Why can't my husband compliment me
Upfront, I would like to thank all of you who read this and give impartial feedback.
Why can't my husband compliment me? It is extremely hard for him. It makes me feel old fat and ugly. I know all you guys are going to jump on the fact I said fat and tell me to join a gym. I have already lost 58lbs and kept it off for 3 years. The rest is not that easy. I have tried--and do we really have to be perfect for you guys to make us feel sexy and like a woman? I am 5'2" and 148lbs so I am overweight, but I used to be able to see the beauty in me, but lately it's hard. I definitely get my share of guys following when I cross a room and will catch them looking at me, sometimes staring. I do not dress provocatively in the least, so I know I still have it. I'm a far cry from a supermodel, but I look pretty good for the most part, I got my problem areas.
My problem is my husband who is the one I want to look at me but he hardly ever does and never with the same expression he gets checking out other women. What you men don't understand is, the more you guys make us feel like we are sexy and beautiful to you, the more complete we feel. We have egos too.
Here's my story. I will try to sum it up, but I want to be complete as I can so I can get impartial feedback. I gained 84 lbs and I let myself go. I never wore makeup and dressed casually. I was depressed and didn't give a ****. Anyway, I lost 58lbs 3 years ago. About 2 years ago, I caught him going way out of his way to look at a girls *** so when we got home I confronted him, but he denied it, of course. Finally he admitted it because I caught him and he knew it. He said it was a habit, so I told him all I NEED from him is for him to let me know I am number 1.
Well, obviously this went over his head, so I kept it to myself for a while, then 1 day I flashed him and said do you like that? He said no--they are uneven and they sag now. In his defense he is not the type that will try to insult me. He does everything he can not to hurt. Well, I was taken back by his comment, but I caught him off guard, and he told me the truth that stung pretty bad with me in my naïve thinking. I thought they looked OK, but I guess I don't know what I am looking for in a boob. I know now and hate walking by a mirror naked. I see every flaw I have and kind of hate him for that but know he didn't mean to hurt me.
Several months later I find a paper he was writing on it said:
Jessica Is
The love of my Life
The mother of my children
A animal lover
A good cook
Maybe I am making too much out of this. It is sweet but I confronted him saying that is all he thinks about me and he said he never finished, so I said that is the first things that come to his mind when he thinks about me. He responded with he never finished it, so I asked him to finish it and let it go.
Never finished it, then his friend gave him back some DVDs. I didn't even know he had them. They weren't porn but erotic, so I got mad, probably made too much out of it, but I just want him to want me like that and I guess I wasn't expressing it to him good enough, so I wrote him a letter saying the biggest reason I was mad is because he never compliments me, never said a word when I lost 58lbs. I think it is a big deal that I went from a size 14-16 to 8-10 (that's almost half). He just got mad about the note and we got into a fight, so I let it go again.
This time I despised it a little. Why should I have to bury my feelings? Why can't he try to understand? But I do love him and he is really good to me. I know most would say isn't that enough? I need to know I have some worth to him other then cooking.
I let a lot of time go by before I brought it up again, hoping that if I gave him time, he would have understood the note and he just needed time, but then I wrote him another note and asked that he not get mad, that I did not want to start a fight. I just want him to understand. I got more detailed in the next note, hoping he would get it this time.
Well, it definitely helped. He said he was attracted to me and I made the stupid mistake of asking him what he thought was attractive about me. No hesitation--he said my legs and my nose, and then there was a long silence, so I asked him is that it? He said no, he is attracted to all of me (now there's a line), so I said that's a line. That's when he said my , then hesitated and said my face. . As if I didn't feel bad enough, I assumed (assumed through logical thinking) he was lying about my . When I was skinny, he had made a comment that my was like a conehead because of the dimples.
I let that go as it didn't hurt that much because I got tons of attention from men (it's sad that men paying attention to us, weighs so heavy on most of our self esteem). Thank the media in part for that, since it constantly makes us feel we don't measure up at all. Guys can get off; our self esteem has to suffer. (ok I am getting off point) but needless to say I did not have a self esteem issue back then. I took this hard too because I already felt ugly, and he is the one I want most to say he thinks I am beautiful, but all he comments on is legs and nose. Wow, I would love to see my profile on a dating site if he made my profile--a good cook who loves animals and with a nice nose and legs. Again, I let it go.
Then he made an effort but most of his attempts at giving me an unsolicited compliment just hurt worse. A couple of times he said I like those earrings on you. A few days later I told him that just hurt when the only compliment was on my earrings, which would be fine if he complimented me in other ways.
