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My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. We have 2 girls (one from a previous relationship. She is 11 years old and a 3 year old). He is 7 years younger than I. We have been through a lot together. A serious medical illness, financial woes and a pregnancy right after our engagement. I feel as if we rushed very quickly into things and now that the dust has settled we have very little in common and don't seem to get along at all. We argue every day and we often make the mistake of fighting in front of the kids. I don't feel that I am in love with him anymore, but I know he loves me unconditionally and I find myself feeling guilty for wanting to leave. The problem is that aside from us having a HUGE communication problem, there doesn't seem to be any major issues between us. I am just so exhausted from all of the arguing that I am in this constant fight or flight mode. I am so confused. My married friends tell me that this feeling is normal and after 5 years, we will work through all of the kinks and get back to that "newlywed" feeling. I just don't know if I have the energy to hang in there on the blind faith that we will just "work" through things and one day miraculously we are going to learn how to communicate. Or more importantly I will fall in love with him all over again. I knew marriage was going to be hard, but I thought I would have more good days than bad. Any advice? Do I just hang in there and keep trying? He has suggested counseling. Am I being stubborn if I feel like we are just wasting our time at this point. I really don't like to feel this way. I love my life. I just don't like my marriage. He's a really good guy. Standing alone, we are both successful, passionate, fun people. We just don't seem to be good together. How do you know when to just cut your losses or hang in there for the long haul???
If he is suggesting counselling that means that he wants to try to work things out. You being stubborn, or you just to not to try anymore. Marriage takes a lot of work. I think counselling for both of you is the best thing. You need to at least try to make it work. You both made a commitement to one another and now it is time to go to counselling.
If your husband is suggesting counseling, I would say go for it. Some people have not been raised communicating, and without the skills it is difficult. You have a child together, that means you have a commitment to try and make it work. It is not just about you anymore, it is about your children. Divorce truly does damage to children.
Often times when 2 people get into the "arguing mode", it just becomes a broken record and a habit. One of you needs to STOP and get out of the sandbox (not marriage) and it sounds as tho your husband wants to do that with counseling.
You did not say what you argue about, or what you do not have in common or what you thought you had in common when you met. Make a list of the things you do like about him and one of the things you don't. There certainly must have been something between the 2 of you to have had a child together.
Hi, sql,
Thanks for posting another question here.
My first marriage ended in Divorce after 7 yrs, with two small boys. We had tried counseling, but it just didn't work out. Three years later, I remarried now for 29 yrs to a wonderful woman. I am 64.
As another answer has said, both of you need Marriage Counseling, and try to work it out. Three and 1/2 years is not a long time at all!
Communications is important in any marriage. A good relationship requires truthful talking, respect, love, compromise, and wanting the other to be happy. Many times, I have done things I really didn't want to do, but I know it makes my wife happy, so I do them, or go places, etc.
She does the same.
If the counseling doesn't work out, and you are still unhappy, then all I can say is that life is too wonderful to be unhappy all the time. You will need to consider seeing a lawyer, getting a Separation Agreement (if legal in your State), and go from there. Your own happiness, as that of your children, are important. I do wish you the best, and good luck.
Funny, the one option you didn't include is... when do you seek outside help?
You know "to cut your losses" when you have tried all viable options and there isn't any left. So I think that means you give counseling your best shot too. Its okay to tell the therapist why you are reluctant, that you don't believe it will work out - they are used to dealing with that. And if that doesn't work, then its possible to walk away with more of a clear conscience. But there will still be plenty of painful feelings. Loss is loss, with or without a lot of guilt. Divorce is second only to death for the enormous impact it makes so I think it warrants all the consideration you can muster.
Thank you for the good advice. My husband and I have tried counseling before, but it was very early on in our marriage and it worked for awhile. I mentioned that we had been through a major medical illness. Well, we met under the circumstance of me undergoing treatment for Ovarian Cancer. Our courtship consisted mostly of me being very ill and him taking care of me. I know I fell in love with him because I had never experienced that kind of unconditional love. Now, that I am healthy, it seems that we are just now seeing eachother for who we really are and I don't know if we had met under these circumstances that we would have ever gotten married. He is very much into outdoor sports such as rock climbing, skiing, and kayaking where I am more into camping and hiking and I can't stand winter sports. I am very spiritual and meditate every day and he'll fall asleep if he even tries to meditate! I LOVE to read and he HATES to. I am a sociol person who loves to salsa dance and he doesn't like situations where he has to have much contact with other people. My idea of a perfect Sunday afternoon is driving to a quaint small town and going antiquing and his would be mountain biking 20 miles! Those are just some examples. He sounds like a great guy, right? I agree! I also don't think he was expecting that I would be so strong and independant since I was so needy of him in the beginning.
I can't even tell you what we argue over. Anything. Everything. But, you are right, it probably has become more of a habit. I do love him and I think he is an amazing person, especially for all that he has done for me and our family. I am definitely willing to try counseling again. I want to believe that if we could just get the communication thing down then the rest, even our differences would come to be something exciting that we both can bring to the table. I guess I wish I just had that "in love" feeling again. I travel alot for my work and I want to have that feeling of missing him terribly rather than "thank God, I don't have to talk to you for two days". I hope I'm not naive in believing that being in love and being married go hand in hand!
I will definitely heed all of your advice and tell him I will go to counseling. I don't want a divorce. I just want to be happy! Thank you!
Glad to hear you are seeking help. Also counselors come in all shapes, sizes and speeds so if you both aren't feeling some sense of relief or beginning to see the flickerings of progress in three sessions, by all means bring that up too.
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