Hello!!!

So after scrolling thru a few threads on this site I decided to join and post my own thread. Hopefully something can give me some advise and help me figure things out!

My wife and I have been together 7 years, married for 4. We have two beautiful children together, ages 3 and 1. Our one year old was born 3 months early and spent 4 months in the hospital, so that was a very stressful and traumatic time in our lives. Over this past year we spent dealing with a hospitilized babe and financial issues. We started off great, but with recent events and worried about all of lives stresses I feel we forgot to take care of ourselves. Two weeks ago on our anniversary day my wife told me that she does not want to be married anymore and wants to file for a divorce. Initially my reaction was shocking, I didn't expect it at all. Granted, we have not had the best relationship in recent months, possibly longer and I should have seen this coming.

She told me she does not love me anymore as a husband, can't see that happenning. She can't stand the thought of me touching her. She has been married before when she was young and mentioned that she can't stand the thought of marriage right now, needs room to breath and wants out of our marriage.

I am still trying for ways to hold on, talking to her, trying to find ways to figure this out and work it out while we are married. However, I noticed that any conversation about this is pushing her further away and just stirring her anger even more. I have learned not to bring this topic up.

She has asked me to stop calling her pet names, trying to hold her hand or doing things for her. This is a bit harder, but I am in the process of stopping all of this as well. It's easier said then done. But I do not want to put more fuel on the fire at this time. I understand she can't recipricate the feeling back.

Additionally, she told me that the only thing that will make her happy and possibly fix "us" is to dissolve our marriage. She feels we are better off as friends then husband and wife. Her idea is that we simply dissovle our marriage but keep everything else the same. Make no difference to our living arrangments, finances, house ownership, etc... (confusing.. eh!). This is what's going to let her heal, make her happier and she'll reopen back up to me. However, the chances of a possible romantic relationship are questionable. She mentioned that we may end up living like this forever and feels we'll be closer then ever before this way. Um...Okay.

Of course I don't want that to happen. I feel we should try and work things out now, understand our differences, understand what we both need to do to change and possibly even give it a timeframe. She is not open to this and feels she has wasted enough time waiting for me to change. (yes... I can take a big brunt of the blame for our differences).

So before anyone replies, here are what I think some possitives:
- We are not seperated. No intention to
- We both still sleep in the same bed... can't touch each other but at least we are there.
- We just went out of state for a day trip together (our son had to come as she didn't want to be alone with me... but at least we did something).
- We are on speaking terms. No heated arguements or anything like that.
- We make small plans to do things together. ie: movie this Sunday at home.
- Still keep our living arrangements together should we split (gotta think of that as a positive)

Negatives:
- Says she does not love me, like me, can't stand me, I make her vomit.
- Does not see a future in our marrital relationship
- Has taken off her wedding rings (although they are loose on her as well)
- Is dead set on doing a divorce without changing our living arrangments.
- Any thought of working things out totally upsets her.


I would love to hear some advice, encouragement, or simply what the heck do I do?

Cat1864

If ever there was a case for marriage counseling this sounds like it's the one. Whether or not you stay together as a couple, it would help minimize the damage that divorce would do to not only you and your wife, but the children. It would, hopefully, help her work through the issues that have obviously built up over time in her mind.

The last thing that I would suggest is continuing your 'current' living arrangements after a divorce. That is unfair of her to even suggest especially if she is unwilling to even try to work on the marriage. It would cause a tension in the home that will affect your children regardless of what you do to keep it away from them.

The only other thought I have right now is wondering if she could be depressed with all the stress and worry that you have had to deal with.

Marioski

In response to Cat1864 - yes I totally agree with counseling. The problem is, she doesn't want to go at all. I suggested that we should go see a marriage therapist or a counselor, at least for a few sessions, and go talk things out. She did not want to. She mentioned she had suggested this before to me (obviously I wasn't listening at the time... ) and has no intention of doing it now. So how would I suggest going to counseling to someone that truelly doesn't want to go? Do I just make the apt and tell her we are going somewhere else?

I have thought about her being depressed. She did kind of mention that she feels the reason our daugther was premature was my fault. That also translates into her hosptial stay where she was in bedrest for a month and everything after wards. So I can't really say anything about that. The doctors said it was nothing she did, just a something that happens. The point is, both mom and daugther are prefectly fine now.

