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I re-married three yrs ago. My husband does not respect me, he is always arguing. He curses at me and insults me all the time, sometimes in front of my 12 yrs old. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. He does not treat my son with respect or love. And my son told me that if he hits him he is going to hit him back like his 18 yrs brother did not long ago. My oldest son had a fit fight with him on Dec. 07, he moved out, I help him to moved out and he is doing great now. When he was living in the house with us he did not want to follow rules, or did not help in the house. It seems like my husband is never happy, he used to drink a lot, he is an alcoholic. He has changed a lot, he is not drinking anymore, but he is always miserable. What should I do?
Your kids should be your first priority. It's not a good environment for them to be in. I would personally leave him because it's better to be single than to be stuck in a bad marriage. You could always try counseling if he was up for it.
J_9 wasn't answering your post, she was infoming you that she moved your question from the Forum Help area. This was done because the Forum Help area is only for questions about how this site works. Something you would have known had you read the bold, red Read Me First link when you elected to post there. Frankly I don't understand why you posted there in the first place. You had to scroll thru several other forums to get there, many of which would have been more appropriate to post in.
As to your question, I think it was Dear Abby (or Ann Landers) who had a famous question to ask yourself. That questions was; "Am I better off with him or without him?" Once you answer that question for yourself you will know what to do. From my perspective, it looks like you are better off without him.
Do you respect yourself? Are you in fear for your safety or that of your child's?
I don't know of any maritial vow or command that says, "Oh wonderful husband, here I stand before you willing to take any abuse you want to heap on me because ..."
The most obvious reason for the constant attacks on you is that he knows he can get away with it. You are his own whipping wife.
Next time he insults you, stop what you are doing and walk away from him. Tell him you will discuss anything he wants when he has calmed down and can talk to you as the person you are, not some person he has to berate.
As to his drinking, my suspicion is that he is back at it again, just better at hiding it from you. Also, please consider that he may have become a dry drunk. He can't hide inside the bottle any more so he makes it your problem. I suggest you contact Al-Anon or your Priest, Pastor, Rabbi and talk this through with them.
If you feel you are in danger, call the police and ask for transportation for you and your son to a safe haven away from the bully.
Your husband's actions are completely inappropriate. Do you think he may be drinking again? Whether he is or not, this has to change because he is totally out of line. Do you think he might be open to the idea of counseling? That could really help the two of you.
If he refuses to attend counseling or even try to work on this, you may have to consider a separation. You have to make sure your son is in a safe and loving environment. If your husband is mean to him, that can hurt him just as much as physical blows could. Just in a different way. Then he might grow up and imitate this man's behavior when he is in a relationship. If you two decide you want to try and work on this, it might help for your son to have a counselor also, because if he saw his older brother in a fight with this man, he probably has a lot of anger, resentment, and fear because of it.
I hope things work out for you. If you ever feel that you or your children are in physical danger, don't hesitate to leave and get help. Don't let this guy treat you this way.
No way should you be putting up with his BS. Do you have a place to go for a while? i think you have a right to expect better treatment, and are justified in taking the neccesary steps, to either compell changes, or someone has to go. Stand up for yourself, and the kids, or put some distance between you, and the abusive partner..
Your husband "could" have a personality disorder that makes him act a certain way at different time periods of his life. In other words, he probably wasn't acting this way when you met him or when you were dating him initially - otherwise you would not have been attracted to him and you wouldn't have married him, right? He was probably charming and endearing during your courtship.
Personality disorders pop up when there's some pressure applied or rather they lie hidden in a person until something triggers an episode. The problem with personality disorders is that the success rate for treatment is not very high - especially in adults that have lived with the problem for years. But of course, if he is open to counseling, then there may be hope. If he recognizes that he actually has a problem that is certainly positive, but unfortunately some people merely deceive themselves and their loved ones/family and so the toll becomes very heavy for the 'normal' spouse. The bad thing is that this relationship has already alienated your older son, and your younger son is now thinking along the same lines...i.e. physical fighting with your husband.
Unfortunately for me, I experienced being married/living with a 'disordered' person. She was very attractive, highly intelligent, charming, etc. etc. during our short courtship; however, a week after being married, I discovered that she was very suspisous (sp), very demanding, little things that at first seemed like normal things that I initially attributed were a result of previous 'bad' relationships...but gradually I came to realize that there was no changing / convincing this woman of anything. If she had a 'thought', no matter how erroneous, she was right and everyone else was wrong...whether it was a spiritual leader she previously respected, a politician she admired, or a counselor (that she selected).
Well we separated for silly (ridiculous) reasons, and although I never wanted a divorce, we eventually did (she filed) divorce, but not until I discovered that in previous relationships/legal battles she had been diagnosed with two personality disorders...which were paranoid personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. So it happens!
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