I will try to summarize the situation and would love input, please!

We have been married 11.5 years, together about 13. We have two kids.

We get along fine. We have our differences, but without bitterness or blow out arguments.

She has a hard time telling me things that are on her mind if she thinks I might disagree because she doesn't like conflict. If there is disagreement or other than near total agreement she perceives conflict.

She says she senses a bad, negative, moody vibe from me about things that she thinks I'll be unhappy about, like say doing something I don't really feel like doing, even when I'm in a totally ok mood. I actually am rarely grumpy except in the morning before I have caffeine, and at that, am not negative and grumpy. I try to just quietly take care of things as I sip on some coffee and then am fine. I am otherwise positive, not negative, and rarely grumpy, and do not get very mad, and when I get mad I don't hold a grudge or stay mad, at all, ever.

She and I get along well. We like spending time together. With kids it's hard to have that time, but, we do make some time a couple of times a month to go out on our own, have the kids stay over at a friend's house, etc. We talk, smile, laugh, joke.

I let her know on a daily basis how beautiful she is, and periodically make sure to tell her I think she is a great mom to our kids, and that she's smart, a nice person, that she's great. I say it so much I do think sometimes I shouldn't so often or it will be worn out! She knows how I feel about her and has told me so.

A few years ago, when her schedule revolved only around the kids when they were much younger, both around 3 and 5 years old, she got into a rut. She was unhappy. She wasn't sure what it was, and I thought the worst. She said it wasn't necessarily even me, and didn't know for sure, but maybe it was, some. She saw a councilor for a while, weekly I think, for a handful of months. She had no activities of her own, not even say reading a book on her own, working out at the gym, going out with a girlfriend on her own without the kids around. She made a positive step or two to change that, and including the counseling she said she felt much better.

We have moved to a very pleasant area of the country, of the world for that matter, to Oregon, from having lived in the DC area in a higher stress environment. She wanted to move here. I liked it here, too, and agreed. We both like it here, have made friends, go out as couples, as families, and go to get togethers sometimes, etc.

My job now is much less stressful than it was. It isn't without concerns, but I am well at ease with myself and we both are living a much healthier and happier lifestyle here. We exercise, don't do drugs, don't abuse booze, make time to go out alone, and so on. We both are involved or attend activities the kids are in, too. She sees friends with me, and girlfriends on her own without the kids. I sometimes will do something with the kids for a few hours, too, so she has some alone time no matter what it is she is doing with it (relaxing, shopping, taking a nap, whatever it is).

Since she talked with me a few years ago about being unhappy and not being sure about what it was, I have been scared that it was in fact about being with me and she just didn't dare say so. She is one of the best people I've ever met in my whole life. I do everything I can to make things good for her and us. She is highly attractive to me. Our sex life isn't exciting now, usually anyway!, but it does exist, a couple of times a week typically. Sometimes it is, especially if it's not at the end of the day and we're tired, or if the kids are away, it is actually pretty good. It's not like being mid 20s and having all day to lounge and pretend you are rabbits, but... I asked her every now and then over the past two years, and more over the past year, whether she was doing ok, whether she's happy, and she said yes. She says she loves me. She is attracted to me. She knows I'm nice to her, not mean to her, she cares for me.

Saturday she said she isn't getting out of our relationship what she thinks she should. She said sometimes it's better, and sometimes worse, but when it's worse she feels empty inside somehow. She said she isn't in love with me anymore, but, that she loves me, and again, sometimes it's better, and sometimes it's worse.

She wants a divorce.

I feel like I just got hit by a tornado.

What would you recommend? I very likely will show her these answers and discuss them, so please be respectful of her and me in your answers. I appreciate your taking the time to give input.

Confused and sleepless just South of Seattle

JudyKayTee

I seldom post on this board (unless the legal board is "slow"). I'm a widow and posts like this - and divorce certainly is a fact of life - are upsetting to me. I was also divorced some years ago.

Very wise minds, people who post here regularly, will come along, I'm sure. As I said - I'm an amateur at this stuff.

Have you tried or are you willing to try couples counselling? I know she has gone to a counsellor but have you? Have you tried it together?

If she is positive that this is what she wants, that the marriage is making her unhappy, well, then I think you have to bite the bullet. I don't know why or how people fall in love or, for that matter, why/how they fall out of love. I just don't know.

I do know I've broken up dating relationships with "it's not you, it's me, I love you but I'm not in love with you" because for whatever reason I thought something, someone, someplace else would make me happier and the relationship was no longer fulfilling to me.

I know you feel she's the best person who has ever come into your life but if she doesn't feel that same way any longer, then it's pretty much a charade.