So am I thinking unclearly for even considering the arrangement she suggests? I have thought about letting her go because I do love her with the hopes of getting her back as she states. Common sense tells me that will probably not happen, but at the same time I'll also be able to see my kids. She wants to get the ball rolling on this asap so we can get it done and over with. I have convinced her to at least hold off until January, so I bought myself some time.

I'm tip toeing around the entire situation as best as I can. I have spoken with a few familiar members (my wife stated that we do not tell anyone, including family about whats going on and if we do get divorced it remains a secret) including her mom. Her mom is as confused as I am, doesn't want us to split up and would love for us to work things out.

Wondergirl

Lemme see. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too -- live together without marriage, with your total emotional and financial support for her and the children, and pretend to everyone that the two of you are still married.

She's putting herself in control at every turn -- with the marriage, with the children, with the counseling. Marriage is supposed to be 50-50, and she's making it 100-0.

YOU go to a marriage counselor for a few sessions and get some guidance here. After all, in your vows, you two promised each other "for better or for worse" and you're in one of those two places now. The two of you are responsible for working this out, especially with an unbiased third party doing the refereeing.

P.S. I'm guessing she needs a medical workup -- post-natal depression maybe?

Marioski

Financial involvement yes... Everything is in my name, house, all the cars, everything we own. She is not on any of it. So in her eyes, I am continue on paying on things that I own.

So I go to a marriage counseler. How does that help me if I can't get her to go? I would figure the both of us need to be there? Would anyone know if something like that is typically covered by insurance (I know that's a general question). I would love for her to get a medical workup.... how do I get her to go. She does have a check up with her obgyn on Thursday. Do I call the office behind her back and tell her that I'm the husband and think that possibly she might be suffering for a post-natal depression (although it's been over a year).

My first immediate step was to hit Barnes and Noble and buy a few books. So far I'm doing what all the books suggest. Give her space, do not chase her, do not call 24/7, no gifts, no nothing. Develop goes and go with it. Only problem is, I can not get her to think about it, go to a counselor or even talk to anyone. The only time she seems receptive is when I tell her that I am considering her arrangment. She lightens up. My next step is that I will not even bring it up at all anymore until she does it herself.

Wondergirl

How would her life go as a single mom of two little kids, and no you around to help out?
I did marital counseling for Catholic Charities and later in my own practice. If only one of the couple came to me, I talked with that one for a few sessions and got their truth, and then called in the other person on some pretext. No one ever turned me down. Most counselors have a sliding scale or will take insurance (check with your agent or on their web site to find out if counseling is covered -- it often is).
Post-natal depression can still be a problem, especially since the baby had a rough start. Plus, her dealing with two little kids can be overwhelming at times. Or it could be a chemical imbalance so blood work would be a good thing to do. The doctor doesn't owe you any confidentiality, since he is her doctor, so you'll have to decide if she would freak out if the doctor mentions your call to him. Of course, he doesn't have to tell her either.
Of course that will make her happy. She'll "have it all" then. She's "won."

Jake2008

It may be time to accept that she does not want to be married. It is also time to step up to the plate and not let her walk all over you.

Agree to divorce, but tell her you will file for legal separation, division of assets, custody, etc. Do it right the first time.

As others have said, she can't have it both ways.

I am only going to presume she has already thought this might be a consequence to her demanding a divorce, but somehow she can dictate the terms, and you just wait for her to change her mind, or get back to the way it was.

If you choose to be treated this way, that's your call. But, if you can see that by not protecting yourself and your own future, you are going to remain walking on egg shells, and she is going to keep running you into the ground.

Do you really want to live like that?

stevetcg

My opinion: dont even agree to the divorce to her. Just have her served with divorce papers, granting you full custody, all the assets, child support from her and an order for her to leave the house.

Bet you a beer that her tune changes AWFULLY fast.

s_cianci

This is probably the best way to go. Let me add, hire a lawyer ; one with family law experience. Play hardball ; then, if her tune does change, like this poster suggests, then you can make counseling a condition for you calling off the divorce. If you do get divorced you want your freedom, and at as little expense as possible ; continuing to remain domiciled together and share everything as a couple is just plain crazy.

Cat1864

Go to the doctor's visit with her. Be honest that you have a couple of questions for the doctor that might help you decide to give her the divorce.

I do think consulting a lawyer is a good idea for several reasons. Making sure you have a current will being one of them.

As for counseling, tell her that you won't even consider a divorce until she goes to at least five counseling sessions. That you will ask everyone about how they feel about divorce if she doesn't even consider going.