I posted a couple of weeks ago when I found out my wife was having "inappropriate" emotional conversations with a co-worker and an ex-boyfriend. I found this out by doing things I was ashamed of-reading her email, text messages... I didn't trust her and her actions and I wanted desperately to try and stop it before something physical happened. WELL, Tuesday night after she had a one-on-one with our counselor, we were talking about how it went and she tells me that she DID cheat on me with her co-worker back before Christmas, and the fact that she was talking to her ex was that she was trying to figure out why she cheated (since he cheated on her). To her our sex life was horrible and sometimes painful. She had this chemistry with this person and felt like she had to see if it was her physically that was broken or if it was us. She said that they both knew it was wrong and yaddayadda, but she started having those feelings again once they saw each other again at work and she probably would have cheated again if I had not caught her doing the things she was. She says this was a wake up call and she realizes what was going on was COMPLETELY wrong. I am going through all the hurt, anger and emotional rollercoster one would expect from hearing all this.

We have been going to counseling for a couple of weeks and I thought that things were getting better, and I had been able to be intimate with her again. Now this just sets me back a mile as to where I am in the situation and where she is. She says that she has really seen an improvement with us and she is really working on her issues. If our sex life was so horrible to her that she felt forced to sleep with someone else is there really any hope? I feel like if she had been truly honest about our relationship we could have explored all of our options, but she took the wrong way out. Being the guy, I can say that while our sex life wasn't GREAT, but I had no idea that it was that bad for her. She has said that she just doesn't feel the drive and passion to be intimate with me, or has ever really felt it. I know this is a question she needs to answer, but is there anything to do to work on this??? I know I'm trying to FIX things and that is how I am, but we both feel like everything else in our relationship was good. I'm just not sure if I am ready to call this thing quits. Just wondering if anyone has been through something like this, it's helpful to get this off my chest now, since our next session isn't until Tues. Thanks

kp2171

time to talk it out as best you can.

sex is complicated. then we get in our own way.

time to get into her head before you get into her pants.

what is she missing...

doesnt mean you are doing the wrong things.. but understand that outside of sex... she is missing something.

doesnt mean you are wrong. doesnt mean you arent. means that she is going outside the marriage for some reason. she might not be fulfilled and it might be your "fault". she might not be fulfilled and it might have nothing to do with you, which would mean she wasnt in line with the vows she took.

so... its time for some honest talk. even good marriages, like mine, take hard work. need communication and stepping back when things get hard or ugly.

so all you can do is all you can do... after that... if shes isnt willing to work, then there is nothing else left. a strong marriage takes two people willing to work through the hard times. its easy when its easy... its the rough spots that make you face the truth.

troubled_hubby

Thank You for your posts, this is getting tougher than I had imagined. I feel like she's just here playing a waiting game now. There have been some recent events in her life that kind of put this whole situation on the back burner, so I'm having a hard time judging where she is in this and how she's feeling. For some reason I feel like she's treating me like I did something wrong and she's the victim in this whole ordeal. We had an argument about things this weekend and since then I can't seem to shake this feeling. I want her to put some effort into this and show that she is sorry for things that have occurred, but it seems like I'm the only one who is showing her affection. If she's having a bad day, I come to her and try to be there for her, even if I know she's not happy with something I've done. But if I'm having a bad day for whatever reason, she is immediately asking me "why are you mad at me?" in a defensive tone and pulls herself away from me. It just hurts when she does this, because it's seems to me like she really doesn't care. The only thing that I would like from her in these situations is to be there and show she cares. I've tried discussing this with her yesterday and I got the "why are you mad at me" question again. Should I have to explain in so many words why I might be mad at her (she cheated). I think the real emotions of the situation are finally coming to me and it is just a rollercoaster for me, some days are great some days I'm down. I just wish she would acknowledge her actions and show that she's sorry and wants to be here. I guess I'm questioning her true intentions and emotions, which comes down to the trust issue. The old saying "actions speak louder than words" comes to my mind here, she says she wants to stay and work on this, but when I need her she is distant and plays the victim. How can I stay strong through this and not blow this up before time has had a chance to pass and we can see where we really are and not just running off of false emotions? I don't want to be distant, but I don't want keep putting myself out there and my feelings not be reciprocated

BABY_LUV

wewed100606, do not ever say that u put yourself in your wife's shoes, you have no idea what it's like to be cheated on!! The hurt and betrayal she must feel is overwhelming, you say your sex life was great, then why did u cheat? She won't have sex with you-GOOD!! Sorry if this was blunt but I don't sugar coat and maybe it's time for you to take responsibility for what you did

Feeling_NUMB

Well I never thought I would see the day. But here I am.

it happened yesturday, YES it is still fresh in my mind playing over and over and over.
the only difference from what I read from everyone that went through this is the fact that it was in my own home. I walked in the house early from work to surprise my wife and well... if you lived it you know the feeling if you haven't please don't say you know how it feels. I have told my wife from the beginning that I DON'T TOLEARTE infdility and I wouldn't even think about it twice if i ever was in that situation. But here I am crying my eyes out. I feel with everyone of you and I get encouraged that there could be hope. Although my pain now is probably hiding it. every time I close my eyes I am replaying the scene.. Granted she said she never slept with him and I want to beleive that. But fact of the matter he was in my house almost naked when I walked in. I don't know if I should thank God for walking in at that time to stop it or not because I got a the BIGGEST PUNCH in the gut. I felt the wind sucked out of me. she has been crying her eyes out to telling me how sorry she is and how she dosen't know what was going on in her mind but she wants to be with me and continues to swear that they never had SEX.
thanks for all your blogs, I cried reading some of them but helped me out also. Sorry I didn't answer your question directley but for now we are taking it a day at a time and my wife is seeing a doctor because she has been under stress and depression. Maybe that is what drove her to this.

I hope it ends up with a happy ending.

SVImager

Troubled Husband.... Don't worry about her... you can't fix her. If she is a habitual cheater than her life will be forever cheating and searching for "THE" marriage.

What you can do is fix yourself to regain your marriage and/or make yourself prizable for your next mate.

From reading your Post, you are not a Man. You are a Nice Guy and a Chump. Yes, I am insulting you. I was a Chump and the Nice Guy. My wife cheated on me a few years ago, too.

I pulled my marriage together and still a work in progress.

Read, "The ways of a Superior Man" by David Dieda.
You have to stand up for yourself and VALUE yourself.
How can she Respect you, if you don't VALUE yourself.
I bet she doesn't Respect you.
Be more picky than her. Be more selective than her.
Demonstrate Higher Values than hers.

I am willing to bet the Man she is cheating with, demonstrates Higher Value by having a filter of surreal Excitement of Secrecy.

This is a way of Improving yourself.

SVImager

BTW, Get a Passion in your life.

It can't be her.
It has to be something else.
A Goal you are approaching... will ignite her passion for you.

Read the Book... it explains it in more details.