So he started to put a little more effort and 1 day said I looked nice and said he liked my in a couple pair of different jeans that made me feel good but that's all he ever said. So I let almost a year go by and nothing. So I thought I would be creative and I asked him to list his top 5 turn-ons and I would write mine. As usual, that hurt. I was hoping something about me, what I did, anything would be in there. The only thing that involved me was he put having sex with me, so it just made me think sex is in his top 5 turn-ons, but I am really not.
Of course, I got upset I tried really hard not to. He just twisted my words around and said I told him not to put me in his list which is funny. I never said that and the fact he said having sex with me proves he put me in his list so he did not think that when he was writing it.
We got a kitten and he would ask me ain't she pretty or tell her she is a pretty kitty. Every time he would say that about the kitten would piss me off. Or I am jealous of the kitten--just that he can tell a cat she's pretty but he can't tell his wife, making me of course I must be ugly to him. So 1 night he said she was pretty and I got pissed at him and I know this is childish but this is what I said he was really mean. He said what do you mean. I said you can tell a cat she's pretty but not me, and he said she's a cat and I said exactly! I am your wife. Things got a little more heated. I threw an ashtray somewhere in the midst of it, but then he said I am attracted to you, and we talked for a few min. Can't get him to really stay on the subject and get to the bottom of it.
He tried a couple of times and that's when he said he liked my legs and nose and I guess to him that should be enough to me. It makes me think I am hideous to him, but he has said he is attracted to me lots of times, but every time I want him to elaborate, he hesitates and doesn't give me much, so he is really confusing me. He says he is attracted to me but logical thinking tells me different.
Last letter I wrote to him I actually kept so I will copy it
John
I am not trying to start a fight I hate writing these as much as you hate reading them maybe I am not being fair I expect you to fix a problem and you don't know what the problem is.So I will try to explain what I need.I need you to make me feel special to really notice me and let me know what you are thinking its not all about the way I look but its important I'm almost 35 and its pretty much down hill from there You could point out anything I do that you like I need to know what makes me special to you I know I am but that's not enough I need to know why.I really think you don't know what makes me special to you you're just comfortable with me.I understand your side you don't know what I want you to say and when you say something its still not enough.I can't tell you what to say then it wouldn't mean anything.I need you to make me feel special if you think it say it.I know you try but the only things you have commented on is my in jeans and my earrings and my hair a couple times it makes me think there's nothing that stands out to you the way I look or anything I do.I know you would take those comments about my chest and my if you could and I shouldn't rub them back in your face but those are the most detailed comments you've ever said to me.I never thought I would turn into one of these women but I guess I did I need reassurance I need to see it feel it and hear it.I know if I was Jessica Alba or just hot you wouldn't be able to not look while I was in the tub you just telling me to get over it and stop being modest doesn't help.I love you and really don't want to fight.I just need reassurance and when I dog myself out and you don't say anything it is just like agreeing with me .I need you not to ignore what I am saying in this letter Please don't take this the wrong way.
To elaborate, from our bed you can see the tub and someone taking a shower when I take a shower which is before we have sex, he doesn't look at all, so now I hide because I feel hideous and ashamed. He's already told me what he thinks off my and chest he's never made any attempt to make me feel better about any part of my body outside of my legs so I always cover up and hide when he is around. I always wear at least a shirt when we have sex if not a full robe and doggy style so he can't see my face. That doesn't bother him. He probably appreciates it every once in a while. He will flip me on my back but I usually pick the position.
Then I made the mistake of saying he never looks when I am in the shower and he still doesn't. In fact, a lot of times he will sit up in bed where you can't see which he does do occasionally but a lot when I'm in the shower but as soon as I turn off the shower he is staring more of an I'm looking stare. He claims it's because he wants to look (Now he's just calling me an idiot). If he wanted to look, he would have been part of the time, not just when he knows I will see him looking especially if he is horny which he obviously is if he wants to do something.
It really hurts me that he will go out of his way to look at other women but he has no desire to look at me. He does try hard not to make it look obvious that he is looking but I've seen. He is trying but the damage is kind of done. I refuse to write him another letter.
He did finally say I had a very pretty face but he hesitated when he said it and it was solicited so I asked him why saying that was so hard and he said its not so I asked why did it take him over 13 years.
He did give me a really nice compliment after a Christmas party at my work. He told me he was proud that I was with him. I loved that one but I guess.
He just really makes me think that there is nothing great about me and I don't know if that's what he really thinks. That's what his actions and most of his words tell me. But when pressed he says he is attracted to me so if he really is attracted to me why is it so hard for him to show or say it. I'm just tired of feeling like I don't measure up.
This quote was in Men's Health:
1. Ignoring Her Appearance
“Guys in long-term relationships tend to stop noticing when their partner looks pretty, and so much of female sexual desire is tied to a sense of self-esteem,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D. sex counselor and author of She Comes First. The fix here is simple: Pay her a few simple compliments every day, like letting her know she's sexy, Kerner says.