down.