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-   -   Why would he lie? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=94920)

  • May 22, 2007, 10:18 AM
    klinus1997
    Why would he lie?
    I just caught my husband in a lie. A stupid lie, but I am wondering why on earth he would lie? Does he have something to hide? My husband joined a gym recently referring to it as an All Male PIT gym - which he has been looking to do for a while. We have free membership to my mothers fitness center, but I agreed to eat the cost because it was the PIT gym he has been talking about all year. Yesterday he makes a comment about a female teacher at the gym and I caught him off guard with my response. I said - a female teacher? I thought it was an all male PIT gym. So - his lie went from No women to 1 woman- to 5 woman. I looked online and it is a normal fitness center - one of the biggest in the area where we live. He had never told me the name until I asked today - so I finally checked it out. Classes, sauna, massage, etc etc - oh yeah - even tanning. So I call - 50/50 ratio men vs women. So why did he lie? I have only ever lied to cover something up when I did something wrong. Why would he lie about it? The funny thing is he thinks it is a big joke. Laughing like I have no reason to be mad. He LIED. Whether he thinks so or not - he lied. Another thing is we have a very non jealous relationship.
    :confused:
    Anyone have any ideas as to why he would lie?
  • May 22, 2007, 10:29 AM
    Lowtax4eva
    Well I can think of 2 reasons, one, he just wants to do something on his own or with male friends and didn't want to go through the awkwardness of asking you not to go.

    Or 2 he wants somewhere to look at cute girls while he works out or maybe flirt
  • May 22, 2007, 10:32 AM
    klinus1997
    I couldn't go to the gym if he wanted me to go because of my schedule. (work & FT student)

    If he wanted to flirt with girls though - why would he lie and say it is a PIT gym? So I wouldn't think he is flirting? Makes some sense as to why he is at the gym from 5-730. I always thought that was a lot of time working out...
  • May 22, 2007, 10:40 AM
    kanicky73
    I know how you feel I hate it when people lie for no apparent reason (or not one we can figure out) If it were me, I would sit him down and let him know this is a totally serious conversation and that you feel like he is hiding something. If he's not then he should have a good explanation. I would make sure to not make him feel like you are backing him in a corner because that would result in possibly more lies. Let him know that your not going to be mad you would just like an explanation.
  • May 22, 2007, 10:44 AM
    klinus1997
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by kanicky73
    I know how you feel I hate it when people lie for no apparent reason (or not one we can figure out) If it were me, I would sit him down and let him know this is a totally serious conversation and that you feel like he is hiding something. If he's not then he should have a good explanation. I would make sure to not make him feel like you are backing him in a corner because that would result in possibly more lies. Let him know that your not going to be mad you would just like an explanation.

    Yeah - I got mad right away and now I am even more mad. He is continuing to say there are only 5 girls that are at the gym... I thought maybe someone could tell me the real reason behind the stupid things guys do. I once left a fiancé because he lied about so many little things - I couldn't take it.

    In the beginning of our relationship he lied and lied and lied, but he was seeing other women (b4 we got serious - early stages) and then he continued to talk to them and lied about it until he got caught. So - this just reminds me of when he used to do things he wasn't supposed to do...
  • May 22, 2007, 10:46 AM
    kanicky73
    Tell him that you called there and that you know what he is telling you is in fact not true and he needs to explain himself. It may be something as innocent as that is what he was told this gym was and when he is there, there are not that many women there. But do you think he is that naïve?
  • May 22, 2007, 10:49 AM
    klinus1997
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by kanicky73
    Tell him that you called there and that you know what he is telling you is in fact not true and he needs to explain himself. It may be something as innocent as that is what he was told this gym was and when he is there, there are not that many women there. But do you think he is that naive?

    I wish I would have found this site first. I told him I called there ( I did this morning) - when I saw it online - it is a regular fitness center - So I called and asked the women tomen ratio - they said 50/50. He is insistant on sticking to his 'now' 5 girl story which is making me even more mad. I sent him the link - the class schedule - listen - I know you lied - now stop lying about it, but he won't. Uh... HELLO - you got caught - end your charade.

    The thing is - if he is going to a regular gym - he doesn't have to pay 50.00/ month - when we have a huge gym at my mothers work for FREE.
  • May 22, 2007, 10:51 AM
    kanicky73
    I think you already know how you truly feel about this. The thing that sucks is once we are lied to we don't know when to believe again and end up driving ourselves crazy with accusations of what they may or may not be doing. I would let him do his thing and just keep your eyes open for more bold signs that he is doing something wrong. Otherwise there really isn't anything more you can do. He knows how you feel and that is that.
  • May 22, 2007, 10:59 AM
    klinus1997
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by kanicky73
    I think you already know how you truly feel about this. The thing that sucks is once we are lied to we dont know when to believe again and end up driving ourselves crazy with accusations of what they may or may not be doing. I would let him do his thing and just keep your eyes open for more bold signs that he is doing something wrong. Otherwise there really isnt anything more you can do. He knows how you feel and that is that.

