Me and my wife have been married since 2001 and were monogamously dating since 1998. We had a perfect friendship and marriage. During the summer of 2006, I purchased three tickets for her and out two children to visit family members outside the U.S.. They left in August and returned in November; a total of 3 months. I am not the jealous type and had complete trust in my wife. Therefore, being away from home for 3 months was hardly an issue.

When my wife returned, she was distant. Her habits changed and she started spending a lot of time chatting on the Internet, making international calls via calling cards, cell phone and landline. I was getting the bills which drew attention to her activity, but did not arouse my suspicion in any negative ways. I began feeling emotionally drained and began sleeping downstairs. Finally my wife made her first blunder by mistakenly cc'ing an email solely intended for her lover. It was filled with "I love You" and "I miss you" - even had her picture attached. A picture I took of her which she had me email her. The mistake started pouring in soon after. She became too careless, however, still continued to hide her affair.

After several occasions of serious interrogation, which I'm good at doing, she broke down and admitted to her affair. This was around February of last year (2007). As time has come and gone, I feel in some ways more angrier today. Having a good memory is partly to blame. I cannot forget how I was betrayed by my best friend and wife. And, the fact that she brought her affair home while I financed it through phone bills is not a pleasing thought either.

The only reason I'm with her is because of our two small children. I question whether she's with me because I am the bread winner and she cannot survive on her income alone. I wonder if she's with me because, in her culture, it would be hard for her to find a man lugging around two kids. There's a lot of things I wonder about and cannot form a solid conclusion about. She doesn't talk from her heart about what happened, she just gives me the standard reply - "I'm sorry"

There is much more, but I don't want to make this into a book. Why should I stay? Am I just rushing for the storm to pass without being patient enough for the pain to go away. I have definitely resorted to drinking more alcohol in the wake of these events. I can't talk to my best friend about what happened, because it was my best friend who hurt me the most. I need to hear some feedback from other people.

George_1950

rchaln1 writes: "I began feeling emotionally drained and began sleeping downstairs." And: "I have definitely resorted to drinking more alcohol in the wake of these events."



My concern is that you don't trust your wife in her relationship to you; apparently, she is a good mother. Lack of trust is difficult to overcome; you said you had a perfect friendship and marriage; do you love her? I think you need a competent marriage/relationship counselor to listen to what you have to say about your relationship with your wife, and assist you with handling any residual concerns about your children.

EIFS EXPERT

I say leave her now before you drive yourself crazy in the future. Once she betrayed you you will never, ever in your life trust her 100%.

wonderfurnace

rchaln1,
I know that it is of little comfort, but just remember that you are not alone. It seems that in the world that we live today, having an affair is becoming more and more common. The problem here is that not only you will suffer if you resort to divorce. The kids will suffer to. There is hope. This same thing happened to me many years ago while my children were small. I left the home and filed for divorce. My circumstances were a little different, but the cause was still the same, infidelity. You see, three months had passed by without me living at home when the pain of being without my family was to much to bear. So I came back and intended on working things out. It took a while to get everything worked out, but they did. The trust wasn't instant either, but it comes.

Several months after being back home, I attended a school function of my youngest child. A teacher pulled me over to the side and talked to me and told me that my son, who was a wonderful and polite child, had become cold and bitter and even hard to get along with. He wouldn't even eat at school anymore and his class work had started to slip. Until, one day! She said that after at least two months of this kind of behavior, all of a sudden it was like night and day, he was back. What had happened was that his grieving for his mother and father to be together has changed his life is such a way that he couldn't handle. me coming back home was the only cure for his unhappiness, not to mention the other two children that were slightly older. They had the same type of experiences, but not to the same extreme.

Marriage is not easy, and when we do marry, we take an oath "Till death do we part". Not till "Unhappiness" or "infidelity" do we part. Do you love your wife? Do you love your children? I am sure that you do. Your family is worth experiencing some pain for. I am not saying that what your wife done was rite, but she did make a mistake. You being the man now has the weight on your shoulders to figure out how to deal with it. The love of husband and wife is much more valuable that the price of a mistake.

After my wife and I worked out our problems, our life has never been better. The real issue in our marriage was that I did not show my wife the affection, and love that she needed. What happened in the past, is in the past and never mentioned. There were no casualties. It made us both better people. Our love for each other has grown. Our three children are happy and doing well in college.

You see, what I am trying to say is that although it may seem like the end of the world, it is not. I thank God every day that I came to my senses and met my wife in the middle of our problem, and started talking about them, and working through them. We are not perfect by any means, but we are together, and have been for twenty four years now (except the three months I was out of the house).

We have surrounded ourselves with Christian people from our Church. We stay active in fellowship with other couples our age.

I realized at the end that infidelity was breaking the sanctity of marriage, and the sanctity of God's law that tell us that we are not to commit adultery. However, even God will forgive us of our sins, and we are to also forgive others. My advise, don't let your family and your marriage suffer for a mistake, and don't do anything in haste. By experience, don't ask her about things pertaining to her time with another person. Focus on what is wrong in the marriage from her point of view that caused her to be unfaithful.

In the end, she will admire you that you were strong, and that you value the marriage vows, and love her.

May God Bless you.

rchaln1

Thanks for your true words of wisdom. Your words were mental medicine to me and I really appreciate your taking the time to read my story and show me there's hope through your personal experience. The light of hope was becoming a dim bulb, but now I feel empowered and a bit more in control of how things may turn out. Yes, I love my wife and family. This whole ordeal has traumatized my soul on the scale of coping with my mother's passing. And, in a sense, this experience was like the passing of a life I one knew and enjoyed. Thanks again.

talaniman

Counseling so the two of you can get to the root of this problem and work on it together. This is a long process so be prepared for a lenghty healing process. The booze will make it worse, not better.

Natalia2008

I agree with the statement below!! Try to work it out a marriage is not easy, but if she continues with the mess, forgive her and move on... Not so much fo rthe kids sake but for your mental state of being . YOu can not be a good and productive parent if you are babysitting the other parent. remember that. I learned that the hard way.
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I realized at the end that infidelity was breaking the sanctity of marriage, and the sanctity of God's law that tell us that we are not to commit adultery. However, even God will forgive us of our sins, and we are to also forgive others. My advise, don't let your family and your marriage suffer for a mistake, and don't do anything in haste. By experience, don't ask her about things pertaining to her time with another person. Focus on what is wrong in the marriage from her point of view that caused her to be unfaithful.

In the end, she will admire you that you were strong, and that you value the marriage vows, and love her.

May God Bless you.

wewed100606

In my opinion, the only time you should try and recover from an affair is if there is genuine remorse and the person acknowledges it was a mistake. If she still loved you and was sorry and still wanted to be with you I would say work on it, but it sounds like she is none of that. Try some counseling and if it doesn't work get a good lawyer bud. It will start to effect your kids if it is affecting you this much behavior wise. Good luck!