I wish I had something wise and wonderful to say to both of you - this can be no easier on her than it is on you. It's hard to hurt someone you care about but at leat she's come straight out and told you.

Now I think the two of you have to decide together how to move forward to whatever your future is, together or apart.

simoneaugie

I am probably dead wrong about the two of you. But, if it was me married to a nice guy like you, if it was me, the only thing that could make me want to leave and look elsewhere would be a lack of orgasms.

confusedbyitall

Judy Kay Tee and Simone,

Thanks for your input so far. Judy, I'd say what you've said is true. It can just happen, I guess. Our issue lies in communication and a perception on her part of what my mood or view of things is. It also lies in her difficulty in saying what is on her mind. Those are facts as she and I would both say them if we were with you now. I did just suggest counseling, that we find a retreat location with counseling for a few days and get away, and if it matches with the recommendations for how to proceed, that we implement what we learn. We talked today for a couple of hours. It was painful, but very productive. I made suggestions for her learning about my moods (ways to ask without having to discuss, even non-verbally asking to see whether she's right or wrong and my giving feedback without having to discuss or debate at that time at least, even just as hidden words in discussion that others around us wouldn't pick up on.) I said it seems we should go away to a retreat, then maybe even spend some time apart, a couple of weeks (accommodations aren't a problem), so we can get away from interacting with each other during the noise of the day to day. We should go away every weekend on a mini-vacation, hold hands, talk, go out, do things, out of town, for a month or two. Let's date again. The reasons we were attracted to begin with aren't gone. She doesn't disagree. We'll see, but she might go for trying. But no, counseling wasn't suggested. We didn't even discuss anything. She's painfully introverted and internalizes both things that are there and things she thinks are there, and for that matter things she think would be there if she were to say anything, and that becomes her reality of communication. Her parents agree. They are also shocked by all of this and know that's the root of it and that it can be addressed probably relatively easily if she were to agree to try.

talaniman

What kind of listener are you??

confusedbyitall

That is a great question. I do listen. I hear. We both have gone through intensive communication training both by profession and by way of her dad who is an expert in the area. Their take on things is that they understand what's going on, it drives them crazy, and they can't understand how completely quiet a person can be about certain things until it becomes negative in their minds where negativity doesn't exist.

In short, I do listen. There in large part is nothing to hear because she assumes if she says something I might disagree. Disagreement is to her confrontation. I am like a guy playing charades with 1/4 of the clues who has no one telling him warmer or hotter but just being told now that I lost the game with no idea why.

yazz226

i undrstand how u wud feel...in fact i really wish u two wud get back together..honest!...obviously, she shd to be a nice person too..thts y u dnt intend on leavin her..and as for u..ppl cud make mistakes in life..thats absolutly human...after all this mishap..it would be tough living together...but uv tried ur best...wat else cud u do??...tell her that u r srry for anything that had made her unhappy and tell her that it would b much easier for u if she shared her feelings.ie." what she wants"...u have two adorable kids...for their sake...just for one more chance...she shud b absolutly in a confused state too...help her recover when she gives u another chance...i shall pray to the Almighty that everything wud bcom perfectly alright between u and ur wife... do update me and if ur wife is reading this...."i dont know ur trouble sitting in front of this screen...but i really wish you give him a second chance" nobody is perfect
All the best

JudyKayTee

You beat me to it. I have heard so many friends say, "I tell him but he doesn't hear me."

talaniman

From experience, when there is no input, it leads to assumptions and filling in the blanks, and 11 years of that, geez how did you make it that long?? Often though I find introverted people can communicate in other ways so please indulge my questions.

What is her education background?
Are there siblings
You just moved are there friends?
Does she work?
Does she have hobbies?
What does she do when not being mom?
Why did you move?
Whose idea was it?

Often we forget how isolated we can be, with no social outlets, and thats the direction I'm going in. No matter how much loving, caring time you spend, it may not be enough, for her to be fulfilled as a person. Thats why the questions.

N0help4u

From what I have seen with people and relationships it sounds like she is feeling somewhere between dissatisfied to miserable. When people feel like that they often project THEIR feelings onto assuming it being vibes from the other when actually it is THEIR feelings they are not owning up to.
She feels like she fell out of love because she IS in a rut.
She needs some spark and spice added to her life.
Many couples are content with getting in a rut when they are older but some people hate it. She does need to come to realize that life and love is not a feeling level to be maintained but something you need to work at AND a commitment rather than an emotion. And she should not rely on you for her happiness. She needs a life outside the home
I think
Ask her to give you one more chance and make things different-
either spend money on romancing, dating, etc....
or spend money on a marriage counselor.


The grass isn't any greener
She could meet somebody and have a whirlwind romance only to find when settled he is just as 'boring' to her.