    Thanks a lot for your advice. I appreciate it. Why can't some men see the importance of honesty? I just don't get it.
  • May 22, 2007, 11:03 AM
    kanicky73
    There are some men out there that know how to be honest, LOL! I think men just look at stuff from a completely different angle then we do. To them its not a big deal and to us it is. This feud has been going on for many years, and when someone finds the real answer to it please let me know. LOL. I wish you luck and just keep your eyes open. Woman's intuition is very strong.
  • May 22, 2007, 11:10 AM
    klinus1997
    Every conversation he says ' I can't believe you are getting mad over a gym' uh - yeah - the fact that you LIED is what I can't get over. He just doesn't get it. If I ever find the answer I will pass it on...
  • May 22, 2007, 11:35 AM
    kanicky73
    Please do... we will all be waiting.
  • May 22, 2007, 03:12 PM
    bushg
    Maybe he lied about it being a pit gym.. because he didn't want to go to your mothers free gym. Do they offer as much as this gym he joined? Also sounds like he lied about the girls,because he didn't want you to think he was doing it for the girls.
  • May 22, 2007, 03:33 PM
    klinus1997
    My mothers gym offers more & is larger according to him. We fought about this the entire way home today. He doesn't feel that he has lied about anything which is blowing my mind. My mothers gym has girls and he used to go there and I never gave him a problem about it - that is why I don't get it! Thanks for trying...
  • May 22, 2007, 03:44 PM
    sheppardl7
    I know that most of the time people lie because they have something to hide. I would take a day off and visit this gym. I would surprise him.I would also let him know how lying affects the trust in a relationship. It's not a joke and I don't see how you can find humor in lying to your spouse. It's not insignificant as he may think, especially, with his past history. That is going to bring up old memories. If you are trying to move past that, why would you minimize the fact that you are lying. It's sad because you want to be able to trust.
  • May 22, 2007, 04:08 PM
    talaniman
    Sometime what you call lying, is to us a selective way of giving you information. Maybe he ddn't want to be put on the griddle, by your choice of where he works out, and felt more comfortable with his choice, and didn't want to hear your mouth about it. Sometimes females can get on a males nerves and pick until they get the whole answer, or what they accept as an answer. Okay he lied, maybe just to avoid the fall out of his choice in where he chose to workout. He handled that badly as I would have told you the where and why, and dealt wth the questions to follow with my usual aplomb, and went where the females were the cutest, and get away from the wife for a bit. Okay just speculating, like everyone else. Your husband is the only one to answer this question, but he may lie abut it.
  • May 22, 2007, 04:18 PM
    klinus1997
    Like getting the answer from a male perspective... Thanks!
  • May 22, 2007, 04:58 PM
    bushg
    Lying does not always mean hiding something.. it may mean he just wanted to work out there instead of your mothers gym... and wanted to avoid a argument free versus paying... how ever I would drop it... then in a month or so I would do a little checking as sheppard suggested
  • May 22, 2007, 05:17 PM
    sheppardl7
    We know he is lying because he lied and said it was an all-male gym. From what I get from your last posts, when you confronted him about it, he still denied and laughed it off. I know (and this is from someone that's been lied to plenty) that I would rather be told the truth and be mad than to be lied too. If you lie to your spouse, all you do is build that memory back up whether it was to spare your feelings or not. When people tell you lies, they are not protecting anyone but themselves. Maybe he doesn't want to argue or maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but the fact of the matter is, it's still a lie. When you found out the truth about the women attending the gym, weren't you hurt anyway? So to avoid all of that, just tell the truth. All you are doing is prolonging the inevitable by lying to someone. I hate that. You don't give someone else a choice of feelings when you lie to them. You are making a decision for them, I think. Also, he is showing very little regard for your feelings. He knows that him going to the gym is hurting you. He lied about the women there, so now you have to worry about what else he is lying about. One more thing, if he is going there to avoid an argument with you, doesn't it defeat the purpose by you two arguing about him going anyway?
  • May 22, 2007, 06:08 PM
    klinus1997
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by sheppardl7
    We know he is lying because he lied and said it was an all-male gym. From what I get from your last posts, when you confronted him about it, he still denied and laughed it off. I know (and this is from someone that's been lied to plenty) that I would rather be told the truth and be mad than to be lied too. If you lie to your spouse, all you do is build that memory back up whether it was to spare your feelings or not. When people tell you lies, they are not protecting anyone but themselves. Maybe he doesn't want to argue or maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but the fact of the matter is, it's still a lie. When you found out the truth about the women attending the gym, weren't you hurt anyway? So to avoid all of that, just tell the truth. All you are doing is prolonging the inevitable by lying to someone. I hate that. You don't give someone else a choice of feelings when you lie to them. You are making a decision for them, I think. Also, he is showing very little regard for your feelings. He knows that him going to the gym is hurting you. He lied about the women there, so now you have to worry about what else he is lying about. One more thing, if he is going there to avoid an argument with you, doesn't it defeat the purpose by you two arguing about him going anyway?

    It is weird, but ever since he has started this gym thing he has no regards for me. Currently as odd as this might sound we are living in separate houses (selling one living in the other - he lives at the old house). My husband was unemployed for 10 months and basically did nothing while I did everything (martyr ;p). I recently got him a job at my work and he decides he is going to joing this PIT gym - which I am not keen on spending the 50.00/month because if you read the previous responses - he could go to another fitness center for FREE. When I realized he lied - I wasn't hurt because of the girls (many more hotties at my moms gym) - I was hurt because I am one of the most understanding forgiving woman a guy could ever meet and he has no reason to lie to me -not to mention I have caught him in every lie he ever told. Tonight I asked him to come and take his dogs blanket and take it to get cleaned. He calls me at 845pm and says he is on his way over to take it to the laundromat. I said it closes at 9 - you will never get in... What did you do all this time? Oh I went to GNC & then Walmart to get my protein, creotine, blah blah blah. Basically once again he put the weightlifting crap first. So I think maybe my underlying issue is that I HATE paying for the gym when we could get it for free. One thing I hate is a liar - and - it really gets under my skin. :mad:

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